... Dear Science Teacher Dear Science Teacher: My son has asked me to write you to explain why his assignment will not be turned in on time this morning. As it was explained to me, the experiment he was to conduct involved a re-creation of Pavlov's study of" conditioned response ," in which dogs hear a bell when they are served dinner and eventually come to associate the sound with food to the extent that they drool whenever they hear a ringing noise. (Frankly ... room. In a demonstration of human Pavlovian response, my son reacts to the proximity of the television by picking up the remote and surfing channels. The dog whines, eager to begin work on the project. Step Three: The son's channel surfing stumbles upon the movie" Bikini Car Wash III ," and I sort of lose track of what's going on for several minutes. Step Four: The wife steps right in front of the television (during, I might add, ...

... Son To Israel A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home." Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers ," the son said." It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that ... tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi." It is amazing that you should come to me ," stated the Rabbi," I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons ?"" Brothers, we must take this to the Lord ," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated ...

... The Loose End and The Laundry" Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead" Erma Bombeck By some strange twist of fate, I've brought forth a football fanatic. My son is one of those addled creatures whose very DNA, I'm convinced, has a pigskin membrane. Unfortunately for him, he has a mother who wouldn't know a touchdown from a hoedown. For the life of me, I can't understand the appeal of the ... For some reason, the group of girls began to giggle. Baffled, I later informed my son that some of his puffs were not the sharpest knives in the drawer." They were laughing at me for no reason" My son's face acquired a look of dread." Mom ," he said slowly, between gritted teeth," what did you say to them ?"" I just said you're a loose end on the team" He grabbed his head with both hands ...

... walls throughout our house are decorated with portraits of our family sitting together, smiling and serene. These photographs have the same dubious pedigree as snapshots of flying saucers -a more realistic picture would depict my daughters screaming at each other and my son spilling his milk. News that a professional photographer was coming to our house for yet another installment in this documentary series of Happy Moments Which Never Really Happened did not seem to register with anyone until suddenly one Saturday morning my wife proclaimed that ... that if he were getting dirty, it would somehow be my fault, so I set out to find him. Stepping outdoors gave me escape from my daughters ' shrieking, but it also put me in a position to witness my son's attempt to ride his bicycle over a small jump in the yard. Due to his adversarial relationship with gravity, he wound up crashing into a muddy hole, filthy water soaking every surface. Grinning, he gave me a thumbs up. ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Teenager in Love-Each night I ask the stars up above Why must I be a teenager in love?-Dion And The Belmonts My teenage son is in love for the first time, and his puppy love is taking a big bite out of his mother ’ s psyche. I know his heart will go on, but I ’ m not sure mine can stand the strain. You forget how ferocious those ... ’ s angst-ridden expression was just a bad case of indigestion. By the time a cute little snippet of a girl appeared at my door swinging a blond ponytail and wielding a metaphorical woman ’ s weapon-feared by all mothers of sons – capable of separating me from my baby, it was too late. He was smitten. I used to think girls were far more affected by these things than boys. I was wrong. My son, the child who normally can ...

... the stomach. Fred had told me earlier that he hadn't brought any beer. When this turns out to be the truth I shrug it off, sobbing uncontrollably for less than an hour." Isn't this great, Dad ?" my son marvels. I gaze upon him expressionlessly. He has spent the evening playing in the creek, fishing for trout, and catching fireflies. Why couldn't he be content sitting with glazed eyes in front of Nintendo like other red-blooded American boys? ... my fork at Fred, who blinks in the sudden spray of wiener juice." If man had been meant to camp, we would have been born with four-wheel drive" Night falls hard in the American wilderness. I call my son's attention to the croak of various small animals being eaten by lions, though Fred insists they are crickets." Like a cricket would be way out here in the woods !" I hoot. Fred may be an experienced camper, but he ...

... The Fish Trial My son keeps me well informed whenever he earns a good grade on something at school, which means there are long periods of time during which he does not want to discuss his classes with me. So I was heartened when he offered to show me his science project: Sure enough, he had a large" A" emblazoned on the cover, along with the note that his teacher found his effort" organized and very amusing !" Not sure that ... to write a letter to his teacher, but I need to wait until I've calmed down, because so far all I've managed to set down on paper are the words" Dear Mr. Butt-Head" I don't want to jeopardize my son's grade, but I don't see how he could have gotten an 'A ' for the conclusion that fish have a good sense of humor. Clearly, they do not. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2003-{ used with permission ...

... Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives ... 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the!!!! mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained," a man ...

... eat the Apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 ... and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. It ...

... they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight. Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold ... playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ...

... paw at the door like a boxer determined to end the fight. 'Hey! Stop that! ' I'll yell. The dog will be bewildered ' if I know he's out there, why don't I open the door? ' I can tell by my pet's face that he thinks he knows what we're all talking about at the table. Here's what the dog thinks we're saying: Me: This sure is a good meal! Let's not leave any for the dog. Son: Ha ha. Daughter: Later, we'll give the dog some food made from compressed cardboard. It's the same stuff we've fed him for only about 600 times in a row, so to him it's still special. The vet says it is far better for the dog than anything that tastes good. And you know how much we like the vet for fixing the dog! Son: I'll give the dog the compressed cardboard! Me: But not the cat? Daughter ...

... Tennis Lessons for my Son I am something of a natural-born tennis player -meaning, I play like someone who has never had lessons. I'm also blessed with a superb athletic ability, so that even though I go a decade without setting foot on a tennis court, when I pick up a racket I'm instantly as good as when I played for the very first time. My 15-year-old son decided this summer that he wanted to take up the sport, and asked me if I would give him some lessons." Sure ," I responded with enthusiasm," how about next month sometime ?" Kids nowadays are into" instant gratification ," so he seemed to feel waiting an entire month was too much to ask. He even accused me of" doing nothing" at that moment, even though he could clearly see I was involved in getting comfortable on the hammock. A nurturing and involved parent, I decided to forego my nap and drive my son ...

... Lottery. Then I want a brief paragraph, nothing more, describing the circumstances:" Lottery officials announced today that they were 'stunned ' that the same person could win the Lotto three times in one year" I've often wondered what would happen if this journalistic style — headline, and then paragraph — were applied to the actual events of my life. Like this: Lumpy Socks Cancel Family Hike A scheduled family hike today was canceled indefinitely when W. Bruce Cameron's teenaged son announced there were crippling lumps in his socks. Investigation into the cause of these lumps was inconclusive. Replacement socks were called for, which led to a heated discussion among the Cameron children on whose turn it was to do laundry. Eventually the father of the family, speaking on condition of agitation, suggested the son clean his room as an alternative exercise. The son, when reached for comment, rejected this idea because his room was" smelly"" Most Popular" ...

