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... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Hard Times for Humor In the field of funny, it is the best of times and it is the worst of times. It ’ s the best of times because demand for real, rib-tickling humor has never been higher. Everybody could use a good laugh ... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! Hard Times for Humor In the field of funny, it is the best of times and it is the worst of times. It ’ s the best of times because demand for real, rib-tickling humor has never been higher. Everybody could use a good laugh ... I have to do to deliver it. Future stories about my kids will still come relatively cheaply as my offspring provide plenty of material. Ditto for any humorous bits about my dog, who is grateful for the attention. If I have to do any reading or, heaven forbid, deep thinking in order to produce ...
... Flight Safety 12 Ways To Reduce Your Counseling Load Couples Golf Tournament Boot Camp Dogercise The 23rd Channel Company Policy Skiing Tips Exercising With Your Dog Rompin Rover Resolutions Funny Signs Alternative Retirement Home An Ode To Customer Service Singing Voices The Dangers Of Bread Biker And A Squirrel In The 21st Century Miracle Water Cajun Airlines Golf -The The ... SkyWriting.Net HUMOR Index U p d a t e d Mar 25, 2012 Submit Humor PHRASE (use quotes ):" Mother's Day" 10 20 50 Humor ALL Messages Poems Stories = Less than 15 days old, or Modified. CLICK on the SORT options below. Alphabetical Random Most Recent Hail -Britannia Your Mail Summertime ... Delayed Famous Last Words Perks Of Being Over 60 Years Old Twas The Month After Christmas Birds -Brains Lawsuit Party Animal Math -Little Johnny Bad Science Womens Anti-stress Diet Humorous Signs Bronze Rat Farmer Joe Short Term Memory Loss Camping -Part1 Facts Of Life Silicon Valley Slang Beauty Shop Dropout Laws To Know Californians Chocolate Is A Vegetable Man -Flu ...
3. Inspirational Humor - Alphabetical Index [Humor]
... About Health Care Fried Chicken From California If From Men To Women From The Cat About The Dog From The Dog About The Cat Fun Bible Info Fundmentalist Dog Funny Signs Funny T -Shirts Garden Of Eden Garden Wars Gender Of Items Gene Splicing -Reality Genealogy Quips Get Out Of Jury Duty Ghost Car Gift Wrapping Tips For Men Gift ... SkyWriting.Net HUMOR Index U p d a t e d Mar 25, 2012 Submit Humor PHRASE (use quotes ):" Mother's Day" 10 20 50 Humor ALL Messages Poems Stories = Less than 15 days old, or Modified. CLICK on the SORT options below. Alphabetical Random Most Recent 10 Signs Your Baptism Is ... On-going KIDS KORNER 21 On-going KIDS KORNER 22 On-going LBD Conspiracy The F Word A Bachelors Kitchen Guide A Change In Plans A Computer Christmas A Cowboys Prayer (Humorous Poem) A Cowboys Prayer A Cowgirl A Daily Survival Kit A Debt Free Holiday A Dieters Christmas A Dogs Letters To God A Dogs Life A Dummies Guide A ...
4. Inspirational Humor - Most Recent Index [Humor]
... Airlines Actual Library Queries Cambridge University Exam Golf Hell Heaven's Balcony Railing Parking Lot Rules Travel Agent Stories Childern As Pets Get Out Of Jury Duty The Housekeeper Short Funny Questions No Nursing Home For Me All I Need To Know Funny T -Shirts Up North Redneck Wheelchair User Makes You Wonder Billy Bass Lives On Electrical Pole Music Tests ... SkyWriting.Net HUMOR Index U p d a t e d Mar 25, 2012 Submit Humor PHRASE (use quotes ):" Mother's Day" 10 20 50 Humor ALL Messages Poems Stories = Less than 15 days old, or Modified. CLICK on the SORT options below. Alphabetical Random Most Recent Kids Understand Love Company Policy ... The Spell Chequer An Honest Golfer Military Helicopter Simulation Golf -Perfect Eyesight Pocket Taser Time For A Trade In Hypochondriac's Compendium Over The Hill When Light Bulbs -Zodiac Signs Humorous Signs New Office Slang Rabbit Fox Wolf Fable Rules For Dogs The Unused Credit Card Stress Management Employers Words Of Wisdom Resume Mistakes Negotiated Rules Of Golf Surgery Comments Mom's ...
... what I would call a monotone. Then he started in on Dave Barry, and he began giggling." Aha !" I cried." When you read the Dave Barry piece, you were laughing !"" That's because it was funny ," he protested." I couldn't help it"" But can you see what an impact it would have on the fish? They hear you laughing, and of course it makes them amused"" Are you crazy ?", he retorted ... his teacher found his effort" organized and very amusing !" Not sure that I had ever before seen an" amusing" science project, I flipped open the cover and focused on the title: Do Fish Have a Good Sense of Humor?. Well, this is certainly something that scientists have wondered about for years, so if my son had solved the riddle, I suppose it was time well spent. To test the theory, I read farther down, the tank ...
... . When I became an adult, it finally dawned on me that there is no great grown-up enigma that is magically made manifest when you reach a certain age. I stayed up late on New Year ’ s Eve, wearing a funny hat while drinking certain enervating beverages and humming along to Auld Lang Syne because I never could remember the words. But I didn ’ t really feel any different from the baffled kid I had been. The cattle-calling pot and the old lame ... lame signs and new beginnings. I might even turn the clocks ahead. Try not to make too much noise at midnight. I ’ ll already be asleep.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time ...
... of her day, which involves getting her bowl filled up with dog food. She starts with the stare-down. There I ’ ll be, at my computer, bleary-eyed and cranky from lack of sleep, hoping to write something profoundly funny. Ebony will place herself right in front of me and, and by never taking her eyes off me, attempt to subliminally communicate the fact that she ’ d like to be fed. Being bleary-eyed and cranky and knowing just who to ... my next life, I want to come back and live the life of Ebony. If I can just find an owner as stupid as the one she has.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time ...
... faces of my children. Mom in a minidress was an idea more monstrously frightening than they could fathom. So, still in need of a disguise, I pondered my predicament. My Halloween attire would have to be homemade, something funny and familiar, or perhaps soothing and sweet, or maybe even slightly scary. But not salacious. I could dress up as one of the most important items in our house – the remote control – with custom buttons designed to appeal to ... going to skip that step and stroll the streets as my" real" self. And my kids will probably think that ’ s the scariest costume of all.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time ...
... someone tells you that old joke about the sinking ship and the captain asking someone to do something religious and so the Baptist took up an offering, you say," So, what's the joke ?" You know at least a dozen funny things that happened during baptismal services. You complain about the pastor's long sermons, but you would feel cheated by one under 20 minutes. You have at times envied the Episcopalians because their adults don't have to go to Sunday School. You ... , as well as" fun" ways to tell if" you are a Baptist" or whatever group you are in. [by: Dr. Joe McKeever (joe @joemckeever.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! LBD Conspiracy It ’ s funny how one ’ s self-image tends to stay frozen in time. Your mind picks out a moment when you looked your best, sometimes a moment that occurred many moons (and many pounds) ago, and it goes through some kind of freezing process that crystallizes this warm memory into a mental ice cube tray where you can periodically pull it out of the figurative freezer of dreams and lick ... into the little black dress doldrums. But I won ’ t give them that satisfaction. I want my original size back. I ’ m calling my congressman.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time ...
