... Our Newest Humor-For You The Police Things Not To Say When Hanging Christmas Tree Lights Dental Help Ole And Clarence Yooper Guys Without An Email Address Thank You Lord You Might Be An Engineer Out Of The Mouths Of Men Yoopers Declare War On USA The Married Cold Gulf Coast Living Mammogram Appointment Dat Dog Dear Dog And ... Sucessful Class Reunions Novice Skier Church Steeple Not Much Worth Mentioning English Grammer Tips Garden Wars Automotive Christmas Gifts When I'm An Old Lady 12 Reasons To Be Thankful You Burnt The Turkey Dog's Rules For Christmas The Top Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife Surgery Comments Nuns And The Vampire Computer Wife History Overdoing Thanksgiving The Doctor Really Means ... Our Newest Humor-For You The Police Things Not To Say When Hanging Christmas Tree Lights Dental Help Ole And Clarence Yooper Guys Without An Email Address Thank You Lord You Might Be An Engineer Out Of The Mouths Of Men Yoopers Declare War On USA The Married Cold Gulf Coast Living Mammogram Appointment Dat Dog Dear Dog And ...

... The Barber The Balance Of God The Attack Of The Killer Bunny The 23rd Channel Thanks For Forwarding Thanksgiving Leftovers Thanks -Before And After Texas -Night Before Christmas Thank You Lord Test For Dementia Ten Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer Tennis Lessons For My Son Ten Rules Of Housekeeping Temperature Activity Ten Inches Telephonic Conversation Teen Ready House Teenager Owner's ... If You Are A Baptist If Guys Ruled The World Employer's Lingo Interpreted Gift Wrapping Tips For Men British Citizenship Car Accident Computer Gender 12 Reasons To Be Thankful You Burnt The Turkey Attending The Resurrection A Lesson The Wayside Chapel Single Woman's Prayer Gifts For Him Rock And A Hard Place Newspaper Headlines The Scariest Costume A Teenager Is ... The Barber The Balance Of God The Attack Of The Killer Bunny The 23rd Channel Thanks For Forwarding Thanksgiving Leftovers Thanks -Before And After Texas -Night Before Christmas Thank You Lord Test For Dementia Ten Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer Tennis Lessons For My Son Ten Rules Of Housekeeping Temperature Activity Ten Inches Telephonic Conversation Teen Ready House Teenager Owner's ...

... Public Servants Ten Rules Of Housekeeping Ten Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer Tennis Lessons For My Son Test For Dementia Texas -Night Before Christmas Texas Tales Texas Triva Thank You Lord Thanks -Before And After Thanks For Forwarding Thanksgiving Leftovers The 23rd Channel The ABCs Of Aging The BP Oil Spill The B and B The Attack Of The Killer ... CLICK on the SORT options below. Alphabetical Random Most Recent 10 Signs Your Baptism Is In Trouble 10 Signs Your Guy Hates Shopping 12 Reasons To Be Thankful You Burnt The Turkey 12 Reasons To Buy A New Car 12 Ways To Reduce Your Counseling Load 1950's Wives 50 Plus 65-year-old Mother -New Baby 8 Simple Rules For Dating ... Public Servants Ten Rules Of Housekeeping Ten Ways To Terrorize A Telemarketer Tennis Lessons For My Son Test For Dementia Texas -Night Before Christmas Texas Tales Texas Triva Thank You Lord Thanks -Before And After Thanks For Forwarding Thanksgiving Leftovers The 23rd Channel The ABCs Of Aging The BP Oil Spill The B and B The Attack Of The Killer ...

... them all first. Please answer all my questions. I always think of you. Yours truly Susan FERVENT WISHES, SUGGESTIONS AND COMPLAINTS Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God How come you didn't invent any new animals lately? We still have just ... them all first. Please answer all my questions. I always think of you. Yours truly Susan FERVENT WISHES, SUGGESTIONS AND COMPLAINTS Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear God How come you didn't invent any new animals lately? We still have just ... much hair all over. Sam Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never come yet. Don't forget. Mark APPROVALS, CONFIDENCES AND THANKS You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest invention. Ruth M ...

... Thank You, Lord Lord, thank you for this sink of dirty dishes; we have plenty of food to eat. Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry; we have plenty of nice clothes to wear. And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds; they ... Thank You, Lord Lord, thank you for this sink of dirty dishes; we have plenty of food to eat. Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry; we have plenty of nice clothes to wear. And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds; they ... so warm and comfortable last night. I know that many have no bed. My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all the splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty lavatory; they are so convenient. Thank you for this finger-smudged refrigerator that needs cleaning. It has served us ...

... we'd like to have." There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"" Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride" As the plane landed and ... we'd like to have." There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"" Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride" As the plane landed and ... . The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a" Thanks for flying our airline" He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone ...

... isn't what it used to be. When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on" Something I Am Thankful For". Then, I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be, and I'd ... Thanks, Before and After I never intended to tell you anything about this, but since I became an adult I discovered that the meaning of Thanksgiving sure isn't what it used to be. When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on" Something I Am Thankful For ... . Then, I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be, and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed. Before children: I was ...

... button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ... button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ... Flight Safety Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this" paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement) from their Flight Attendants. In his own words." I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the ...

... , or not? Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this. Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, Your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you? Passenger: That would be Swell ... , or not? Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this. Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, Your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you? Passenger: That would be Swell ... Thanks. Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, Please. Passenger: What? Attendant: The Airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee. Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it. Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't ...