... youngest child is innocent in the ways of the world, and then he comes up and asks you .well, you know. The QUESTION." Dad? Why can't we ever go camping ?" Normally I handle his requests for information with a very patient and caring" Ask your mother" Somehow I know, though, that this is one of those times only a dad will do. Lovingly, I place a warm hand on his shoulder and reply," My son, camping was made obsolete with the invention of the condominium"" But Dad ," he protests," The Johnsons camp all the time !" Johnson! That rat. You know the type. His Christmas decorations are never up past the middle of January. Every weekend he is out hammering, mowing, and painting, always whistling as he walks around with the list his wife prepared for him, producing such a racket I can barely nap! Johnson, who deviously takes ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Middle School Mosh Pit I thought I was being a good parent by volunteering recently to be a chaperone at my son ’ s 8th grade dance. Judging, though, by his apparent horror when I told him, I suspect my boy will not consider my presence a highlight of his upbringing. Nevertheless, I was there, and after witnessing what passes for dancing among the middle school set, I fear for the survival of our civilization. On the positive side, the dance has been responsible for a heartening improvement in my son ’ s hygiene habits. When he first attended as a sixth-grader, my pubescent progeny had to be persuaded to take a shower and apply a couple of swipes of deodorant. This year, however, he actually wore a suit and slathered himself in a variety of studly-smelling products so powerful I had to drive with the windows open. He even claimed to have ...

... dressed in hole-free knickers. Recently, though, I had to go into my father ’ s closet to get something, and there I found a box filled with every package I ’ ve given him – unopened and unused. He swears he will eventually get around to wearing them, but I have my doubts. Apparently, even though females are not infected with these genetic disorders, they can be carriers. I seem to have passed them on to my own teenage son. The other day, I decided to clean out his dresser so that its drawers could actually be closed, something that hasn ’ t happened since 1999. Normally, I don ’ t enter my son ’ s room without the benefit of a hazmat suit, but I was tired of passing by and seeing the dresser drawers hanging precariously out over the floor, somehow never falling completely out of their slots. The long-suffering dresser deserved better. I started with the sock drawer ...

... fictional until I encountered it when I was forced to drive with a teenager under the influence of driver ’ s education. Now, don ’ t get me wrong. Driver ’ s Ed is a very good thing. Bless those people with nerves of steel (and possibly minds of mush) who actually spend their days trying to teach something to creatures who already know everything. The problem is that Driver ’ s Ed has been infiltrated by Newspeak, and once your son or daughter has been brainwashed by it, you will never again be considered a competent driver. I found this out the hard way when, with my learner ’ s-permit-bearing son in the passenger seat, I pulled out of my driveway. In a hurry that day, I ’ d decided I was not mentally equipped for one of our white-knuckle trips with him behind the wheel. So I was driving, something I have been able to do for many years without major incident ...

... elevator shaft -except that in this case, at the end of each semester the elevator takes you back up to the top floor so you can do it again. For those parents who believe they might accidentally have given birth to children smart enough to get into college, here's a session of Bruce the Answer Man to address their concern. (" Concern" in this case being the same as" panic ") QUESTION: I've always meant to establish a college fund for my son, but now he's 19. Does this make me a bad parent? ANSWER: No, it makes you a typical parent. QUESTION: Please explain the meaning of college" non-discretionary fees" ANSWER: Take tuition, room, and board and subtract it from your net income. The amount left over is what college will cost you in" non-discretionary fees" QUESTION: But that leaves no money for food, clothing, and shelter! ANSWER: Having a child in ...

... Hoe, Hoe, Hoe An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad," For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS !" Love, Bubba At 5 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up ...

... knows that all of the good rides are on the carnival midway-strategically placed somewhere between the coin toss and the rubber ducky pond. And sure enough one sunny afternoon, as we were strolling towards the Tilt O Whirl of Death minding our own business, I heard a voice call out from the water gun races ," Win a jumbo Pokemon of your choice! Only one dollar !" I tried to ignore it, but I could tell by the way my five-year old son was jumping up and down and pulling on my elbow, that it was too late." Hey, Mom ," he said." Can I try? Pleeeeease ?" I considered telling him all about the mysterious force and the flashing lights and loud music and all that, but I knew he wouldn't understand." Well, OK ," I said." One try" After all, I told myself, I was a good mother and wanted my child to be happy ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Dude, Where's My Son? My son recently turned 13, and the last traces of that sweet little boy who thought I hung the moon seem to have vanished. In his place is a strange, slouching creature with a pencil-thin mustache and adolescent angst oozing from every pore. This extraterrestrial I once called flesh and blood, whose mood swings dwarf the Grand Canyon, seems intent on bungee jumping from that rickety bridge connecting a child with adulthood. And I think he plans on dragging his rapidly aging mother along for the ride. A drastic language change was the first indication of alien infestation in my once-cherished offspring. The rosy-cheeked cherub who used to run to me, eyes shining with adoration and shouting" Mommy !" began to address me (and everyone else) as" Dude" At 13 months, he was a sponge, joyfully soaking up new words, becoming more communicative every day ...

... Unusual Food-Drug Interaction Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. When he asked Casey," Is there anything you are allergic to ?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read:" Do not take with broccoli" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... in the classifieds:" Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:" You can have mine" When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. A little boy asked his father," Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" The father replied," I don't know son, I'm still paying" Young son:" Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad:" That happens in every country, son" Then there was a woman who said," I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late" Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Backpack Black Hole Indiana Jones has nothing on me. The intrepid explorer may have had to face a pit of snakes and various other vermin, but that ’ s child ’ s play compared to the task that awaits me at the end of every school year. I ’ ve got to clean out my son ’ s backpack, and I need a lot more than a whip and a fedora to do it. There ’ s an attraction at Disneyland called the Indiana Jones Summer of Hidden Mysteries. I ’ ve got my own beginning-of-summer hidden mystery, and I don ’ t have to travel to Disneyland to experience it. That ’ s because it suddenly shows up at my house – a stinky, overstuffed sack with fraying stitches, its various substances emitting sulfurous fumes that are probably banned by international treaty. I ’ ve known all year, of course, about the existence of this ...

... something he hadn ’ t before! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn ’ t come from a store Maybe Christmas … perhaps … means a little bit more! – How the Grinch Stole Christmas Every family has at least one gift grinch, a holiday humbugger who seems to spoil the glory of giving. In my family, we have two different kinds of the breed – one a young cheapskate and the other older and impossible to please. The cheapskate-my teenage son-has perfected the miserly art of penny-pinching on presents to such an extent that he could give Scrooge a run for his money. I discovered this character flaw last year when I set him loose in the mall with instructions to use his last two months ’ allowance to buy eight inexpensive, yet thoughtful gifts for each family member. I should have been more specific on the difference between inexpensive and downright pathetic Over the next two hours, as I rushed from store to store ...