... . “ Talk to the hand, Mom ,” I said in a highly mature, if slightly hysterical, tone, “ cause the ears ain ’ t listening ”~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time ... than delightful as a teenybopper. But I do remember vowing that I would never, ever repeat the fatigued phrases my mother seemed so fond of using when I was growing up. A few years ago, a friend gave me a humorous plaque that read: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all. I hung this highly amusing piece of absurdity in my bathroom and looked at it whenever I needed a good laugh. Definitely not going to happen ...
12. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Toasters. [Humor]
... Toasters" HumorPower" a few years ago announced a humor writing contest for its subscribers. The challenge was to write funny lines on the theme:*If_made toasters ?* Here are the Winners & Honerable Mentions: First Place Winner If financial planners made toasters, the bread would pop up and down but turn out just fine in 5? 10 years. (Nancy Lininiger) Second Place If Social Security made toasters, we would worry if there would be enough ... Toasters" HumorPower" a few years ago announced a humor writing contest for its subscribers. The challenge was to write funny lines on the theme:*If_made toasters ?* Here are the Winners & Honerable Mentions: First Place Winner If financial planners made toasters, the bread would pop up and down but turn out just fine in 5? 10 years. (Nancy Lininiger) Second Place If Social Security made toasters, we would worry if there would be enough ...
... whoopee-to see how well they knew each other? The honeymooners who gave matching answers to the most questions got to go home with something wonderful like a new Amana range or an apricot-colored lounge suite. But what made the show funny were the misfits, those arm-punching pairs who didn ’ t seem to know each other at all. They got sent home with only garden hoses and blenders, and the grooms likely found themselves spending a few nights on the couch. In ... should spend more time together. Or maybe we should just avoid playing party games. Unless we ’ re blindfolded and trying to locate a donkey ’ s backside.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time ...
... certainly didn ’ t choose to arrive home after our gluttonous voyage weighing about the same, in tonnage, as the boat we came in on. So we must have been on a mission from God. The human psyche is a funny thing. Despite having inhaled enough calories during the holidays to keep Paris Hilton alive into the next millennium, when presented with limitless amounts of food on board ship, we fell to eating as if we were famine victims. We ate and ... s sleeping on the couch, not only because I ’ m mad at him but because, for some reason, I need a larger portion of the bed.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time ...
... Strange and Funny Signs Pizza Shop Slogan:" 7 days without pizza makes one weak" On a Plumbers truck:" Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber" On a Septic Tank Truck sign:" We're #1 in the #2 business" Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:" Dr. Jones, at your cervix. At a Proctologist's door" To expedite your visit please back in" On a Plumbers truck:" We repair what your husband ... on in and get fed up. At a Propane Filling Station" Tank heaven for little 'grills" In the front yard of a Funeral Home:" Drive carefully. We'll wait" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Short Funny Questions How do you know if you are out of invisible ink? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Why is there no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburgers, and neither apple nor pine in pinapple? Why is a slim chance the same as a fat chance? Why are quite a few the same as quite a lot? Why does my alarm clock go off when it goes on? Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Why isn't ... they experience cocoons in their stomach? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpet? [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (www.laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... by human presence, there is a sign that says," Do not throw stones at this sign" (Perhaps the sign prefers empty beer bottles ?) [Author Unknown-from Ross via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Humorous Signs At a Santa Fe gas station:" We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container" (Have you ever seen" someone in a glass container ?") On the wall of a Baltimore estate:" Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, 'Sisters of Mercy" NO COMMENT! On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:" 38 years on the same spot" (Gee, by now you'd think they'da gotten that spot off ...
... Huh? My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke. To you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke. For when I'm" here" I'm wondering If I really should be" there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say" what am I here for ?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain; A zero, ... that ?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. [Author unknown (or forgotten)-from Mikey's Funnies (mikeys-funnies-owner @YouthSpecialties.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Funny T-Shirts" Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" (seen on bald man)" Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"" That's It! I'm Calling Grandma !"-( seen on an 8 year old)" Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"" My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse-He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse ... GLOW-Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team"" Filthy, Stinking, Rich. Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)]] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Funny Signs Anesthesiologist's business card: When you care enough to sleep with the very best. Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix. In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit please back in. On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed. On another Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your ... up. At a Propane Filling Station: Thank Heaven for little grills. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait. [Author Unknown-from Diane Dean White (Thelamb212 at aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Forget World Peace-Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal! Hang Up And Drive! Where There's A Will. I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Honk If Anything Falls Off He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest He Who Hesitates Is Not Only ... , But Is Miles From The Next Exit I Haven't Lost My Mind-It's Backed-Up On Disk Somewhere [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... unable to process your request for the following reason (s) indicated below: () the tooth could not be found () it was not a human tooth () we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny () we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour () the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash () the tooth did not originally belong to you (x) you were overheard to state that you do not ... exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future. Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead ' (support @keepAhead.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
23. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cooking. [Humor]
... gave a frightened gasp. What happened next I can't describe, But death threatened by my side. Let loose a wild lion in my den, But never, ever, will I cook again !!! [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Cooking. ...
24. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Auto Parts. [Humor]
... One guy said," I think you want an 'OIL ' cap" She said," Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one! I don't see what is so funny about it" Proverbs 3: 5 NIV" Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author Unknown-from 'LABlaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Auto Parts. ...
... pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-71 goes north and south. Pick one. So you have a $60, 000 car. We're ... may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day. A true BUCKEYE will send this on !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say," You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you" Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (daily-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Children As Pets-The Cat Years. ...
... it no more than 10 years" And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him," You are a monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years" And the monkey said," Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years" And it was ... empty the pantry; and then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it became so. [Unknown-From: Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a clock watcher. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3: 00 AM in the morning. 4: 30 AM is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply," LOL. LOL !" I will read the manual. just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than" password" I resolve. I resolve to. I ... to, uh. I resolve to, uh, get my, er. I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too! [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Change? Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, ... How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never*was*any light bulb, don't you remember? [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Walmart Application This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. they hired him because he was so honest and funny. NAME: George Martin SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate). DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ... now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE ?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Sagittarius [Author Unknown-from Lorraine, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle the road, and the back of the church. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect ... . We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as a committee. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Stress Management Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in many of the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in ... you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water. There-See?-It really does work. You're smiling already! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses. Today," a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO. In 1909, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table. Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's. In 1909, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then. Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and ... for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle. In 1909, fathers were never truly appreciated. In 2009, fathers are never truly appreciated. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a compass. Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a crime any day of the week! Golfer: This golf is a funny game. Caddy: It's not supposed to be. Judge: Do you understand the nature of an oath? Boy: Do I? I'm your caddie, remember! Golfer: That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far ... properly hit yet! Golfer: Caddiemaster, that boy isn't even eight years old. Caddiemaster: Better that way, sir. He probably can't count past ten. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Fried Chicken Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said," Fried chicken" She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much ... famous person we admire most. I told her," Colonel Sanders" Guess where I am now... [Author Unknown-Received from Chuck Welsh, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... other ?" the rejected applicant inquired." Simple ," said the Department manager," Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know ' You put down, 'Neither do I" [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (jokemaster @funnybone.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-The Engineering Test. ...
37. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Letter [Humor]
... I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a" sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met ... car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma [Author Unknown-Contributed by: Lisa] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... or a slow network connection. SNEAKERNET: When data is transferred between workstations by copying it to a floppy and walking it to the intended workstation instead of using the LAN (Local Area Network). [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (daily-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Silicon Valley Slang. ...