... before I wake, that's one less test I have to take" ~~~~~~~ A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night." Dear God, thank you for these pancakes" When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said," ... before I wake, that's one less test I have to take" ~~~~~~~ A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night." Dear God, thank you for these pancakes" When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said," ... thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight" ~~~~~~ A little boy's prayer." Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be ...

... bank in the USA. The bank thought it was amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, ... bank in the USA. The bank thought it was amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, ... brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account for $50 by way of a penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more ...

... just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it" The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:" Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house ... just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it" The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:" Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house ... Thanks anyway"" Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks"" Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends ...

... Useful Work Phrases Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I ... Useful Work Phrases Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I ... insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconcep-tions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, ...

... Forwarding" I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet ... Thanks for" Forwarding" I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because ... Thanks for" Forwarding" I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because ...

... will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks ... will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks ... Learned On the Net I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I ...

... before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite ' 'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines ' 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with ... before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite ' 'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines ' 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with ...

... up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of the letters had been rubbed off! Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack, underneath the cobwebs, where she found them! Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her ... up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of the letters had been rubbed off! Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack, underneath the cobwebs, where she found them! Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her ...

... what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] ... what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] ...

... printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it. Customer: I have problems printing in red. Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah. thank you. Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the ... printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it. Customer: I have problems printing in red. Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah. thank you. Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the ...

... , two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray. HOLD ON. there's more. YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FLORIDA IN JULY WHEN.... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs ... , two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray. HOLD ON. there's more. YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FLORIDA IN JULY WHEN.... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs ...

... driver b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks c: before or after they took my license away? What hand gesture do you use most while driving? a:" go ahead" b:" thank you" c: "@#!*&%^!" When a bicyclist is next to you, you should. a: be aware of them b: speed up and get past them c: open the door Your rear view mirror is for. a: watching for ... driver b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks c: before or after they took my license away? What hand gesture do you use most while driving? a:" go ahead" b:" thank you" c: "@#!*&%^!" When a bicyclist is next to you, you should. a: be aware of them b: speed up and get past them c: open the door Your rear view mirror is for. a: watching for ...

... fell out"" Well, what's the problem, Tiffany ?"" Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay ?"" Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it"" Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you've been missing"" That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did ... fell out"" Well, what's the problem, Tiffany ?"" Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay ?"" Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it"" Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you've been missing"" That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did ...

... can be promoted to our management team. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered ... can be promoted to our management team. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered ...

... Tooth Fairy Form Letter Dear: Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason (s) indicated below: () the tooth could not be found () it was not a human tooth () we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny () ... Tooth Fairy Form Letter Dear: Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason (s) indicated below: () the tooth could not be found () it was not a human tooth () we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny () ...

... get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. IN CONCLUSION: Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should ... get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. IN CONCLUSION: Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should ...

... The History Of Thanksgiving 1492-Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie. 1620-Pilgrim men invent the sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner. 1671-First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas ... The History Of Thanksgiving 1492-Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie. 1620-Pilgrim men invent the sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner. 1671-First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas ...

... a word that might send a reader to the dictionary"-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)" Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words ?"-Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)" Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it"-Moses Hadas" He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know"-Abraham Lincoln" I didn't attend the funeral ... a word that might send a reader to the dictionary"-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)" Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words ?"-Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)" Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it"-Moses Hadas" He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know"-Abraham Lincoln" I didn't attend the funeral ...

... grown beyond capacity of current model.*_ Defect in current model:*_ Dead*_ Senile*_ Indicted*_ Convicted*_ Resigned in disgrace*_ Switched parties / beliefs*_ Outbribed by competing interest Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: when you choose a" Government Official (TM )," you have chosen the best politician money can buy. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net ... grown beyond capacity of current model.*_ Defect in current model:*_ Dead*_ Senile*_ Indicted*_ Convicted*_ Resigned in disgrace*_ Switched parties / beliefs*_ Outbribed by competing interest Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: when you choose a" Government Official (TM )," you have chosen the best politician money can buy. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net ...

... How can I pray for you today? Read a good book or seen a play? What victories can you report? I ’ d love to read it – long or short! I'll be so glad you didn't spam. Thank you, thank you, Sam I Am. [by: Mary Egido, Copyright 2006-from Mike's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... How can I pray for you today? Read a good book or seen a play? What victories can you report? I ’ d love to read it – long or short! I'll be so glad you didn't spam. Thank you, thank you, Sam I Am. [by: Mary Egido, Copyright 2006-from Mike's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years." We trust in time you will learn to fully appreciate and enjoy this product! [Author Unknown-from Randy, ... is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years." We trust in time you will learn to fully appreciate and enjoy this product! [Author Unknown-from Randy, ...

... yelled," Who the hell are you ?" The preacher yelled back," Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that"" My God preacher, that you ?"" Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk"" You OK preacher ?"" Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me"" You better let Him ride with me. Way you drive ... yelled," Who the hell are you ?" The preacher yelled back," Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that"" My God preacher, that you ?"" Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk"" You OK preacher ?"" Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me"" You better let Him ride with me. Way you drive ...

... priest and says" This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true, guarantied" The priest says," Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy !" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They go out the front door, and get into a stretch limo. Then Saint ... priest and says" This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true, guarantied" The priest says," Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy !" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They go out the front door, and get into a stretch limo. Then Saint ...