... Why Are We Here? So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me," Dad, why are we here ?" And this is what I said:" I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt or eat sunflower seeds without using his hands." We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up, and then find the ball in the hole." We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt, and the Converse sneakers we lettered in on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to ...

... For men, simple creatures who can ’ t faithfully follow a grocery list, this is a nightmare. These befuddled beings are caught, like the typically baffled Homer Simpson, between a rock and a hard place. And if, like my oldest child, they are newbies in the land of love and utterly unfamiliar with the world of women, they would often probably like to dive under that rock and pull the hard place down like a fortress around them. My son, the one who just yesterday was sleeping on Big Bird sheets, has a girlfriend for the first time. It ’ s a sweet, harmless little relationship, full of furtive phone calls and fierce feelings. And it ’ s dangerous territory for a boy who once spent a week impersonating the ultra-logical and emotionless Mr. Spock from the first Star Trek series. My young Vulcan got quite emotional, though, when suddenly faced with the harsh reality that, even in the ...

... , if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. In 1909, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. In 1909, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1909, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR. In 1909, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia. Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams. In 1909, a father smoked a ...

... Crying One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man," Why are you crying, my son ?" The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy. As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked," Why are you crying my son ?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy. Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked," Why are you crying, my son ?" The man said," Lord I work for the public school system". and the Lord sat down and cried with him! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ...

... me, his furry face as horrifying to look upon as Mick Jagger's. Most ominous is his silence -I've read somewhere that a barking bear is much less likely to attack than a quiet one. I try to remember what to do: stop, drop, and roll? Make a sound like a bear trap? Other than my honeymoon, I have never been this frightened in my life." Fred !" I hiss. I glance at the tent, where my son lies sleeping, sprawled among the Johnsons. The walls are so infected with mildew, mold, and gangrene that I am pretty sure the bear can't smell them." Fred !" I shout more loudly." What ?" Fred answers irritably." I said we didn't have any beer"" There's a bear out here! Get your gun !" I whisper urgently." A bear ?" he demands incredulously. There is a flurry of sound from within the tent, the ...

... Dear Santa My son and Santa Claus have been pen pals every Christmas since he first learned to write. Traditionally, letters to Saint Nick are stuffed in the stockings hanging over the wood stove we call our" fireplace ," and are answered via the same mysterious process that allows the jolly old elf to descend down a six-inch stove pipe every Christmas Eve. Here is this year's exchange: Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I would like a guinea pig. I have other stuff I want, but I wanted to get the guinea-pig request in early. Signed, the Best Boy in the World Dear Best Boy: You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately. Dear Santa: Well the directions ...

... Trip To The Moon When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated." What are these guys in the big suits doing ?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called ...

... by forming a committee to debate the fairness of this directive. After a brief discussion, they reach the consensus that everyone should be held responsible for his or her" own" junk. As corollary to this absurd principle, they initiate an anthropologic study into the contents of each receptacle. For example, since the parents cook, most of the trash under the sink is" theirs" My oldest daughter haughtily declares that she" never" throws anything away. My son, checking through the downstairs trash can to gather evidence that he's not accountable for that one, begins to feel remorse over some of the things he's discarded, and starts pulling items out." We're running late !" my wife warns. This could be our Official Family Motto. I recently purchased a shredder for my confidential documents, only to discover I don't have any confidential documents. However, a fifteen-year-old girl's entire life is cause for secrecy, and I can hear her ...

... Creek Jumping One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked," Son what happened ?"" I jumped in that creek down the road"" Why did you do that ?"" I dunno" His dad was very angry and said," If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan your hide-just because! Is that clear ?"" Yes dad ," the boy replies. The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in. When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked," Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again ?"" Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it !" His dad, being a religious ...

... Letter From A Mother To Her Son Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you. The family is fine ...

... Good Son Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled," I don't want prunes !" and he refused to eat them. His parents were aghast, and his father said," Robert, you know that the Lord commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not" But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator. A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning." Ah, wonderful ," said Robert's mother," this will teach him a lesson" Robert came back down the stairs, ...

... ) With the passage of time and my discovery of television, I gave up singing that song and pondering those timeless questions, and I devoted myself to more worthy pursuits like figuring out how to meet and marry the Fonz. The spaghetti song was forgotten. But apparently, it remained somewhere deep in my neural synapses (that ’ s a part of my brain, for you aging hippies who perhaps indulged too heavily in the power of the flower) And when my son was a crying infant, and I was desperate to soothe him, the song reappeared one day out of nowhere, springing out of my mouth like a mushy meatball springing out of the ground and growing into a tree. Er, yeah. Anyway, it worked wonders on my son. Whenever I sang it, he would stop crying and gaze at me in rapt attention. Actually, he was probably just too stunned by his poor genetic luck at being born to such ...

... Missed My son has gone off to college, and since he's never been away from home before, I sent him this little note to keep up his spirits, and let him know that he's missed. Dear Son: Well, it's been a week since you've gone off to school, and like many conscientious teenagers, I'm sure you're wondering how we're getting along without you, and how we've had to handle the division of labor now that you're no longer available to do your chores. Well, fret no longer; although the physical strain on me is not insubstantial, I've found a way to take on all of those household chores with which you've so graciously been willing to do for us. Just to give you an example, let me review my week for you. Monday-Slept late. Opened a new container of juice, left the safety seal on the counter. Then turned the TV on and left for work. Later ...

... ran back to his house." Father, father ," he yelled as he entered his house." The cemetery. Come quick !!!"" What's the matter ," the father asked?" No time to explain ," the boy frantically panted." Follow me !!!" The boy and the father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stood at the side of the road, and listened for a few moments. Then the father asked his son," what's wrong ?" The son said," do you hear that (he whispered )?" They both listened intently and heard the Scouts." One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you" The boy then blurted out to his father," The devil and the God are dividing the souls !!!" The father grinned but was silent. A few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts, one Scout said to the ...

... Miracle Machine An Amish boy and his father were visiting a local mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two" shiny silver walls" that enclosed a small room, and would repeatedly move apart and back together again. The boy, totally amazed by this, asked his father," What is this father ?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded," Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I do not know what it is" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed one of the buttons. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch as the circles lit up in ...