... 16 things I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Some days you're ... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE OR NOT, AND DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER. [Author Unknown-from Pastor H. Brown] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy. A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag. An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some" cough syrup" in their bag. A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny. An experienced nurse does. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Graduate Nurses vs Experienced Nurses. ...
... just bragging.-Rev. Eugene Bolton Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh. Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny." I don't question YOUR existence"-God [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Religious One Liners. ...
... perfectly all right. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life-form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is ... (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of one in three sentences that anyone says to him. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... know you're in Arizona when. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent. You notice your car overheating before you drive it. You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You see more irrigation water flowing down the street than there is in the Salt River. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink. You can say ... hotter than the air inside. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car. You can understand the reason for a town named" Why". [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Poetic Justice From San Antonio, Texas: This is too funny! This could only be true. you can't make stuff like this up. Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit -no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here ?" murmured Ellen." Come on, Ellen, let's just go" But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping ... the ambulance doors,. the Dillard's bag still perched on her stomach. God does take care of things. sometimes, in a very unique way! [Author Unknown-Harveythefrogprince, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... wart or mole, such as pulsating colors or bird whistles ?" (Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny bend in one of his legs)" Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his lips ?" (Yes !)" Do you think you are like everyone else ?" (Doesn't everybody ?)" Do you have trouble ... aggressively, you should be well on your way to recovery by the end of the week"-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1999, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
46. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- All I Need to Know about Life I learned from the Easter Bunny. [Humor]
... . To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey. [Author Unknown-from Merry-Hearts, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (www.gcfl.net / archive.php? funny = 1255)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-All I Need to Know about Life I learned from the Easter Bunny. ...
... cat that sits down on a hot stove. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again .and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (daily-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Advice From Mark Twain. ...
... Dearborn. Uncle Ted rules. No toll roads and proud of it. Who you calling a hick? Our biggest bridge makes yours look puny. Nearly went to war with Ohio once and will do it again if they pull any funny stuff. Land of snow machines and bass boats. #@?@* mosquitoes. We know a place where wooden shoes are always in style. Where lousy teams get new stadiums. Consider Amway. Speed limit back up to 70, so move it ... The Red Wings State. Three out of four seasons very pleasant. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Some days you're ... . they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... plate and a crying child at the same time. They were slightly damp, but still perfectly edible. (The rash of reported illness among parents the next day was a mere coincidence) My giant Jello monster at Halloween was more funny than frightening. By Thanksgiving, I was a confirmed bottom-feeder, instructed to bring turnips (turnips !) to the class Pilgrim feast. I tried to redeem myself at Christmas, but my cupcakes collapsed into a gooey mess. I managed to ... , Jackie Papandrew. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. Jackie's official website: http :// www.JackiePapandrew.com [by: Jackie Papandrew, Copyright 2005-from 'Mikey's Funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work. You've already calculated how much you make per second. You've tried to repair a $5 radio. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (daily-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-You Might Be An Engineer. ...
... My Forgetter My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke to you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke For when I'm" here" I'm wondering If I really should be" there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say" what am I here for ?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score ... that ?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE ??? [Author Unknown-from Stan Markwardt, via Pastor Harold Brown] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... wolf bones, and in the middle was a large, lip-licking lion. The moral of the story: The title of your dissertation doesn't matter. All that matters is who your thesis advisor is. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (funnybone-mail @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... " Rabbit, Fox, Wolf: A Fable" | HUMOR-Inspirational and Christian ...
... tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned-that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned-that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every ... to change friends if we understand that friends change. Addendum-John 15: 12 (NKJ)" This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you" [Author unknown-from Cheryl] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... .. a) For those with no children-this is totally hysterical! b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding ): ... who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. INDECISION: is the key to FLEXIBILITY. Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low, Reach your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funny Bone ' (daily-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-Office Posters We'd Like To See. ...
... " And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota," He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota" [Author Unknown-submitted by George Nobler, via Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ... Inspirational and Christian HUMOR-A Cowboy's Prayer (humorous poem ). ...
... Serious Humor I've known several morticians over the years. Without exception, they've each had a rich sense of humor. The ability to laugh is probably necessary in some professions, and those who work with corpses likely head the list. Otherwise, how could they stand the grief and pain felt by every family that walks through the door? I once heard of mortician who liked to sign all his correspondence:" Eventually yours" That gets right to the point. Humor is something I can get serious about. It is nothing less than an extravagant gift-to be frequently used and shared. It was the late evangelist Billy Graham who said that" a keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable" That's serious stuff. In the summertime, I like to ride my 150cc scooter instead of driving the car. I enjoy the breeze in my ...
... Things Learned at Bible School With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers. Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents. A fire extinguisher is a handy device. Helium tanks should be chained down tightly. Cheap glue adheres to skin. Kool Aid and song motions do not mix. Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think. Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor. Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped. Ushers do not have a sense of humor. There IS a doggie Heaven. Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier. Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose. Girls are superior to boys. There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation. Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting. [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net ...
... then dash naked and wet through the house in search of a clean towel. I will faithfully not look in any mirrors as I ’ m doing this, lest I regret eating all those donuts. I will faithfully doze off when I am supposed to be writing inspiring works of great literary merit. Then, when I wake up with drool running down my chin and realize I ’ m running out of time, I will faithfully (and frantically) throw together a humor column about something stupid like midyear resolutions. As you can see, it is easy to escape the tyranny of all those New Year ’ s resolutions that never give us a moment ’ s peace. You too, my friend, can live a productive and satisfying life by simply resolving to do what you ’ re already doing. Just make sure you have clean towels in the house first.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer ...
... appeared to be floating. The family was falling apart. That ’ s when Grandma stepped in. Brooking no dissent, she ordered everyone into their vehicles, and we headed for the nearest service station. Later, relief registering on our faces, we clutched hands and sheepishly apologized for our outbursts. We returned to the cabin, where the porcelain privy, having proven its importance, stood clear, the damp plunger by its side. Our hearts once again overflowed with humor and good cheer. This year for Thanksgiving, I think we'll just gather at the airport, home of high-powered toilets, and the call of nature will get a grateful reply.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he ...
... Christmas Humor What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle Who sings" Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?" Rude" olph What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet What reindeer has the cleanest antlers? Comet What is the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas What does Santa like to eat? A jolly roll Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO! If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws The ...
... Tax Tips-Humor Always put staples in the right hand corner. For that matter, go ahead and put them on the entire right side of the page. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how ...
... Valentine Humor What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card? A card that says," I love you drool-ly !" What did the painter say to her boyfriend?" I love you with all my art !" What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!" Do you love me more than you love sleep ?"" I can't answer now. It's time for my nap !" What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?" I've got a crutch on you !" Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love. What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts! What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny! What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?" Be my valenstein !" What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses! Why ...
... Church Humor Most people don't realize how much editing goes into a church bulliten or newsletter. Some announcements have to be completely rewritten because if they appeared the way they were submitted, it would lead to total confusion. Below are some examples: Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Martin to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet may come forward and do so. A 'Bean Supper ' will be held next Sunday evening. Special music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the topic will be 'What is Hell? ' Come early and listen to the choir practice. The United Methodist Women ...
... Wisconsin Humor You know your from Wisconsin if. Your best shirt has a big letter" G" on it. You know how to polka, but never tried it sober. You know what euchre and sheepshead are. You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the ceremony and the reception. You know that there is no ' r ' in Wausau. You know at least a half dozen Ole and Lena jokes. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike. Your bank has the name of your town included in its name. You were happy to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday. You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving. You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm. You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign. You ...