... Oh, don't start yelling. I know what the true meaning of Thanksgiving is just as well as anybody else. Any fool will tell you it's a day for people to open their hearts and homes, reflect, and give thanks for their good fortune and all that. But let's be fair here. Without Thanksgiving there would be no need for you to spend an entire day in the kitchen wrestling with a temperamental pie crust and an unreliable turkey baster. And I bet ... Thanksgiving Leftovers Let's face it. The most distinguishable trait about Thanksgiving isn't the football game, the parade, or the quality time you get to spend with your relatives. It's the leftovers. Oh, don't start yelling. I know what the true meaning of Thanksgiving is just as well as anybody else. Any fool will tell you it's a day for people to open their hearts and homes, reflect, and give thanks for their good fortune and all that. But ...

... you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened a great singles bar on my block"" ... you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened a great singles bar on my block"" ...

... sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6-You are visitor 3, 456, 789, 012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart-have a nice day! [Author Unknown-from" Jason's EMail" (jubilate @clearsail.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6-You are visitor 3, 456, 789, 012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart-have a nice day! [Author Unknown-from" Jason's EMail" (jubilate @clearsail.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened a great singles bar on my block"" ... you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon ?"" I'm waiting until I get to be your age"" It didn't seem worth a blood test"" I already have enough laundry to do, thank you"" Because it would take all the spontaneity out of dating"" My co-op board doesn't allow spouses"" I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund"" They just opened a great singles bar on my block"" ...

... hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens ** Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh ** Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena ... hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens ** Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh ** Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena ...

... Jerry Springer Show. This is what happened to my family last Thanksgiving. Everything began beautifully. We encamped in the woods, like modern-day Pilgrims, to feast and frolic, to drink in the clear, cold air and give thanks for all our blessings. The women scurried about, preparing succulent fare. The men did what men do on such occasions; they stood around waiting to begin the traditional male holiday jobs of eating and sleeping. The children sprinted around outside, ... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Plunging into Thanksgiving What do you get when you take a dozen family members of varying ages and degrees of regularity, put them in the woods in a cabin with one low-flow toilet and then stuff them to the gills with Thanksgiving bounty? You get, of course, a calamitously clogged commode and enough tension to earn a spot on the Jerry Springer Show. This is what happened to my family last Thanksgiving. Everything ...

... to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. When I got up this morning I ... to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. When I got up this morning I ...

... food !" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, my claws they are prickly For the morning's here and it's time to play I always seem to get my way. Oh thank you Lord for this day. And thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night! [Author Unknown-from 'Funny Bone '-Ed ... food !" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, my claws they are prickly For the morning's here and it's time to play I always seem to get my way. Oh thank you Lord for this day. And thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night! [Author Unknown-from 'Funny Bone '-Ed ...

... individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said," Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant"" And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct ," asked the rejected applicant." We have based our decision not on ... individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said," Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant"" And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct ," asked the rejected applicant." We have based our decision not on ...

... from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home." Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers ," the son said." It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity"" Oi vey ," replied the father," what ... from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home." Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers ," the son said." It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity"" Oi vey ," replied the father," what ...

... you told me a little more 'beat ' to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose that's why you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now we are packed in the balcony"" Thank you, Father ," answered the young priest." I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth"" Well ," said the elderly priest," I'm afraid you've gone to far with the drive-thru confessional"" But ... you told me a little more 'beat ' to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose that's why you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now we are packed in the balcony"" Thank you, Father ," answered the young priest." I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth"" Well ," said the elderly priest," I'm afraid you've gone to far with the drive-thru confessional"" But ...

... speaker said," They fit perfectly" With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him." I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist" The man replied," I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker" [Author Unknown-from 'Bills-Punch-Line '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net ... have one more pair of false teeth. try them" The speaker said," They fit perfectly" With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him." I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist" The man replied," I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker ...

... " Qualifications: No education or experience"" Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets"" Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department"" Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head !" Cover letter:" Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... " Qualifications: No education or experience"" Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets"" Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department"" Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head !" Cover letter:" Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a" That's Okay"." Thanks ": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome." Thanks a lot ": This is much different from" Thanks". A woman will say," Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off ... you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the" Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the" Loud Sigh ", as she will only tell you" Nothing" I hope this information will help you avoid future misunderstandings. [Author Unknown-Christine, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a" That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from" Thanks" A woman will say," Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It ... that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the" Loud Sigh" Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the" Loud Sigh ," as she will only tell you" Nothing" [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor ' (thelly @cox.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... level of St. Mary's Cathedral.*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.*Fifth Sinday is Lent.*Thank you dead friends.*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.*For the ... level of St. Mary's Cathedral.*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.*Fifth Sinday is Lent.*Thank you dead friends.*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.*For the ...

... seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor. Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search. Sincerely, The Pastoral Search Committee. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor. Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search. Sincerely, The Pastoral Search Committee. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people" Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech." I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation ... , indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people" Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech." I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation ...

... , two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In Texas, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for INSECT SPRAY !! [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... , two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In Texas, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for INSECT SPRAY !! [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... My Dirty Laundry! Gravy Train “ I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage ” – Erma Bombeck I am truly grateful for gravy. This is a much more profound statement than you realize. I am certainly thankful for the surface glories of good gravy, that warm, luscious sauce that coats my taste buds and then goes on to coat my hips. But I ’ ve come to realize lately that gravy is much more than that. Not being one ... flaw in my mom ’ s character. When I was less mature than I am now (last year ), I even got so annoyed by my sorry sauce that I flicked some of it at my mother with a spoon on Thanksgiving Day, coating her carefully coiffured hair with my gooey gravy. She was not amused. This year, I ’ ve decided to embrace my gravy deficiency as an opportunity to develop my own character. I am not going to be grumpy about ...

... reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey. Thanks... oh, and Happy Thanksgiving too. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1995-2002-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Turkey Leftovers Like many men, I am different from my wife in ways which are noticeable, and, in my opinion, fortunate. Take the Thanksgiving turkey (and I mean that literally. PLEASE come over to our house, open the refrigerator, shove aside everything growing green fuzz, and take this carcass away before it reincarnates as turkey lasagna or turkey tetracycline or whatever new concoction awaits the family) But take Thanksgiving -my wife prefers small birds that fit nicely into ...

... low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea. Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:" Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically ... low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea. Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:" Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically ...

... love till my body's a ' itchin ' He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen. I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never compare me to my best friend. Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait, For I know you will send him before it's too late. Amen [Author Unknown-from Joy Roman, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ... love till my body's a ' itchin ' He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen. I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never compare me to my best friend. Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait, For I know you will send him before it's too late. Amen [Author Unknown-from Joy Roman, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...

... , and my attorney called to tell me that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough, without being considered a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, 'gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... [Author Unknown-from Hart Dowd (hartdowd @shaw.ca)] Inspirational Humor ... , and my attorney called to tell me that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough, without being considered a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, 'gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... [Author Unknown-from Hart Dowd (hartdowd @shaw.ca)] Inspirational Humor ...

... -if they could find the time-and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who is running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. The New York Post is read by people ... -if they could find the time-and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who is running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. The New York Post is read by people ...

... walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared. The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please ' As I dressed myself, in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt. I said to myself, only as I can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man! So-away with the ... walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared. The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please ' As I dressed myself, in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt. I said to myself, only as I can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man! So-away with the ...

... enough to love the kid who screams," I hate this class-it's boring !" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you. And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell. Hoping not to have lunchroom duty. hoping that ... enough to love the kid who screams," I hate this class-it's boring !" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you. And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell. Hoping not to have lunchroom duty. hoping that ...

... her feet, one of the other ladies said," What a beautiful cake !" Alice could only sit back in her chair and watch, when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say:" Thank you, I baked it myself" [Author Unknown-from 'Mountain Wings ' (wings @mountainwings.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... her feet, one of the other ladies said," What a beautiful cake !" Alice could only sit back in her chair and watch, when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say:" Thank you, I baked it myself" [Author Unknown-from 'Mountain Wings ' (wings @mountainwings.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain -they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight -the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray. to ask God where ... your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off" Bernie just smiled and thanked the Rabbi for his advice. but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the Rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the Rabbi told him to do. On the ...

... the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed ten $100 bills in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly-looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the ... . He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said," I'll take him and him and him" [Author Unknown-Received from Skipp LeMay, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Butterball Turkey Talk-Line Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls-inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. It's hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (" Will it cook faster if I drive faster ?"), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen-these are real incidents, true stories-from the front lines! Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the ...

... horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary," Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town ?" The missionary says," Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God ' to make it go and 'Amen ' to make it stop" Not paying much attention, the man says," Sure, ok" So he gets on the horse and says," Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say," Thank God, thank God ," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says," Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off at a full gallop. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop." Whoa, stop, hold on !!!!" Finally he remembers ...

... A Change In Plans Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, ...

... " Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving" 'Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin ' and gripin. I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest, This place is a disaster, just look at this mess! Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed, They expect all the trimmings, who cares what I need! My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs, The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs, There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing; Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging, Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done; My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor. He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles" The eggnog ...

... 'Twas the Night of Thanksgiving 'Twas the night of Thanksgiving-I couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep The leftovers beckoned-The dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation The thought of a snack became infatuation. So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !! I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky. With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees. HAPPY EATING TO ALL! PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE! [Author Unknown-from 'ColoradoComments ' (www.ColoradoComments.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved ...

... the kitchen counter. And then, like fools, we turned our backs for just a moment. Ebony, an experienced counter surfer, sprang into action, evidently grabbing the salmon and inhaling it without even moving the dish. I returned to the kitchen to find our dinner gone and the furry spawn of Satan licking her chops. She slept well again that night. While coming in like a lion, March is said to go out like a lamb, and thanks to Ebony, that ’ s holding true for us quite literally. The lamb in question, a tasty slice of meat I ’ d been looking forward to eating all week, went out in the trash the other night after an encounter with our mutinous mongrel. As we sat down to eat dinner, we bowed our heads and closed our eyes to say a blessing over the meal. We normally put the dog outside during meals, but this time we forgot, and while ...

... The First Mom. The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says," I'd love to, but it's too much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I really hate waiting on Queens Blvd" He replies," Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you !" His mother replies," I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle. it's just too much trouble" He replies," Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you-it's my private jet !" To which she replies," Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all ...

... 12 Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Turkey Salmonella won't be a concern. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened. Uninvited guests will think twice next year. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps. No one will overeat. The smoke alarm was due for a test. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout. You'll get to the desserts even quicker. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches. [Author Unknown-from 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Signs You're Overdoing Thanksgiving. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet. tall. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the. earth's axis. You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses. Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy. Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian. The" Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12 ' jon boat! The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland. Your" Big Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist. You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail. You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday. Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy. You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games. That rash on your stomach ...