... an English-to-Portuguese translator. I was able to find Italian to Portuguese, though, and German to Italian, so when I found the English-to-German site, I'd completed the chain, and wrote out a document asking the tree guy to remove the fir tree which was menacing my house. When I handed the tree guy my written request, he looked at me very oddly, but proceeded to bring down the fir tree without incident. His crew turned out to consist of his son, who could speak fluent English as well as Portuguese, and another man who spoke only English. It was for the third member of the team that the son wrote out a translation of my request, carefully jotting down the English words above my text, as follows: Greetings to you, friend of the forest: Above the home of my people lies the ghost of the growth of the planet, whose broad arms have enfolded us in the darkness of their frowns during ...

... The Practical Joker A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied," Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you" The husband was thinking to himself," Oh no, what has he done now ?" and said with trepidation," Well what did you name them ?" The brother replied," I named the little girl Denise" The husband, relieved, said," That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son ?" The brother replied, ...

... world that could possibly be, and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed. Before children: I was thankful to have been born in the United States of America-the most powerful, free, democracy in the world.-After children: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back-seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway. Before children: I was thankful for the recycling program that will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overflowing of landfills.-After children: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, ...

... Who's That Following You? A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone. However, he didn't want his mother to walk with him. She knew she needed to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but at the same time she wanted him to feel safe. So, she came up with an idea that would satisfy both objectives. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow her son to school in the mornings, while staying a good distance behind him, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early in the morning with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get out and get some exercise as well, so she agreed help. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew ...

... What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I ...

... Little Johnny and the Fat Lady Lil ' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. By chance, they happened to be in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil ' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and said loudly," Hey, Mom, she's really fat" The lady turned around and looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil ' Johnny received a reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil ' Johnny spread his hands as far apart as they would go and loudly said to his mother," her butt is 'that ' wide, mom" Hearing his comment, the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolded her son. Again, after only a couple of minutes, Lil ' Johnny stated loudly," Look how the fat hangs over her belt" The lady turned and told ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Survivor for Sweethearts This is the time of year when I start to feel sorry for men. They've still mourning the end of football season. (YEAH !! Sorry, couldn't resist saying that) And to add insult to injury, they've just had to endure another Valentine ’ s Day. As a result, many of them are now in the proverbial dog house. Take my teenage son, for example. He has a new girlfriend, and he ’ s been feeling the holiday of the heart bearing down on him like a freight train. There are probably no couples who sail through every Valentine ’ s Day with their relationship unscathed, each person miraculously meeting and exceeding the other ’ s expectations, and neither one feeling put out or shortchanged. We women can be particularly hard on our men at this time of year. I once labeled a guy I was dating (who happened ...

... crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base be opened, and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new Jet Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked," Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force ?" The young man looks at him and says," I'm a pilot !" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says," Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it !" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked," What skills to you bring to the Air Force ?" The young man says, ...

... nine tails. The" cat" was kept in a leather or baize bag. It was considered bad news indeed when the cat was let out of the bag. Other sources attribute the expression to the old english market scam of selling someone a pig in a poke (bag) when the pig turned out to be a cat instead. Taking the wind out of his sails-Sailing in a manner so as to steal or divert wind from another ship's sails. Son of a Gun-When in port, and with the crew restricted to the ship for any extended period of time, wives and ladies of easy virtue often were allowed to live aboard along with the crew. Infrequently, but not uncommonly, children were born aboard, and a convenient place for this was between guns on the gun deck. If the child's father was unknown, they were entered in the ship's log as" son of a gun". A Square Meal ...

... . Death he willingly chose, Then GLORY TO GOD, from the grave He arose !!! Dad sprang from his bed, shouting what Christmas gives." It's not all the gifts, but that Jesus now LIVES !" So you'll hear them exclaim, on their next Christmas night, Happy Christmas to all, WHO WILL KEEP CHRISTMAS RIGHT !!! Addendum-PROPHESY FULFILLED-Isaiah 7: 14"... The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel" Several HUNDRED years later... Matthew 1: 23" The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel-which means, 'God with us" I hope you all have a" true" Merry Christmas, and joyfully give thanks for the priceless gift God gave us. WHAT ARE YOU GIVING GOD? [Original source and author unknown.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Clamshell Christmas Way back in the dinosaur days of the 1980s, I worked for a man who believed strongly in delayed gratification. He practiced it in the office, where he delayed increasing any of his employees ’ salaries long past the appropriate time. And he practiced it at home, where he delighted in wrapping his toddler son ’ s Christmas presents so thoroughly – layer upon layer of paper secured by yards of tape and elaborately tied ribbons-that it sometimes took the child days to open each gift. My boss would regale us in the last week of December with proud tales of how his son worked diligently each day – for a few minutes anyway – to open his surprises from Santa. We were even treated to pictures of the boy slumped sound asleep over a partially opened present. While the tyke ’ s father felt this extra effort would build his character, I often wondered if ...

... Directly to the Mailbox Someone once asked me," if you could be any person in the world, who would it be ?" To which I responded without hesitation," my eleven-year-old son" My boy's life is one where the less pleasant elements of reality rarely intrude. His eyes unfocused, his mouth emitting sound effects, he drifts around in serene oblivion, almost never concerned about anything. Last Saturday I interrupted his reverie and asked him to check to see if the mail had arrived. He responded agreeably enough, though it took several reminders before he actually was out the door. I went to the window to observe his progress. He made a strong start, striding purposefully toward the mailbox at the end of our driveway. Then something caught his eye and he stopped, frowning. He bent over and picked it up: a stick. It fit into his hand like a Colt pistol, and he swiveled, eyeing the trees ...

... A Child's Bill Of Rights My son came home from school one day, with a silly grin on his face, He thought he was smarter than me, his mom, and he could put me in my place. HE SAID: Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright, It's about the laws of the land, today, its called THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS. IT SAYS: That I don't have to clean my room, I don't even have to cut my hair, Nobody can tell me what I can eat, or choose the clothes I wear. IT SAID: Freedom of speech is my constitutional guarantee, and its my choice of what I read, or what I watch on T.V. I have the freedom of religion, and regardless to what you say, I don't have to ask your God for help-I don't have to pray. IT SAID: I can wear an ...

... The Prodigal Son Parable in the Key of" F" Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the filthy farmyard creatures. 'Fooey, he said, 'My father's flunkies fare far fancier, ' the frazzled fugitive found feverishly, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour ' But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast ' But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on ...