... Airline Humor You gotta love the Canadian sense of humour. West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture ' and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it! ' On another West Jet Flight with a very 'senior ' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants ' On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If ...
... with much grumbling, opened the crisp new undergarments and placed them in his newly organized dresser. They will probably be the same socks and underwear he takes to college in several years. Perhaps those great scientific minds working on the human genome will find a way to fix this strange scourge before it gets completely out of hand. In the meantime, all you Y-guys should definitely keep your shoes on.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in Austin has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect). [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt-hole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if. you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor ' (arizona_humor-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... The Wrong Number Few people are aware of this, but I could easily have been one of the world's great concert pianists, had I decided to ignore my passion for storytelling and writing humor and instead learned to play the piano. My fingers possess such a nimble dexterity that even as a child, my music teachers would gush that in me they had found one of those special students who, in their words," could type" I am sure that by deciding to adopt the qwerty keyboard instead of the sort mastered by the likes of Johannes Brahmas and Ludwig Rollover Beethoven, I have deprived the world of great musical masterpieces, which you would think the Pulitzer Committee would take into consideration once in a while, not that I'm interested in their stupid prize anyway. With such amazing capability literally at my fingertips, I am, as you would suspect, not only an extremely gifted typist, but also very adroit at using the telephone as ...
... to an acquaintance, I stopped in horror. There, at the end of a perfectly adequate sentence —" It was nice seeing you last week ” — I had actually typed not one, but two obsequious smiley faces. I could only shake my head in disgust. Even the word-weenies like me are gradually being worn down. Shakespeare must be rolling in his grave. :(~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied," You might as well take me to jail, 'cause there's no way I can pass that test" [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor ' (arizona_humor-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... make any sense, Mom ” Probably not. But that ’ s what I like about it. If any of the previously mentioned law enforcement officers are reading this and happen to see me out driving, I was just kidding about you being biased and unfair. I don ’ t at all mind filling up your city coffers. I just wish you ’ d keep the roads clear of cows.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the incessant squeaking caused by a tell-tale hamster. I set aside a shoe box to be used for a quick burial and began to look forward to the day the sun would set on our rat-like pet. Alas, though, the rodent lives on. And my daughter for some reason loves it. So I will bide my time and invest in some earplugs. But I'm saving that shoe box.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Mom Was Right Among my mother's many bits of sage advice was that if a guy didn't like kids and pets, don't bother with him because he probably possessed no patience or sense of humor. Another was to be careful of what you wish for. When my husband and I were first married many years ago, two of the first things on our priority list when we could finally afford to move into our own home (where pets and kids would definitely be allowed ), was of course, to get a puppy and have a baby. We bought a beautiful little Shelty that we named Rusty, and made plans to start our family. One of my favorite memories, of this era in our lives, was when my husband came home from work or an errand. The first thing he would do is drop everything, and greet Rusty by grabbing his little face, gently shaking his head back and forth, saying with a lot of ...
... Why Dogs Are Better Than Women (Humor-no disrespect to women intended.) Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't care if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs enjoy rough play. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit ...
... with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too" corporate ," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought," Hey, I like to swim .why not ?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like" deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head ," when I really mean" floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet" I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else ...
... , after a wild night of cavorting with our riotous rodent, they emerged frayed and chewed, half-naked and in serious need of rehab. At this point, I am so traumatized by the behavior of my traitorous towels that I ’ m thinking of excommunicating the whole lot. We could probably get along fine without them. I ’ m sure that my above-suspicion family wouldn ’ t mind at all.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
80. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Turkey Shot out of the Oven (Thanksgiving or Christmas). [Humor]
... the windows, it totally coated the floor, there was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before. It blanketed every appliance, It smeared every saucer and bowl, there wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control. I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped, that I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped. [By Jack Prelutsky-Source: Humor Digest, from 'WIT and WISDOM '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... tone of voice," why can't you just act normal ?" Normal is, of course, a relative term. In about 10 years, I will magically return to normalcy as my pubescent boy turns into an adult. At least I hope I do. In the meantime, I'm going to hang on to those severed apron strings. I may need them to strangle him.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... so pleased at this unexpected triumph over his nemesis that he invited my dad to come over that night for supper and there he introduced the young pig slayer to his 16-year-old daughter. The rest-as my dad always adds to universal groans-is hogstory. They were married a year later and will soon celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. They ’ ve been living high on the hog ever since.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of ?"" It must have been the shock, sir"" The shock"" Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir" [Author Unknown (LaVonne ?)-from 'Arizona Humor '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin-Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the," Not now, dear, I have a headache ," syndrome. Ragamet-When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... forward to get the carrot, it pulled the cart — and the boy — so the carrot always remained just out of reach as the cart moved forward. That ’ s a pretty accurate picture of me, my children and their chores. As you might guess, I ’ m the donkey, always chasing my TV-created ideal. Come to think of it, maybe I belong on a farm.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? NEWS FLASH:" Stressed" spelled backward is" desserts" So, to reverse being" stressed"... CHOCOLATE !!! [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth-Updated: 2011-Ed: anon.] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (" thirteen lawyers-a-suing "), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a highly trained cable guy can program. But before the cable guy could come, I suddenly remembered – after hearing someone (on TV, of course) use the phrase “ trivial pursuit ” – where I ’ d put those blasted pieces of plastic. I ’ ve promised to never again pull such a stunt. But I think I made my point. Or not.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
89. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- True Grit. [Humor]
... noshed on every blade of grass within reach. Our two-hour ride had stretched to three by the time we returned to the stables. The overworked wranglers were grumpy, but I was proud of both myself and my mother. Maybe we weren ’ t up to John Wayne ’ s standards. But we ’ d managed to stay astride our stubborn steeds. And that, Pilgrim, is true grit.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is required. Unfortunately, the rain didn ’ t stop. After a while, our supposedly waterproof tents began to leak. And with each drip of water, we got wetter and whinier. By the time darkness fell, we were ready to pack it in. We threw everything into the car and headed for a warm and dry motel. Our pioneer ancestors must be rolling in their graves.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
91. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Turbulence! [Humor]
... even in old age was apparently quite a firecracker himself. As we ended our ride and got out of the carriage, who should arrive for the next ride but the brash boy from the flight, still wearing his hat and waving the flag. Naturally, there was only one thing to say as we passed him. “ Turbulence !” Franklin would probably have loved that kid.~Jackie Papandrew~2009, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2009, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the guys (which only gets them in more trouble). Women never check to see if the toilet lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they" left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting or crying. This will get men arrested, or a ticket. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy, despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Also, men can never catch women checking out other men; but women will always catch men checking out other women. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at ...