... doesn't hang you upside down like a bat, doesn't cause your brain to flop around inside your skull-it just goes up and then comes back down. That's it, Dad, no big deal. What they don't tell you is HOW it comes back down. You're strapped into a seat and pulled gently up into acrophobia, the city falling away from you. Okay, not so bad, and in the conversation you're having with God you explain that you're thankful for the wonderful view but you really would like to get down now. And that's just how you descend: NOW. Without warning, you plummet to the ground in an uncontrolled free fall. You must be moving faster than the speed of sound because when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. Your life passes before your eyes, and your one regret is that you will not have an opportunity to punish your children for bringing you to this hellish place. Brakes cut ...

... the moon lit night, he saw two horses standing in the field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated," It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again" Still dazed from bumping his head, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, and then got into the car, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and then sped away in his car. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar." Large whiskey, please !" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked," What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost !"" It's unbelievable ," the man said, as he started telling the rancher what had just happened to him down the road. The rancher took a sip of ...

... Will Rogers on Government & Politics" I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts"" With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke"" Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, that don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous"" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for"" The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected"" The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office"" The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best"" Our public men are speaking every day on something, but they ain't saying anything"" The budget is a mythical bean bag ...

... . I'll run. if I'm able! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud until the end of the day! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan," She's so sweet when she's sleeping !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... coach or a choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote, and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the harpy 2 ), will choose a gift for me that is fun-maybe something like a root canal or a vasectomy. [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Yankee Dogs -Southern Dawgs A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg (Yankee) Poodle (Southern) Circus Dawg (Yankee) St. Bernard (Southern)" Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg" (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches (Yankee) Beagle (Southern) Rabbit Dawg (Yankee) Rottweiler (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still. (Yankee) Yellow Lab (Southern) Ol ' Yeller Dawg (Yankee) Black Lab (Southern) Duck fetchin ' Dawg (Yankee) Greyhound (Southern) Greased Lightnin ' Dawg (Yankee) Malinois (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc. (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs (Yankee) Pekinese (Southern) Mop Dawg (Yankee) Chinese Crested (Southern) Nekkid ...

... Bin told thar's more'n one way Ta skin that rascal cat, If the good Lord's willin ' 'n ' the creek don't rise~Yew kin*quote*me on that. I'm apathetic-ignorant Don't know 'n ' I don't care, If yew don't heed which way yew go All roads'll git yew there. I'm jist a good example Of what it costs ta sin, I'd really like ta halp yew out~Which way did yew come in? Tho sum folk thank that Heaven's Sum thunk-up nursery rhyme, The Good Book don't begin with" Now, once upon a time"~That devil's bin a-temptin ' me Long as I bin alive, But I don't stop ta pick him up He always wants ta*drive *! Hey, I ain't got no mind ta cozy-up In Luxury's lap, I'd gladly gnaw my best arm off Ta keep me from that trap. That rich man 'n ' the camel's eye Strainin ' ta swaller a gnat, ...

... The 'Real ' Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage" Some Assembly Required" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat-let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then ...

... don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases. MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about. MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5! MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do. MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on. MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, ...

... trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question" By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer," I'd like to hear what he has to say" Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded," Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol ' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape ...

... should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers"" Slower than the speed limit ?" she says." No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly .Twenty-two miles an hour !" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that" 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error." But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken. They haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the officer says." Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119" [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... yet, try it yourself and see what happens. Even using the same products and appliances, I simply cannot get my hair to look the way it does when my stylist does it. The only solution is to get a divorce and spend every penny of my alimony to keep a hair dresser at my beck and call. I ’ m kidding, of course. Really, dear, I ’ m just kidding. I should have been born a HIM. Thanks a lot, Mom.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, ...

... list. Mike's the biggest trouble maker in school, And his parent's never thought he'd amount to anything! Mike kept telling the teacher his dog ate his homework. We didn't believe him until his dog graduated from Yale. When I get home from school, it takes me about an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father helps. I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought me a cheap dictionary but I couldn't find the words to thank him. My dad bought me a thesaurus, too. I thought that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable. I was doing geography homework and I asked him where I would find the Catskills. He said," I don't know, your mother puts everything away !" When my father saw my report card, he said I was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in history. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Bank and presumably someone who could afford to regularly replace any worn-out items in his wardrobe – was once photographed after he ’ d removed his shoes to enter a mosque. Newspapers around the world subsequently splashed across their pages photos of the banking whiz with two big toes sticking through holes in his socks. The man couldn ’ t help it. He ’ s obviously a bearer of the sock exhaust gene, and most likely, the underwear overuse one as well (thankfully, we have no pictures on that). I have evidence of this DNA disability in my own family. My father is notorious for his thriftiness when it comes to underwear retention. Several years ago, as a joke, I started putting new briefs in my dad ’ s Christmas stocking every year. It made me feel better to believe that, at least on an annual basis, he ’ d be dressed in hole-free knickers. Recently, though, I had to go ...