... Lass On Marriage Resistance Is Futile Weapons Of Destruction The ABCs Of Aging Analogies -Metaphors Found In High School Essays California Driving A Hunting We Will Go Your Dog Is Calling Murphy's Laws For Parents Clamshell Christmas I Know I'm Smart Valentine's Food For Thought Survival Tips Pin Something On This Donkey Say It With Me Signs Of A Frustrated Mother The B and B The Birth Order Of Childern Tips -Ladies vs Real Women Catholic Horses Thoughts To Ponder Paraprosdokians Examples Office Posters We'd Like To See Good Son Computer Woman Excuses For Sleeping Actual Excerpts Why Thoughts Eating Worms JOKE JESTER 02 On-going Really Bad Day Age Before Beauty Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care Why I Love Mom A Cowboys Prayer Importance Of Proofreading Real Story -The Three Bears Football Entrance Exam Keeping It Simple Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder Celebrating Christmas Porsche An Ounce Of Prevention KIDS KORNER 08 On-going Grandchildern Think About It Prodigal Son -Key Of -F Signs Technology Has Taken Over Your Life What The Dog Thinks Things Dogs Must Remember KIDS KORNER ...

... How To Tell If You Are A Baptist If Guys Ruled The World Employer's Lingo Interpreted Gift Wrapping Tips For Men British Citizenship Car Accident Computer Gender 12 Reasons To Be Thankful You Burnt The Turkey Attending The Resurrection A Lesson The Wayside Chapel Single Woman's Prayer Gifts For Him Rock And A Hard Place Newspaper Headlines The Scariest Costume A Teenager Is Gonna Be A Bear Golf Match Bible Questions -Answers Pinewood Church Dinner Pirates And Packers Redneck Church Hurricane Preparedness Plumber's Pants Newspaper Readers Dude -Where's My Son Shotgun Position The Fastest Thing Perfect Retirement Plan Power Of Prayer The Garden Room Larry's Quotes Creek Jumping Midyear Resolutions Feline Physics Breakfast Misunderstanding Llama Drama Country Doctor Aunt Bea The Doctor Really Means Golf For The First Time The Hairy Truth Funny Signs To Do Or Not To Do Bad Day In The ER Wrong Number2 Pet Place Three Professors The Grill General Automatic Email Replies Paul Newman -Ice Cream Hard Times For Humor Label Instructions Summertime Golf Book Tips Dog Dictionary Backpack Black Hole Deep Thoughts First Kiss ...

... Goes To Church Diary Of A Cat Dictionary For Women Diet Excuses Differences Between Men And Women Directly To The Mailbox Do Not Despair Do You Need Help -Internet Humor Does Your Cat Own You Dog's Rules For Christmas Dog-sermon Dog And Cat Medicus Dog Breeds Dog Credit Dog Dictionary Dog Food Diet Dog Lovers Dog Therapy Dogercise Doggy Dictionary Dogs And Women Don't Hit The Ducks Don't Say This To Police Don't Know -Names Test Dried Peas Driver's Ed Driver's Test Drug Problem Duct Tape Dude -Where's My Son Dumb People Dumbest People Ever During Boring Sermons E -Nnoyed By Emoticons Early Retirement Easter One -Liners Eating Worms Elderly Texting Electrical Pole Electronic Parish Elementary Bible School Tests Elephants Elevator Rules Email Ennui Employer's Lingo Interpreted Employers Words Of Wisdom Empty Nest Syndrome End Of Good Desserts Engineering Conversions Engineers English Grammer Tips English Is Tough Stuff Ethical Behavior For Patients European Diplomacy Exceptional Golfer Excerpts -A Cat's Guide Excuses For Not Going To Work Excuses For Sleeping Exercise For Seniors Exercise Program Exercising With Your Dog Explain God ...

... Think you're having a bad day? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, like in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric coffee pot. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with her son's baseball bat, breaking his arm in two places. Up until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. STILL think you're having a bad day? There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled ...

... was still running ahead of him at 60 mph !!! Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer" How did you get all these three legged chickens ?" The farmer replied," I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece"" That's amazing !" said the driver." How do they taste ?"" Don't rightly know ," said the farmer," we can't catch 'em" [Author Unknown-from LABLaughs] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... I hope they ’ ll forgive me for my Shakespeare phase. This was a phase in which I ’ d quote The Bard extensively, or as extensively as my Cliff Notes knowledge of him would allow. When it was past my kids ’ bedtimes, I ’ d order them “ to sleep, perchance to dream ” When my daughter was whining about something, I ’ d announce that “ the lady doth protest too much ” When I had to pick up my son ’ s stinky sneakers, I ’ d say sarcastically as I gagged at the odor wafting from them, “ a rose by any other name would smell as sweet ” And when my darlings would head out the door to school in the morning, I ’ d call out after them: “ Parting is such sweet sorrow !” My children would roll their eyes and groan in the pained yet patient way young people do in the presence of crazy relatives. My Shakespeare phase coincided ...

... be a police officer. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? I pay your salary! Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. When the Officer says" Gee Son. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking ?" You probably shouldn't respond with," Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his cry" the British are coming !" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War. 1812-At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to" best 2 out of 3" 1860-At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the" children's table" is instituted in 1861. 1903-Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first. 1928-To commemorate" our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever ," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River. ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! E-nnoyed By Emoticons As an English major and therefore (according to my teenage son) a certified weenie, I have a thing for punctuation. Commas make me jump with joy. Periods and parentheses provide pure pleasure. I can wax ecstatic over an exclamation mark. Semicolons, if inserted sensibly, are beautiful things to behold, while their cousins — the comely colons — leave me more in love than ever with language. (I heard that. You just called me a weenie) That's why my knickers have long been in a knot over a serious threat to the purity of punctuation. It is the insidious infection known as" emoticons ” If you've spent any time at all on a computer, you've no doubt seen them polluting e-mail and Web sites. Poor little punctuation marks — the workhorses of the written word — are being improperly pressed into service to convey emotion online. By combining ...

... I suggest we start off by simply talking to each other. After several moments of silence, we move on to board games, where we find our tongues and spend valuable time arguing over which game to play. Monopoly takes too long, and Scrabble seems to my illiterate bunch too much like school. So we settle on Clue. Before we ’ ve even had a chance to finger Colonel Mustard for the crime, my daughter has pronounced herself bored, and my son has been caught text-messaging his girlfriend under the table. My husband gives me one of his looks and asks, “ Are we having fun yet ?” Although this bit of bonding was a fairly painful experience, I remain undeterred and will use the F word again next Sunday. One way or another, we ’ re going to enjoy our Family Time. But I ’ ll probably end up looking forward to the start of another football season.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie ...

... Mayberry USA. And there was no person sweeter in Mayberry than Aunt Bea. On the show, Aunt Bea was Sheriff Andy Taylor ’ s aunt. She was warm, comforting and pillowy soft, and she could cook up a storm. When I watched the show as a child, I always wanted to climb up in her lap. The make-believe Mayberry was based on Griffith ’ s real-life hometown of Mount Airy, NC, a community that proudly promotes its favorite son. Along Main Street in Mount Airy, you can visit Snappy Lunch and eat the same famous pork chop sandwich that Andy ate as a boy. Next door, you can get a trim and shave (assuming you are a man or a very hairy woman) in the real Floyd ’ s Barber Shop, where the real Andy got his hair cut before he moved to Hollywood and had to pay a lot more for it. Right beside Floyd ’ s is Opie ’ ...

... on for some time, day after day, while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, Little Tommy got an 'A ' in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says:" Son, what was it? Was it the nuns ?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head." Well then ," she replies," Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms. WHAT was it ???" Little Tommy looks at her and says," Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around" Addendum-Proverbs 9: 9 (NASB ...

... a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.-Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2: 3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents," I have seen a .woman; now get her for me" If your parents question your decision, simply say," Get her for me. She's the one for me"-Samson (Judges 14: 1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).-David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).-Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.-Solomon (1 Kings 11: 1-3) A wife?. NOT !!!-Paul (1 Corinthians 7: 32-35) [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ...

... his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said," Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied," My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... know you ?"" Well" I gave a modest laugh." You've probably heard of me, because I write a newspaper col"" Stop calling me !" she bellowed, hanging up with a loud click. This struck me as being intolerably uncivil. I connected again." Hello ?" She sounded suspicious." Hi, look, you don't seem to understand how this technology works, here. See"" Just a minute, you can talk to my son ," she snarled. Well, good, someone who would understand what was going on." Hello ?"" Hi, I"" Look here, buddy, you've got a lot of nerve harassing my mother"" Sorry ?"" I ought to come over there and punch you in the nose, you pervert"" Pervert !"" You better apologize or you'll be saying you're sorry"" I. What? Look, in the first place, you can't come ...

... us the way I imagine Captain Ahab must have looked at his prey, the great white whale in Moby Dick. Then – surprise, surprise – we sat down to a sumptuous dinner and shortly thereafter, we had pictures taken to commemorate our nautical adventure. When we visited the ship ’ s portrait gallery to order reprints of a picture of my husband and I, the young man who waited on us referred more than once to the picture of “ you and your son ” Each time, I corrected him, speaking between clenched teeth and glaring at my highly amused husband – who, I must point out, is six months OLDER than I am. My spouse foolishly took to calling me “ Mom ” for the rest of the cruise. Now that we are home, he ’ s sleeping on the couch, not only because I ’ m mad at him but because, for some reason, I need a larger portion of the bed ...

... you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now we are packed in the balcony"" Thank you, Father ," answered the young priest." I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth"" Well ," said the elderly priest," I'm afraid you've gone to far with the drive-thru confessional"" But, Father ," protested the young priest," my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that !"" I know, son ," replied the elderly priest," but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n ' Tell or Go To Hell ' is way to much for this church" [Author Unknown-from 'Thelly-Arizona Humor ' (arizona_humor-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... riding on a bus in Jerusalem. The young Jew asks," Excuse me, sir, what time is it ?" The old Jew doesn't answer." Excuse me, sir ," the young Jew asks again," what time is it ?" The old Jew still doesn't answer." Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me ?" The old Jew says," Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational ...

... mortar ," she responded." I mean ," he continued," What are your relations like ?"" I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents" He said," Do you have a real grudge ?"" No ," she replied," We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one"" Please ," he tried again," is there any infidelity in your marriage ?"" Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes"" Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up ?"" Yes ," she responded," about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked," Lady, why do you want a divorce ?"" Oh, I don't want a divorce ," she replied." I've never wanted a divorce. ...

... During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a ...

... You're Having A Bad Day When The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money. You get to work and find a" 60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag. You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. You wake up to the soothing sound of running water. and remember that you just bought a waterbed. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife / ex-husband. You ...

... , in the lobby of a Grand Central Station. and you do it. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend. You hate the thought of his wife even more. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second ...

... retirement benefits are out of this world. It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin. Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon. This is a CH__ CH What is missing? UR Forbidden fruit creates many jams. In the dark? Follow the Son Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd. And a more current sign is. Awesome Powers-the God who snags us !!! And a quick side-dish. Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says," My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50" The second boy says ...

... will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. Many musical instruments-especially wind instruments and accordions-can be played without moving the fingers. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all ...

... 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I hope that you are satisfied"" Now, may we have our Title ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door. Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets: They live here; you don't. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. I like my pet better than I like most people. To you it's an animal. To me he and / or she is an adopted son and / or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when ...

... My room:_Can pass your" white glove" test._Is only %full._Could not be located last Saturday night._Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training. Parties:_I don't inhale_I only go to meet people_Haven't been to one since this morning. Hope you:_Miss me_Can live without me_Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence Salutation:_Your Daughter,_Your Son, [Author Unknown-Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the" big boys" He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. ...

... been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead. This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out. I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born. In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see. My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my money soon ...

... just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: 'What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too? A Jewish American Princess once came up with something original for guests (her first cooking attempt at the age of 25 ): she made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back. GEFILTE FISH A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in his fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. His son (5 years old at the time) looked at them and asked 'Is that why we call it 'Ge-filtered Fish? ' Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ('chrain) which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces. BAGELS How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon, the bagel? Like most foods, there are ...

... getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving son, Zeb P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.-Z. [Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... to eat, but first the ride attendants have to pry your fingers off of the safety bar." Open your eyes, please, sir ," they keep shouting. They finally convince you to let go, though it seems a bit discourteous of them to have used pepper spray. Staggering, you follow your children to the Hot Dog Palace for some breakfast. Food at a theme park is so expensive it would be cheaper to just eat your own money. Your son's meal costs a day's pay and consists of items manufactured of corn syrup, which is sugar, sucrose, which is sugar, fructose, which is sugar, and sugar, which is sugar. He also consumes large quantities of what in dog food would be called" meat by-products" When, after another couple of rides, he announces that he feels like he is going to throw up, you're very alarmed-having seen his meal once, you're in no mood to ...

... get better. This is the same animal who delights in rolling in dead squirrel parts, so that her fur is imbued with a stench is so powerful every canine in the neighborhood howls with envy. Whenever she rattles the room with a butt blaster, her eyes take on a radiant gleam, a" hey, that was my best one yet !" expression which is undiminished by the fact that the rest of her family is gagging and falling to the floor. My son claims to have an idea which will solve our problem. I'm not sure what he has in mind, but when I told him I was ready to try anything he began assembling a pile of tools which included his slingshot and a fifty foot garden hose. Now he is filling water balloons with beef bullion and talking to himself about the" end of butt blaster as we know it" The dog, watching from the corner, doesn't look very worried to me. [ ...