... them down. They were stuck, like so many oversized kittens, up in that tree. It was probably Eve who first asked the question we women have been asking ever since: Why is it there's never a man around when you need one? Every male in my family had made himself scarce that evening. My husband had retreated to a local sports bar, to hang out with other men and do whatever it is men do at such places. But thanks to the magic of cell phones, I was able to summon him home to play fireman. He arrived, giving me one of those “ why can ’ t you handle this ?” looks, and immediately fetched a ladder. Climbing up into the tree, he gently coaxed each girl down to safety. I doubt Samuel L. Jackson, battling all those hissing serpents on the plane, was any more heroic. But I ’ ll bet the snakes were quieter than our teens ...

... off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (square-head) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle. Remove all food from the house that is recognizable and actual tastes good. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat-hangar and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall, while wearing your bath-robe backwards and holding it closed in the back. [Author Unknown-thanks James, 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... offers oohs and aaahs at his meat-turning prowess, and he nods and grunts at them, again acknowledging their rightful admiration. Upon my return with his second beer, he grandly announces that the grilling process is complete. Then he hands me the charred main dish, beaming with satisfaction. I bring all the food to the table and summon everyone to come and eat. During the meal, The General is congratulated by the other men on a job well done and thanked for all his hard work. Later, after I ’ ve washed the dishes, he asks me how I enjoyed my “ night off ” “ Oh, I enjoyed it very much, General ,” I mutter sarcastically. “ Huh ?” “ Never mind ,” I say. “ Maybe you should go clean the grill ”~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children ...

... Not Enough Cashiers Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time. Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle-there's so much to learn! I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any. I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot. I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne. I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home. I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas. I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time. I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning. I can update my ...

... always have parts left over. Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears ' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is." From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks" Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook-but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks." Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger ?" Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to" A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts" Everyone knows why. Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a ...

... feet? Miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! At the Electric Company We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be. In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up. At a Propane Filling Station: Thank Heaven for little grills. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait. [Author Unknown-from Diane Dean White (Thelamb212 at aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Addendum-PROPHESY FULFILLED-Isaiah 7: 14"... The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel" Several HUNDRED years later... Matthew 1: 23" The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel-which means, 'God with us" I hope you all have a" true" Merry Christmas, and joyfully give thanks for the priceless gift God gave us. WHAT ARE YOU GIVING GOD? [Original source and author unknown.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. Therapy is expensive, poppin ' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be? I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil ...

... been higher. Everybody could use a good laugh these days. Unfortunately, it is also the worst of times because the supply of high-caliber comic relief is getting harder to come by. Mirthful material used to practically fall from the trees like leaves in autumn. It used to come bubbling up from the ground like oil – black gold for even the borderline funny, Texas tea for those who were only marginally witty. Anybody could be a humorist. Now though, thanks to society ’ s rabid appetite for amusement and a restriction of humor supplies by the grumpy but powerful Organization of People Expecting Calamity (OPEC ), only the most committed pun providers remain in the field. And we ’ re having to dig much deeper for our jokes. Soon, unless we can develop new sources for our laugh lodes, professional humorists like me will have to drill for droll in places no comedian has gone before. Therefore, just as many industries are passing on ...

... 200! Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. Customer: You're insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with United [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips and start over-but hurry, January is just around the corner. [Author Unknown-thanks Mary, from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. It was at that moment, while crouching behind my golf club bag, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my #3 driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it? Your prompt reply to this important matter will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance, Charlie [Author Unknown-from 'Will and Guy ' (guyn @computerperformance.co.uk)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question" By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer," I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie" Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded," Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was ...

... Elderly Texting Texting for the elderly.... BTW: Bring The Wheelchair ROFL. CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing. Can't Get Up DWI: Driving While Incontinent LOL: Living On Lipitor OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren! OMG: Ouch, My Groin! IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? WTF: What's Today's Fish? IMHMO: In My HMO. RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money? BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock-Early Bird Special) FWB: Friend With Betablockers FYI: For Your Indigestion. JK: Just Kvetching TTYL: Talk To You Louder MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out LWO: Lawrence Welk's On MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor SUK: Speak Up, Kid WIWYA: When I Was Your Age GOML: Get Off My Lawn [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All ...

... I have fond memories of TV fitness from college, when my roommates and I wasted valuable study time watching Jane Fonda prance around in leg warmers while encouraging us to feel the burn. Although we rarely actually did her workout, we definitely toned our young tummies with all our hearty laughter at poor Jane ’ s expense. I still can ’ t listen to Jimmy Buffett ’ s Changes in Latitudes Changes in Attitudes without experiencing a strong urge to do buttocks tucks. Thanks for the memories, Jane. Being older and wiser now, with a tummy in need of more than laughter, I decided to seek out a new queen of calisthenics to show me the way. And I found her in the form of a fitness show called Boot Camp led by a woman in stunningly good shape named Cathe. Yes, that ’ s Cath and then an e that is set off from the rest of the name, italicized and gussied up with a different ...

... YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal. [Author Unknown-from Thomas Ellsworth, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... were, have also evaporated, crowded out by all the other stuff in my head – user names, passwords, PIN codes, security codes and the wide variety of numbers necessary to use the communication devices that populate my life. Lyrics to songs I really don ’ t like stay on a loop in my skull, and goofy theme songs from those “ ask your doctor ” commercials burrow like brain badgers into my mental synapses and refuse to be dislodged. (Thanks so much to the makers of those Viva Viagra commercials !) Yet I can go to the grocery store and draw a blank when I try to remember what I needed. My kids have lovingly suggested that my warranty must have expired, while I have just as lovingly disowned them. Don ’ t worry about them, though, because I ’ ve already forgotten I did that. The lowest blow came recently when I was shopping at a store that offers a “ senior discount ” ...