... . It ’ s true they haven ’ t written any plays, but one of them did exhibit an artistic bent – and earn himself a morning of scrubbing toilets – by writing on my walls with ketchup. They have unfortunately not dipped into either Tolkien or Tolstoy, but they have read the words on Popsicle wrappers before tossing them on the table. With the onset of August, the lazy days of summer have begun to really drive me crazy. My laconic teenage son – the one destined for a career as a comedian or possibly a member of Congress – tells me that his religion forbids any activity between sunup and sundown. I congratulate him on his staunch adherence to his faith. Even our Labrador seems nearly comatose in these dog days. The other members of my lay-about lot are deeply involved in endless, banal bickering. They argue over the color of the sky or which one of them is the biggest brat (dead even, I ...

... did not flow smoothly from one line to another, we enjoyed listening to him read. One night Billy read:" Behold, a virgin shall be with child and bear"" A bear ?" my 3-year-old Nancy interrupted." We don't have a bear in our manger ," 5-year-old Timmy said." Here, use mine ," offered Nancy, and she plopped her soft stuffed bear in the middle of the scene. Then Billy continued to read:". a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel" [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Kids Marriage Plans A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand." That's a serious step ," he said." Have you thought it out completely ?"" Sure ," his young son answered." We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night"" How about transportation ?" the father asked." I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles ," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked," What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know"" We've thought about that, too ," the little boy replied." We're not going ...

... properly ," I choked." Do you know what you are doing wrong ?" Tom asked." Drowning ?" I suggested." You're supposed to hip thrust AFTER you rotate the paddle ," Tom chided." Let's try it again" Back into the drink. Unexpectedly, I found myself thinking of my Grandfather, probably because I could hear his voice telling me to" move into the light" I tried to remember the advice he used to give me." Son ," he'd say proudly," you're a dim-witted lad who will never amount to anything" Right, Grandpa! So why am I upside down under a kayak, hydrating my lungs, when I could be at home on my couch living up to my lack of potential? I gathered what little strength I had and kicked hard against the bottom of the kayak, popping out like a champagne cork. I swam over to the pool ladder and climbed out." Mr. ...

... carpet deodorizer, and with dirty rag in hand, you rush to the door. (Note: Rushing is important. Practice your harried" you caught me right in the middle of things" look) They will have come to deliver one of the following messages:" Keep your cat out of my petunias ,"" Our other sister-in-law's house is even dirtier than yours ,"" I just stopped by to remind you (again) that you're not good enough for my son ," or" I just hope you're not killing my grandchildren with all this dirt" Take heart, though. Sooner or later, they'll have to leave, taking with them the distinct impression that in just an hour or two, your home will be immaculate. Ah, the sweet taste of victory! But what, you may ask, do you do with the stuff you've dragged out? This is where the second part of your training comes into play. As an ...

... "" What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you"" Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that"" What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses ?"" No, sir. I forgot"" Well, My Son always saves, Moses"" Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."" And did you hear back from any of them ?"" You already know I did"" What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not. Can he change the words a little bit ?"" Yes, Moses. As long as he ...

... . They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark" Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a Rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked," ...

... your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin! Right now I'll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close. [Author Unknown-forwarded: Karen Linden, via Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... , I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks"" Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same"" Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you" Luv Ya, MAMA [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... illegal in their state, of course !). Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors ' plans had just fallen through and asking if he could bring them along to the picnic-they even had extra food to bring." Sure, the more the merrier !" When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back-they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed. They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through ...

... with our mutinous mongrel. As we sat down to eat dinner, we bowed our heads and closed our eyes to say a blessing over the meal. We normally put the dog outside during meals, but this time we forgot, and while giving thanks, I felt the prickly sensation of whiskers on my arm. I opened my eyes to behold Eb ’ s head over my lap and her long tongue taking a luscious slurp of the lamb on my plate. My son, unconcerned about bowwow bacteria, offered to eat the polluted piece, but I pitched it and banished Ebony to the back yard before slicing another helping of lamb. Eb strolled out the door looking quite pleased with herself, and I can ’ t say that I blame her. Whether it ’ s lions or lambs, it ’ s pretty obvious who rules the roost around here.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee ...

... Breakfast Prunes Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled," I don't want prunes ," and he refused to eat them. His parents were aghast, and his father said," Robert, you know that God commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not" But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator. A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning." Ah, wonderful ," said Robert's mother ," this will teach him a lesson" Robert came back down the stairs, went into ...

... been working on for two years, your aunt says," I could have told you that" You search ten years for your grandmother's maiden name to eventually find it on a letter in a box in the attic. You never asked your father about his family when he was alive because you weren't interested in genealogy then. The will you need is in the safe on board the Titanic. Copies of old newspapers have holes occurring only on the surnames. John, son of Thomas the immigrant whom your relatives claim as the family progenitor, died on board ship at the age of 10. Your great grandfather's newspaper obituary states that he died leaving no issue of record. Another genealogist has just insulted the keeper of the vital records you need. The relative who had all the family photographs gave them all to her daughter who has no interest in genealogy and no inclination to share. The only record you find for your great grandfather is that his ...

... consumed too many muffins and was now oozing enough doughy flesh over the waistband for a good baker's dozen. Instead, I saw a woman who looked pretty darn good standing there in her posh pants. Psychiatrists have a medical term for such delusions, but suffice it to say da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt. So I bought those jeans and, that night, running late as usual, I quickly slipped them on just before walking the few blocks to my son's high school to watch him play in a football game. As I climbed the stands looking for a seat-my gut sucked in to prevent stomach spillover-I was feeling high on life in my hip huggers, a woman who looked hot enough to be oh so cool. Until I had to sit down. See, I had not yet sat in my trendy trousers. When I did sit, I popped right back up, shocked at how far my waistband slid ...

... we all know that love is as blind as, judging by fan reaction, a great number of football referees. So I foolishly married the man, and in time, produced some miniature Madden men of my own. Fast forward to today. I ’ m living in a house absolutely inundated by pigskin passion. We have football bed sheets, football posters on the walls, even football toilet seat covers. On Friday nights, we watch my skinny, high school son in constant danger of being turned into a football version of Flat Stanley by what look (to me, anyway) like giants on the opposing team trying to tackle him. During this silliest of seasons, the televisions in our house broadcast a perpetual stream of games, interrupted only by endless rounds of neckless men in nice suits discussing those games and the gladiators who play them. Our living room carpet suffers from football-mouth disease, caused by a constant assault from nacho cheese, ...