... right back. You can buy a recreational vehicle. I ’ m sure this is how our pioneer ancestors, who worked so hard to tame the wilderness, would have wanted it. Last summer, my family disregarded this character-building camping system by skipping right to the everything-including-the-kitchen-s nk phase for our first campout in the mountains of Colorado. We rented an RV. And it was great. This year, we were once again eager to explore the Great Outdoors. But thanks to my husband, we backtracked from our very civilized home on wheels to a couple of musty tents that left us wet, whiny and at least in my case, whimpering with embarrassment. Claiming that our previous RV experience did not allow sufficient bonding with Mother Nature and each other, the man I married suggested we borrow tents from friends and head for the hills. Although I suspected my cheapskate spouse was actually trying to leave enough room in the family budget for a new set ...

... before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last! Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded," What happened, Father ?" All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost! Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you! The priest nodded wisely and said" That's the problem with you Protestants. you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... with a sigh and answer, resolved that if it is a sales call, I'm going to hang up." I've got very good news for you ," a woman greets me. My pulse quickens; I've been expecting a call like this from the Nobel-Prize committee for some time." Really ?"" You've been pre-approved for a $5000-credit-limit American Dog Club credit card ," she informs me happily." Ah. Well, that is good news, but no thanks"" Couldn't you use an extra $5000 ?" she wants to know, sounding hurt." Well sure, but the problem is, you credit-card people always seem to want your money back ," I explain." But this is a very, very special credit card ," she reports." It has a picture of a dog on it"" A dog"" Yes !" she exults." What kind of dog ?" I am unable to prevent myself from asking ...

... to the game and so I did, bringing a book with me to ward off certain boredom. If you are shaking your head at anyone nerdy enough to bring a book to a hockey game, you know just how my loved ones were feeling. If you are nodding your head in dweebish accord because you feel my pain, contact me later. We dorks need to circle the wagons and stick together. I arrived at the game knowing only one thing (thanks to Mr. Dangerfield) about hockey – that it tended to occasionally break out in the midst of a brawl. So I entered the arena primed for violence, my head down, my shoulders hunched, my beloved book clutched close in case someone tried to snatch it and begin reading. Surprisingly, we made it to our seats in the front row of the appropriately named “ nosebleed ” section without incident. I looked around at the enthusiastic crowd, many of them wearing team ...

... . The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. The agenda was adopted. the minutes were approved. the financial secretary gave a grief report. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The 'Over 60s Choir ' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement:" Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa" Small typographical error seen in the church's bulletin:" The May meeting of the church finance committee will be hell as usual" Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the rec. hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Announcement in ...

... that we complete this declaration of independence. Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here. Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday? Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems. Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy. Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font. Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week. Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out. Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night. Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault! Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to ...

... bring you FRANKIN-THENSE ," he said in the loud, clear voice. Miss Swickey almost yelled" Hallelujah ," but, restrained herself. After the performance, the pastor came up and congratulated Miss Swickey on a job well done." That was the best Christmas pageant this church ever had ," he said." Congratulations. I take it that you did what I told you to do"" Yes, Pastor. I did. It worked real well. And thanks for helping me by praying, too"" It wasn't me ," the pastor said." Your help came from an entirely different source"" What do you mean ?"" Young Homer, there. He was so worried about not being able to say frankincense in the play and making you angry, that he did quite a bit of praying himself in the past 24 hours. We adults could learn a lot from those kids, Miss Swickey. 'Their middle name is 'faith ...

... across the conveyor belt just before the scale, which suddenly blows an empty box off the line – without stopping the line. He turns to one of the nearby workers and asks, “ who put that fan there ?” “ I did, sir. I got tired of having to stop what I was doing, go remove the empty box on the scale, and then restart the line. Stopping and starting the line was hurting our overall production. Now, thanks to that little $20 fan, no more empty boxes. Good idea, huh ?” “ Yeah, good idea ” [Author Unknown-Edited-Received from 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... suits discussing those games and the gladiators who play them. Our living room carpet suffers from football-mouth disease, caused by a constant assault from nacho cheese, onion dip, beer and chips that fall from lips that have to stop eating and scream at the idiots who are letting the victory slip from their very large hands. And it ’ s only going to get worse. The holidays will be hamstrung by this crazy sport. When our extended family gathers to give thanks, three generations of football fanatics will genuflect before the gridiron god. It ’ s enough to make me want to throw up. Or punch a hole in the wall. Or maybe I ’ ll grab some of my rowdy friends and go shopping.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to ...

... to mumble a few words in church to get married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced"" If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce"-Jack Nicholson" The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it"" The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding"" A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one"-Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings" Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it"" If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces-and more bankruptcies"-Frances Rodman" Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke"" Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales"" There are two times when ...

... An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked," Where are you going ?" He replied," To the kitchen" She asked," Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?" He replied," Sure" She then asked him," Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" He said," No, I can remember that" She then ...

... I had to actually push my reluctant Romeo into the shop, where he dithered at the entrance for many minutes, apparently fearing that his mere presence in such a prettified place would render him unmanly. Finally, I heard the store clerk offer to help. When she asked him how much he wanted to spend, his answer – “ As little as possible ” – made me pity his poor girlfriend. But he finally emerged with an acceptable gift. So, thanks to me, my curmudgeon of a son survived the birthday and came out undeservedly smelling like that proverbial rose. The next day, I found him lying on his bed, gazing up at the ceiling with a self-satisfied smile on his face. A smile that collapsed like a house of cards when I brought him crashing back to earth. “ Better save your money, kiddo ,” I said. “ Christmas is right around the corner ”~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is ...

... driver says," Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating" Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:" Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control" As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls," Would you please keep your mouth shut ?" The wife smiles demurely and says," You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did" As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth," Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut ?" The officer frowns and says," And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine" The driver says," Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, ...

... There's always something you've missed. (Isn't that why they came up with checklists ?) Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots. [Orginal source unknown. Thanks from all of us who like to fly.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Memory Loss An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked," Where are you going ?" He replied," To the kitchen" She asked," Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?" He replied," Sure" She then asked him," Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" He said," No, I can remember that" She ...

... . I cooked a soggy spinach quiche for a teacher breakfast and Kitchen Sink cookies for the first PTA meeting. Those treats turned literal when they actually fell into the sink as I tried to juggle a cookie-laden plate and a crying child at the same time. They were slightly damp, but still perfectly edible. (The rash of reported illness among parents the next day was a mere coincidence) My giant Jello monster at Halloween was more funny than frightening. By Thanksgiving, I was a confirmed bottom-feeder, instructed to bring turnips (turnips !) to the class Pilgrim feast. I tried to redeem myself at Christmas, but my cupcakes collapsed into a gooey mess. I managed to fall short at every turn, forgetting the spoons for the Chili Cookoff, knocking over a display at the Book Fair and spilling the soda at the Fall Festival. Clumsy and barely competent, I was clearly an abomination to the bake sale set. That's when Madame President ...

... be trembling like Jell-O in an earthquake and that by the end of the day your face will freeze and fall to the ground. You agree that bones are meant to be broken, and that you don't need to feel your fingers or toes for the rest of the day." You know that while snow is usually soft, we've spent the night running special equipment up and down the slopes so that they are packed hard as cement. There's no need to thank us for this." You have the right to an orthopedist. If you do not know the name of an orthopedist, one will be appointed for you" A final piece of equipment: two poles, one for each hand, so that as you wobble and wave your arms, they will accentuate how stupid you look. You sign the form and struggle to the car. Your family is waiting impatiently-they want to hurry up and get to the slopes. But you just ...

... . The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says," Keep honking, I'm reloading" In fact, don't honk at anyone. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway ...

... is probably too late to see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma somewhere after the third question. Have a nice day" Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I zoom home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring the receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I have insurance." This is Doctor Spleensplitter"" Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you answered the phone"" Oh, I'm. I believe I picked up the wrong line"" Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull apathy, plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me !"" Skull apathy ?"" Yes"" What sort of symptoms are you experiencing, Mr. Cameron ?"" Well, I have this mole shaped like a moose, only lately it looks like it has developed ...

... disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging polite," Hi, how's it going ," type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible." Uh, yes. yes we did, thanks"" You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. What felt like two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said." Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset ?" And that, Your Honor, is ...

... Men Say-Women Hear" I can't find it" MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless." That's women's work" MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless." Will you marry me ?" MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left." It's a guy thing" MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." Can I help with dinner ?" MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?" It would take too long to explain" MEANS: I have no idea how it works." I'm getting more exercise lately" MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead." We're going to be late" MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac." Take a break, Doris, ...

... have the pleasure of this Experience. Special note: In the future, all money found in pockets Becomes the property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she Will go on alone. She has heard that you don't have to do laundry while You are on a cruise! Folded Clothes Rule~When those clean clothes miraculously appear on your bed or chair, Graciously thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a Generous contribution to the Goodwill. General Dirty Clothes Rule~If they aren't dirty, why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them Back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try something on and Decide that it will not make the fashion statement you were looking for That particular day, think twice before you ...

... nearby and your kid brother, grinning like a maniac, made obnoxious noises with his armpits. If you were unlucky, said brother got to the phone first, and then you had to endure moments of sheer torment as he mockingly questioned your caller and, if your sibling was as evil as mine was, let slip some very embarrassing (and false) information about your personal hygiene. Either way, your character was strengthened by the experience. But now, thanks to cell phones, calls and text messages from the opposite sex can come in unnoticed by others. No character building in that. And parents don ’ t get any warning from music either. Back when I was afflicted with amour, I ’ d stoke my teenage tragedy meter by listening to music by bands like Bread and The Carpenters (remember them ?). When they heard this kind of sappy sound emanating from my room, my folks would know something was up. But ...

... got married on the same day and at the same time" Teacher:" George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" Johnny:" Because George still had the axe in his hand" Teacher:" Who are the most grateful people in the human race ?" Johnny:" The Turkish" Teacher:" Why is that ?" Johnny:" You celebrate thanksgiving with turkeys right ?" Teacher:" Why were the times of King Arthur known as the dark ages ?" Johnny:" Because it was 'Knight ' time sir !" Teacher:" Who is the fastest human being in the world ?" Johnny:" My mother. She can catch me doing anything" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-The Turkey Shot out of the Oven (Thanksgiving or Christmas ). ...