... the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David-he rocked Goliath to sleep. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing. Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court. Q: Which Bible character had no parents? A: Joshua, son of Nun. Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark? A: Because Noah sat on the deck. [Unknown-From: Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... the darn things without experiencing squash-induced food disorder. Tomato plants sag like bellhops carrying Ivana Trump's luggage to her room. Wicked peppers drip toward the ground, and potatoes tunnel all over the yard like prairie dogs. I'm overrun. My children react to their vegetable-enriched meals by making projectile gagging sounds and attempting to foist spoonfuls of zucchini casserole on the dog, who for the first time in her canine life has stopped begging at the table." I'm a carnivore ," my son declares." I'm not eating anything but meat"" Meat! Meat !" my children chant. My neighbor Fred deserves some of the blame -it was he who showed up at my door with a wheelbarrow full of horse manure last spring." Guess who I've just been talking to ?" he trumpeted. I eyed the foul-smelling cargo." Our congressman ?" I speculated." The guy who manages the stables. We can have all the manure we want !" Fred cried ...

... A Trip to the Oral Surgeon My dentist, kindly Dr. Hannibal Lecter, lets me know that I'm due for an appointment by sending me a postcard with puppies on it. This strikes me as something akin to false advertising. Puppies are cute -in my whole life, I've never heard anyone describe a root canal as a" cute" experience. I do take care of my teeth. I floss everywhere I consider it appropriate, and I brush daily with my son's Godzilla toothpaste (" Now With More Sugar !", it says on the tube). So I am caught by complete surprise when my jaw suddenly explodes in oral agony one morning, as if the puppies on the postcard have spent the night chewing on my cheek bones. I call the dentist office, explaining this is an emergency of the worst kind -one involving me." Mr. Cameron ," kindly Dr. Lecter advises me when I get there," I've discovered the source ...

... ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off"" God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have"" Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church"" Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him"" But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His ...

... only way I'm going to be able to settle this matter is to go out there, knock politely on the window, and spray the two of them with the garden hose. I'm not garbed for such a diplomatic undertaking -I have on a pair of pajama bottoms and nothing else. What I need is some protection against the elements, something waterproof. With chains and hooks hanging from it. And grenades. Okay. I open the coat closet and discover where my son put all the junk last time he cleaned the living room. I could try my own bedroom closet, but I don't want to take the time. For my bare feet I find a pair of duck slippers -big, puffy clunkers with plastic duck heads on them. There are no umbrellas, but I do find a hat -one of those hunter caps with ear flaps that tie under the chin. This one is an incandescent orange so that fellow hunters won't think that maybe ...

... Little Old Ladies A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said," I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look so much like my late son" He answered," That's okay"" I know it's silly, but if you'd call out..." Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy" She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out," Goodbye, Mom" The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, He went to pay for his groceries." That comes to ...

... it went" His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says," Why don't you take your old mate Milton, and give it one more try"" That's no good" sighs Noddy," Milton's a hundred and three. He can't help" He doesn't even play golf anymore." He may be a hundred and three ", says Noddy's wife," but his eyesight is still perfect" Based on what his son told me. So, the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up the ball, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to Milton and says," Did you see the ball ?"" Of course I saw the ball ," Milton replied." I have perfect eyesight"" Where did it go ?" says Noddy." I don't remember !" [Author Unknown-from Ross via 'Buffalos Chips ' ( ...

... Signs You Are Living In The 21st Century You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom," What's for dinner ?" Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and 6 months later it ...

... device with a cord attached to it that my children probably wouldn ’ t recognize as a telephone. I had to look at it twice myself before I remembered what it was. We haven ’ t had a corded phone in our house since before the first season of American Idol (gasp !), a time roughly equivalent in my kids ’ minds to the Paleolithic Era. I really miss that old dinosaur phone with the coiled tail. Back in the day, as my son says, one of life ’ s little pleasures was being able to slam down a telephone on annoying callers. Now, with the rise of cordless phones, the best you can do is ferociously poke the Off button – or, if money is no object, throw the receiver into a wall. That is, of course, if you can find the receiver. The stupid, tailless things are always missing in action. Despite having three of them in our house, ...

... I Know I'm Smart My dad gave me one dollar bill 'Cause I'm his smartest son, And I swapped it for two shiny quarters 'Cause two is more than one! And then I took the quarters And traded them to Lou For three dimes -I guess he didn't know That three is more than two! Just then, along came old blind Bates And just 'cause he can't see He gave me four nickels for my three dimes, And four is more than three! And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs Down at the seed-feed store, And the fool gave me five pennies for them, And five is more than four! And I went and showed my dad, And he got red in the cheeks And closed his eyes and shook his head-Too proud of me to speak! [Author Unknown-Received from Timothy Anger, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Restaurant Order The waitress came over and recognized the family seated at the table-Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their little son, Jonathan. She asked," Jonathan, what would you like ?"" I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich" She said," Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches" He replied," You have a grill, don't you ?"" Yes ," the waitress responded. He said," You have cheese, don't you ?"" Yes ," she answered rather puzzled. The youngster said firmly," You have bread, don't you ?" She again replied," Yes"" Well, Then I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich ," the four year old stated firmly! The waitress thought for a moment and replied with a smile," Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will fix you a grilled cheese sandwich" She came back in a little while and said," ...

... in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly," Good morning Alex"" Good morning pastor ," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque." Pastor McGhee, what is this ?" Alex asked." Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service" Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Then, little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked:" Which service sir, the 9 o'clock or the 11 o'clock ?" [Source Unknown-from Michael] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Shot By A Turkey Larry Lands Sr. suffered a shotgun wound to one of his legs. The assailant was a dead turkey. Larry Sr. and his son, Larry Jr, had been out poaching in Washington County, Missouri, when Larry Jr. spotted an eastern wild turkey. After successfully calling the bird in to his range, Larry Jr. shot the bird. It was not yet the season for wild turkey hunts, so Larry Jr. had to hurry up and bag the bird as fast as he could, tossing the prize into the trunk of their car, along with his semi-automatic shotgun. After several minutes of sounds coming from the trunk of the car, the Lands duo stopped their car to investigate. (For those of you unaware of the neurological phenomenon of fowl, turkeys, much like chickens, have an pseudo-active nervous system which can last many minutes even after the body has died) Upon opening the trunk ...

... Yes, that's nice. but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive and I really don't like the rooms" Irritated, he answers," Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House" She responds," Well all right I guess I'll come" The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Sandra." So, Gilda, tell me what's new ?"" I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving !" Gilda replies." The doctor ?" asks Sandra. Gilda replies," No. the other one" [Author Unknown-LABLaughs] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...