... time-management urge had passed. Now, I ’ m happily back to being floating flotsam. I ’ ve also gotten over William and moved on to quoting yet another witty Brit – Simon Cowell. “ If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon ” I say to my crew with true Cowell attitude. At least he has a TV show.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... new ideas of youth"" Well ," said the elderly priest," I'm afraid you've gone to far with the drive-thru confessional"" But, Father ," protested the young priest," my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that !"" I know, son ," replied the elderly priest," but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot n ' Tell or Go To Hell ' is way to much for this church" [Author Unknown-from 'Thelly-Arizona Humor ' (arizona_humor-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... flight attendant to turn off her phone and put her bags under the seat in front of her, my sour travel companion reluctantly removed her stuff from my seat, and I squeezed into it. “ THEY ’ RE MAKING ME TURN OFF THE PHONE NOW ,” she shrieked into the device in a parting shot. “ I REALLY HATE FLYING !” You and me both, lady.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get going for the rest of the day" The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two," I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat" [Author Unknown-Received from HAND, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... d be safer if I was that little black puck on the ice below. Courageously, I hid behind my husband Somehow, though, I managed to survive the game. I even got my book back. My family has decided that I will no longer be allowed to accompany them to sporting events, and I am trying to appear upset about that. The crime was definitely worth the punishment.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to speak, but he pointed his finger at my nose And shaking his head, up the stairs to our bedroom he rose. He fell into bed, to the dog gave a whistle And the children all scattered, like the down of a thistle. But I heard them exclaim as they dove out of sight, “ Poor Dad! He ’ s not going to have a good night"~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... The perfect pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years experience. Above all, he is handsome. The perfect pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed. The perfect pastor always has time for church council and all of its committees. He never misses the meeting of any church organization and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched. The perfect pastor is always in the next church over! If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired ...
... twin Cessna"" You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head"" Put your compass on 'E ' and get out of my airspace"" Don't anybody maintain anything ?"" Climb like your life depends on it. because it does"" Hello Flight 56, if you hear me, rock your wings"" OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME, ROCK THE TOWER !" [Author Unknown-Received from Teddi's Humor, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Whichever it is, we probably should not be allowing our children to play with her. The good news is that somebody is finally attempting to stop the insanity. Amazon.com has promised to begin replacing its clamshells with “ frustration-free ” packaging. Maybe by next year, Christmas morning will be a little more peaceful and a lot safer. And the clams can take back their shells.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... achieved a momentum of its own, spreading like a virulent virus to other parts of the house. In the book There ’ s a Nightmare in My Closet, a young boy confronts the monster in his closet and ends up making friends with it. I think he had the right idea and maybe I ’ ll do the same. That should help keep away nosy neighbors.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... feed themselves. “ Mom !” they will wail from the living room, where they have actually become part of the furniture and now require dusting. “ We ’ re hungry! Can you bring us food ?” Fortunately, all this annoying inertia is about to end. They are, indeed, going back to school. And next summer, so help me, they ’ re going to camp.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
104. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The F Word. [Humor]
... table. My husband gives me one of his looks and asks, “ Are we having fun yet ?” Although this bit of bonding was a fairly painful experience, I remain undeterred and will use the F word again next Sunday. One way or another, we ’ re going to enjoy our Family Time. But I ’ ll probably end up looking forward to the start of another football season.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... if my husband turns stubborn and stays in the shower, means that my hair will fail to achieve the desired fullness, and I will be cruelly condemned to a Bad Hair Day. A Bad Hair Day wipes out all of my hard work and leaves me grouchy as a grizzly. I ’ m a high-maintenance mamma bear who needs her own bathroom. Maybe someday, I ’ ll get it.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of work you do. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you." Sorry, I only sent" email cards" this year, you just didn't make the cut" You think a" half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person. [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Home Remedies-Misc Info WARNING: the following are for humor only! If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will ...
... went shopping again, hoping to find some Goldilocks jeans – a pair with a waistband that was not too high and not too low, but just right. And, miraculously, I did. In fact, a sales clerk at the store told me low risers are on their way out of style. I say good riddance. Plumber's pants should only be worn by plumbers.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
109. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Llama Drama. [Humor]
... to bear the burdens of camping city slickers. It ’ s even worse to have all these humans believe any live llama would parade around without its fur. But it must be intolerable to have anyone think a sane, self-respecting llama would ever run for President. There ’ s only one thing to say about that: “ SNORRRBAH !” And we all know what that means.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... beer in pubs with names that start with Ye. This explains their legendary jolliness and also explains why they haven ’ t gotten around to correcting their driving or spelling systems. But maybe we just need to give them some more time. Rome, after all, wasn ’ t built in a day. And Britannia may yet rule the waves. If she could only give up the Black Pudding.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... end, the Buccaneers did indeed beat the Packers. The Bucs fans happily went home singing yo-ho songs, and even the cheese heads didn ’ t seem too upset. Maybe that ’ s because cheese does for them what chocolate does for me – makes everything better. I was amazed to realize that I had a great time. I didn ’ t even miss my book.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the house. The only cookies she has made are the ones with her mouse. Grandma has been busy, scanning pictures for her web page. And we just can't help but wonder, should we open up her gifts or let 'em age. I've warned all my friends and neighbors, watch out before you buy. You could lose your grandma to the computer, just like grandpa and I. [by K. Foley & L. Miller 2000-from 'Arizona Humor '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
113. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Gravy Train. [Humor]
... my own character. I am not going to be grumpy about my gravy. I ’ m going to be thankful for all the things I take for granted. I ’ m going to remember that my life, even when lumpy, is pretty darn sweet. In fact, most of the time, I am definitely on the gravy train. I hope you are, too. Happy Thanksgiving.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008 (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a game ' Bear Bryant / Alabama 'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line ' Matty Bell / SMU 'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died ' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame 'I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms-Truman's and Eisenhower's ' Alex Karras / Iowa 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor ' Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee 'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades ' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 'Always remember. Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David ' Shug Jordan / Auburn 'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces ' Darrell Royal / Texas 'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure ' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 'They whipped us like a tied up goat ' Spike Dykes / ...
... disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweater. Your cat helps you plan your trip south. -50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... we got ice cream! Milking the brown cows gives us got chocolate ice cream! We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up. When I turned on the shower, I got hail." Blanket suffocation" is now the number one cause of fatalities. Kids had to stay in school all week. parents are now organizing a" teacher appreciation day" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... self esteem is bruised. Number 3's a lawyer and she took 9's case for gratis. 8 and 6 agree with 9 and want class action status. 10 approached me yesterday .could she live on her own? She's found a job but needs a car .would I co-sign a loan? I've been told that number 1 revealed in therapy that she has several egos too, and one of them is me. Number 5 just cracks me up. I love her sense of humor. 3 tells me that 5 is gay, but 8 says that's just rumor. The strangest one is number 2. I think her brain is fried. She's always playing with her guns and speaks of homicide. I've talked about each one of them with my psychiatrist. They won't come to his office so he thinks they don't exist. He says that I'm just paranoid and schizophrenic too. But they all think that he's a quack who doesn't have a clue. So ...
118. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- It’s 3 AM. [Humor]
... ’ ve decided the solution is to return to the good old days, when the only phones were those black, 10-pound behemoths with the industrial cables connecting the receiver to the base. The kind of phone you would never find in someone ’ s sock drawer. The kind of phone that can handle an apocalyptic, late-night call in the White House, no matter who will be answering that call.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
119. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- It's Over. [Humor]
... into the store, though, to look over the selection of nose hair trimmers. I also picked up an anticipatory package of Depends. I want to be prepared for the inevitable. Even so, the next time my husband announces that it ’ s over, I ’ m going to quote another great poet. It ain ’ t over ’ til it ’ s over.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , now that I think of it, bears a passing resemblance to that Star Trek entity) sitting atop us all, squashing out the stuff that makes us human until we surrender and are assimilated into the information superhighway. Or maybe it ’ s Al Gore sitting up there, since he invented the Internet. Either way, I ’ m pretty sure that resistance is futile. We are Borg.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... son survived the birthday and came out undeservedly smelling like that proverbial rose. The next day, I found him lying on his bed, gazing up at the ceiling with a self-satisfied smile on his face. A smile that collapsed like a house of cards when I brought him crashing back to earth. “ Better save your money, kiddo ,” I said. “ Christmas is right around the corner ”~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008 (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... fragrant splotch of roadkill. Then I will be forced to wrench her arm out of its socket and twist her knees ‘ til they tremble as I lunge against my leash in my attempt to investigate. This would not be necessary if my hominid was in better shape and could run with me. Maybe that should be one of her New Year ’ s resolutions. I ’ ll let her know.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . My son, unconcerned about bowwow bacteria, offered to eat the polluted piece, but I pitched it and banished Ebony to the back yard before slicing another helping of lamb. Eb strolled out the door looking quite pleased with herself, and I can ’ t say that I blame her. Whether it ’ s lions or lambs, it ’ s pretty obvious who rules the roost around here.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... : Power = Work / Time. Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. It all makes sense now, Right ?! [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... And it ’ s only going to get worse. The holidays will be hamstrung by this crazy sport. When our extended family gathers to give thanks, three generations of football fanatics will genuflect before the gridiron god. It ’ s enough to make me want to throw up. Or punch a hole in the wall. Or maybe I ’ ll grab some of my rowdy friends and go shopping.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " And wouldn't you agree that a parking lot is a perfect place for LOAFERS ?" I snap, deftly demolishing his argument. We move on, trekking maybe fifty or six hundred miles into the woods, going places not seen since the time of Jerry Lewis and Dick Clark. Predatory trees, man-eaters, are reaching out and slashing at my arms, and when I finally make the manly suggestion that we break and have a beer, Johnson reveals his sick sense of humor and pretends we didn't bring any. Like you can have a" guy's weekend" without beer. Finally, he stops. With a sigh, I set down my pack and go over to help him set up the tent. It smells like the sheets from an elephant's bed. The struts are made of battered aluminum; the fabric is made of mildew. Once it is erect, I peer inside and realize the only way we're all going to fit is if I ...
127. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Perfect Couple. [Humor]
... and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep'a scrollin. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either. [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor ' (arizona_humor-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... duddy. She's right. And what amuses me is that I'm OK with that. The other day, I stood in the garage and stared at the still-beautiful little bench, symbol now of a line crossed in the inevitable journey out of childhood, a journey that seems to have passed in the blink of an eye. What I wouldn't give to attend one more tea party.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... things change, the more they stay the same. That ’ s when we ’ d likely toss President Change out on his (and her) ear, and as the winds of change blew right by us, we ’ d adopt a new theme song-that golden oldie by Billy Joel called Just The Way You Are. Because, alas, that ’ s just the way we are.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , crestfallen that they didn ’ t seem to recall those happy days. “ You used to love it ” My daughter tossed her head in disgust, the way only a teenage girl can. “ There is absolutely no way ,” she said, “ that I ever liked a song as stupid as that ” Saucy kid. I may have to go sneeze in her spaghetti.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... wiener was returned to terra firma. The kids and I burst out laughing at the whole silly spectacle until I caught sight of the sweating, furious face of the poor Dragon Lady. I apologized profusely and inquired after the welfare of both the woman and the wiener. She didn ’ t give me an answer, just stalked silently away. They haven ’ t walked by our house since then.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... or throttle her. This year, in the spirit of the season, I ’ ve decided to treasure both of our gift grinches just as they are. I ’ m making it easy on myself by giving my mom-in – law some cold, hard cash. And if she returns that, well, I ’ ll use it to buy something for myself – maybe a complete set of coasters.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... by the other men on a job well done and thanked for all his hard work. Later, after I ’ ve washed the dishes, he asks me how I enjoyed my “ night off ” “ Oh, I enjoyed it very much, General ,” I mutter sarcastically. “ Huh ?” “ Never mind ,” I say. “ Maybe you should go clean the grill ”~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Kenny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Kenny ?" Kenny replies," Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week" [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... hiding explosives. George W. signed this into law as an emergency executive decree. During a patriotic speech he defends this decision, claiming" the evil doers are just looking for any opportunity to show up at your dinner table" This Thanksgiving take a real good look at your relatives. and report any suspicious behavior to the CIA, FBI or your local police. who cares if it's grandma. it's your duty as an American. Editor: This page is only humor folks... enjoy, and have a very Happy Thanksgiving. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... my hair to look the way it does when my stylist does it. The only solution is to get a divorce and spend every penny of my alimony to keep a hair dresser at my beck and call. I ’ m kidding, of course. Really, dear, I ’ m just kidding. I should have been born a HIM. Thanks a lot, Mom.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the gene pool and – our family ties strengthened-we say our goodbyes. Soon, the reunions will become part of our Remember Whens. Before we know it, the teens will be the middle-agers, and I ’ ll be one of the old fogies. Hopefully, I won ’ t talk about hemorrhoids. But, given my family history, I ’ m probably doomed to repeat it.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
138. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Fear of Flying. [Humor]
... leaked all over the other contents of my suitcase. Although the plane problems of the amazing Amelia Earhart were far more serious, in the end, than mine have been, she probably had a lot more fun when she was flying. I ’ ve decided that, for the time being anyway, I ’ m going to stick to driving. And I won ’ t be using any porta-potties.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... them" Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called" SIZE 2 ," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words" SIZE 2" I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing. [by: Dave Barry-from 'Gentle Humor, ' via 'Wit and Wisdom '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ’ s Day will be an indication of how the rest of their relationship will play out for eternity. That's a lot of pressure we're putting on our men, ladies. I suggest that we cut them some slack and allow them to come out of their canine quarters. We really can't expect them to be able to read our minds. Not even the brilliant Dr. Freud could do that.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
141. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Summertime. [Humor]
... a dollar. (Hmm .someone should write a song with those lines in it, too) There ’ s plenty of time in the fall to focus once again on our faults, assuming we have any. For now, let ’ s have a great summer of ’ 08. I won ’ t tell the Russians or Mr. Gore, if you won ’ t.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
142. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Got Flax? [Humor]
... and went to the restroom, where I gazed into the mirror. There, above my business-type mouth, lay a thick, blueberry-colored, flaxseed-speckled mustache. I looked like one of those celebrities in the Got Milk? ads, except that I looked like a complete idiot. I wiped off my mustache and went back, red-faced, to my meeting. Then I went in search of some donuts.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... They get great amusement out of spying on the pair, peering through the door and making loud smooching noises. This sends my son into a rage. “ Mom !!” he ’ ll scream. “ Do something !” Reluctantly, I will shoo the girls away, secretly applauding their disruption of the duo. “ Yuck, they are just so vomitocious ,” says my word-wise daughter. My thoughts exactly.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Climbing up into the tree, he gently coaxed each girl down to safety. I doubt Samuel L. Jackson, battling all those hissing serpents on the plane, was any more heroic. But I ’ ll bet the snakes were quieter than our teens in the tree. I expect any day now to hear from the vigilant folks on our neighborhood association board. They were probably not amused.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... would talk sense into me when I ’ m about to try on a bathing suit. I could take a picture of the suit with my phone, and then my app would give me an honest assessment, which would usually sound something like this: “ Honey, Get Real ” I ’ d call that my Girlfriend App. There should definitely be an app for that.~Jackie Papandrew~Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2010, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... someone else is hurtling down the highway right now with a minivan full of my memories. (They've probably got the windows open) Whoever you are, I want those memories-and that cruddy old minivan-back. In exchange, you can have Nancy and the stylish SUV that encases her. You ’ ll always know where you ’ re going. I want to remember where I've been.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... say what a great time they ’ d had. On the way home, my son mentioned that he ’ d enjoyed “ dancing ” much more than he expected. I tried to hide my smile. The great Maya Angelou once said that everything in the universe has rhythm and everything dances. Well, maybe almost everything. Ms. Angelou may not have ever been to a middle school dance.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
148. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Email Ennui. [Humor]
... . Just apologize profusely to all your email creditors, Lessig suggested, sounding sufficiently shamed and promising to do better in the future. Then simply wipe away all that excess email and start afresh. I think I ’ m going to try that. Too bad it won ’ t work on real-world dollar debt. And it probably won ’ t work on my mother. My ear is already stinging.~Jackie Papandrew 2008~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
149. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The B and B. [Humor]
... to our stuffy little room and stared at each other across the lumpy bed. After a while, I was too uncomfortable to keep my back up any longer. Finally, I broke down and suggested that we leave. We quickly packed our things and headed for a hotel, where we drank champagne and toasted our marriage in an ice-cold room on a king-size bed. ESPN never sounded so good.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from" Thanks" A woman will say," Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the" Loud Sigh" Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the" Loud Sigh ," as she will only tell you" Nothing" [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor ' (thelly @cox.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
151. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Busy, Busy. [Humor]
... and it must be a difficult rank to achieve. Constant complaining or channel surfing – regular activities in my household – would not count. I anticipate years of lobbying and litigation over this issue from the lazy. But I honestly believe it would be worth it. Those of us who exemplify the best of busyness must be set aside from those who give it a bad name.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
153. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- AARP Forum. [Humor]
... memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 60+year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+year olds when they enter antique stores? A: 'Darn, I remember these !" SMILE-You've still got your sense of humor, right? [Author Unknown-from Randy via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... person see me looking like Phyllis Diller on acid. My handsome neighbor is probably still trying to recover from what he saw that day. I haven ’ t been able to look him in the eye since then. And I ’ m considering going natural, forsaking my quest to be comely and giving Pig Pen a run for his money. Or maybe I ’ ll just find a new hairdresser.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... It was clear to me the backpack had become a black hole – things went into it, but nothing had ever come out of it. Next year when school ’ s out, I think I ’ ll just burn the bag without ever looking inside. Or maybe I ’ ll offer it to Disneyland as an attraction. It ’ s scarier than a pit of snakes.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
156. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Man's Job. [Humor]
... gentleman, who valiantly disposed of the critter. If my granddad was here, he would have performed the man-job. But Grandpa was also a firm believer that some work belongs only to women. And that seems like a betrayal of my feminist philosophy. I guess the truth is I want to have my cake and eat it, too. As long as Ebony doesn ’ t get there first.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read:" Do not take with broccoli" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration Humor Messages Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
158. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Aunt Bea. [Humor]
... “ I came specifically from Florida for them !” she told everyone in the room. Then she added the kicker. “ And I ’ m in menopause !” The clerk looked bewildered, but the rest of us – all female – gently guided our suffering sister out the door, giving her an understanding pat on the arm. The real Aunt Bea would have done no less.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... suggest he bring a magazine to read to pass the time, he lugs an entire year's worth of back issues. The saleswoman at the cosmetics counter has complained that your man is a little to fond of" smelling" the nail polish testers. He starts shoplifting in an attempt to" spice things up" You hand him a pair of khakis you think might look good on him, and he absentmindedly fashions then into a noose. [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor ' Bill Austin (baustin @worldnet.att.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... and dragging one foot that felt like it should already be in the grave. Then I called my friend, the one who is still trying to locate her thighs down past her knees. We consoled each other, both of us finally understanding the old axiom about youth being wasted on the young. We agreed that we should learn how to age gracefully. Yeah, right.~Jackie Papandrew~2008, All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2008, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets. [WARNING: Australian snakes are*NOT*harmless]. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. [Author Unknown-from 'Arizona Humor '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... me look frighteningly like Hyacinth the Hippo. I wrapped myself in a striped sarong that was definitely not right. In the end, I left empty-handed, dubbing my quest a dismal failure. Now, I ’ m considering spending the summer in a burlap sack. First though, I ’ m going to pay another visit to that vixenish virtual me. Maybe I ’ ll feed her some Haagen-Dazs.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
163. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Boot Camp. [Humor]
... , refusing to soldier on. I barely survived Cycle Two before my arms and legs went AWOL, quivering like mutinous mounds of Jell-O. Cath and her sneering e threatened a court martial. That ’ s when I decided to dig up that old burn-feeling video and return to Sweet Lady Jane. Even her buttocks tucks would be better than Boot Camp. If I could just find some leg warmers.~Jackie Papandrew 2007~Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2007, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving son, Zeb P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.-Z. [Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed. By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled. Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe. Love, Your Mom [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... day. Remember, the first step to recovery is an admission that you have an Internet addiction problem. Rest assured, Internet-aholics are treated with the same professionalism and confidentiality afforded any other CRAZY person. Call us today! And don't be ashamed to ask a friend to help you power-off your PC, so you can use the telephone line to call for help. [Author Unknown-from 'Scream Group ' (scream_of_the_crop @yahoogroups.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... socialism is the equal sharing of misery.-Winston Churchill There is no distinctly native American criminal class. save Congress.-Mark Twain The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.-Herbert Spencer The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.-Mark Twain [Author Unknown-from Luci, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard (and smart) so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren! [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
169. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Rocky Monday. [Humor]
... the dumpster throws it back. Back at your office, you discover that you don't have your security card. You knock on the door, but the guard refuses to acknowledge your presence. After half an hour, you give up and get in your car to go home. Only four more days of this until the weekend!-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2004, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... loyal to my employer at all costs .Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil"" Qualifications: No education or experience"" Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets"" Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department"" Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head !" Cover letter:" Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
171. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Retired. [Humor]
... with the restrooms, We just can't remember where they're at. We don't need to plan next week, Just make sure we can drive. And not forget where the hospitals and clinics are. We'll need them to survive. So, don't build your castles too high, my friend, While strolling through the clover. This is a typical week in retirement And on Monday we start all over! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
172. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Resumania. [Humor]
... So you're willing to travel ?)" Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco" (Definitely to the point)" I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live" (And they say loyalty is hard to come by)" Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job" (We're glad you're not bitter) [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... will say," Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the" Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the" Loud Sigh ", as she will only tell you" Nothing" I hope this information will help you avoid future misunderstandings. [Author Unknown-Christine, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... you we don't serve milkshakes" She was obviously ready for him this time and quickly continued," Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But we don't have the syrup" Almost before she finished her carefully crafted response the precocious 4-year old pipped in," You have a car, don't you ?" [Author Unknown-Received from Ed, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of that five years ago !"" Ha !" snorts the man." If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $7.15 an hour" Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I got it this story by e-mail, too. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ." I've found my ball !" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly," After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks ?"" What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here !"" And a liar, too !" Sid says with amazement." I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes !" [Author unknown-'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
177. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Wise Sayings. [Humor]
... also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
178. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Wise Old Man. [Humor]
... yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay? A lousy quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, man. We quit! And the wise old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... And remember........ Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Diet Coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming" WOO HOO what a ride !" [Author Unknown-" Tina Gunther" (tgsmiles @hotmail.com ), via (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... as you say," Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven't had the heart to clean it" Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh," I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere" [Author Unknown-from 'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... sometimes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do, because we care." Venting" is what your girlfriends are for. [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Half Dome? Denali National Park: What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Yellowstone National Park: Does Old Faithful erupt at night? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word" benign "? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head. Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... because they'd been turned down by every other house, and then we'd take them upstairs and show them how to shoot bottle rockets. I was reminded of this whole ritual the other day because I received a nice letter from the rush chairman of my fraternity. Apparently they need money to replace the upstairs carpeting.~Bruce Cameron~Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2010 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
185. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Rules For Kids. [Humor]
... under the impression that living fast, dying young, & leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately. Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, & life's depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never-quite-catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... got lots of disk space on that email server. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... as the first baseman and Schultz began throwing the ball back and forth. Finally, the runner made his break back to his last base, which happened to be home. Schultz tagged him and the umpire bellowed," You're out !" Schultz had only one question. he turned to the umpire and inquired innocently," What would you have done if he had been safe ?" [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
189. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Quick Cure. [Humor]
... he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:" What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant ?!?!" The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said," Does she still have the hiccups ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving! The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then... it's you! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master. Then -BOOM-the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this" I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH, AND IT'S GONE. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD" EXERCISE ," I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... studied diligently for the next week, making the most of their time. The day of the make-up test came, and they were ready for anything. Each senior was placed alone in a separate classroom for the test. There were only two questions on the test. The first question, worth 5 points, was easy. The second question was worth 95 points, and it simply read," Which tire was flat ?" [Author unknown-'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
194. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Real Teachers. [Humor]
... for the size and elasticity of their bladders. Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals. Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that. Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house. Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... It was 'Momma Bear ' who set the table"" It was 'Momma Bear ' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish"" And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear ' with your presence, .listen good ,'cause I'm only going to say this one time." I haven't made the darn Porridge, yet !!!" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... home to visit you do his laundry. QUESTION: I don't get what all the fuss is about: I feel like I have enough money to send my child to college. ANSWER: It's an honor to get a question from Bill Gates. For everybody else, I hope this edition of Bruce the Answer Man has been helpful!~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2007 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the general," you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers; this is the 21st century !"" Well ," the young man says," you hired my brother !"" Of course we did ," says the general," he's a pilot !" The young man rolls his eyes and says," So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it !" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '-Ed: anon] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said," Could I get you your check ?" and we answered," How about the menu first ?" When your mother asks," Do you want a piece of advice ?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. [Erma Bombeck-from andychaps_the-funnies] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead ' (IwantTwisted @keepAhead.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
200. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Word Power. [Humor]
... without funding. Hemaglobe (n) The bloody state of the world. Intaxication (n) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Kinstirpation (n) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit. Lullabuoy (n) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said," That would be better for me" (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)" We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees" (Switching supervisor, AT & T Long Lines Division) [Author Unknown-Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... my office. I'm lonesome. Give us the benefit of your present thinking-We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do. We will advise you in due course-If we figure it out, we'll let you know. To give someone the picture-A long confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer. [Author Unknown-from 'Thomas S. Ellsworth ' (tellswor @slonet.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
203. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Really Bad Day. [Humor]
... take any chances now, we just want this guy to get home before he does some real damage. The guy starts his car again, leaves the wash and drives away. Does the story end here. NO !!!!! He stops at the nearest gas station, fills the car and drives away with the nozzle still in the tank tearing the pump from its base. Talk about your bad days !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... out of breath. Darn .I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... with his shoes tied in a palomar knot. You think there are four seasons -Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting. Your $30, 000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just" borrow" the ones off your house. You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage. Your kids know it's Saturday -Because the boat's gone. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
206. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Redneck Church. [Humor]
... You Know You're in a Redneck Church if. the communion wine is Boone's Farm" Tickled Pink". You Know You're in a Redneck Church if." Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin ' dogs, too. You know You're in a Redneck Church if. the final words of the benediction are," Y'all come back now, Ya hear" [Author Unknown-from Laura, via 'Scream of the Crop ' (scream_of_the_crop @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
207. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Aphorisms. [Humor]
... Salvador Dali What a distressing lack contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.-Sigmund Freud I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.-Hunter S. Thompson Sacred cows make the best hamburger.-Mark Twain" Time's fun when you're having flies"-Kermit the Frog [Author Unknown -from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to do ?" But instead of running, the dog sits down on the ground, his back to the attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits for them to get close enough to hear him." Where's that rascal monkey !" exclaims the dog, loudly," Never can trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back !" [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? *** Lettuce. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter" S" *** Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. [Author Unknown-from Lorraine, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... lies down." Roll over ," says the husband. The dog obediently rolls over. Very pleased with the dogs performance, he then says to the dog:" Heel" Immediately, the dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the husband's forehead and then bows his head in prayer." Oh look !" the wife exclaims." He's Pentecostal !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... better write it down" With irritation in his voice, he said," I don't need to write that down! I can remember that" He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:" I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my TOAST !" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ." So are you going to live with us then ?" one of them asked." I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't" The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised." Why? We thought you liked it here"" I do ," our friend replied." But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... kisses in the bag 1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping DINNER 4 bottles of pop 2 loaves garlic bread 1 family size supreme pizza 3 snickers bars LATE NIGHT SNACK 1 whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS" DESSERTS" Send this to all the women you know or ever knew, and you will immediately lose 10 pounds. [Author unknown-from Anne Clouse, via Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... even for a second, trying to outrun a highway patrol cruiser while in your chair. Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan. You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you thought it might help pick up chicks. You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point," now that's a good idea !" [by: Mark Adkins & Robert Fox-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... her Could-a hurt just a might" But Maw was OK, And the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new. And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick, But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick! Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you! [Author Unknown-from 'The Daily Dilly ' (dailydilly @dailydilly.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... impressive ," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth." Diamonds are forever ," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds. IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR !! Luv, from yor romeo [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
217. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Sailing Terms. [Humor]
... -A sailboat with beer and / or wine in the cabin. Tack-A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad. Yawl-A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin Zephyr-Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts. [Author Unknown-WestPac, from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
218. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Quotables. [Humor]
... forget." Dear Lord ," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face." Without you, we are but dust" He would have continued, but at that moment my little girl (who was listening !) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice," Mom, what is butt dust ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... It's up there on the ridge" He pointed the men in the direction of his home. They looked up and saw three buildings. They inquired about the building next to the man's house and he replied," That's my church-I go there to worship on Sundays" When asked about the third building, the man replied," Oh, that's where I used to go to church" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... took off his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the ground. but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats! Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the ground, gave him a slap and said," You think only you have a grandfather ?!" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake, Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks? I love being a woman (call me crazy) but" Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi more spiteful !!! And they say women are the" weaker sex" HA! [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better-the track ball or the track*pad*. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) You're using a computer to read this list. Even worse; you're going to email this list to someone else. [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " Your" primary care physician" is wearing pants you gave to Goodwill last month." Patient responsible for 200 %of out-of-network charges" is not a misprint. The only expense covered 100 %is embalming. Your pills come in different colors with" M" on them. And the number one sign you've joined a cheap HMO. Your prescription for anti-depressant medication: A coupon for a double espresso at Starbucks. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... said," I don't see any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? Where is the student guide? Will there be any follow-up assignments? How will this affect the bell curve ?" And Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said," Did we do anything important yesterday ?" And Jesus wept. [Author Unknown-Rose, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
226. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Why Thoughts. [Humor]
... there ," how could they both be having troubles? Did Noah keep his bees in archives? If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere. which way does it spin at the equator? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children. It's finally your turn on the computer and" Touched by an Angel" is just coming on. You go to sleep with" I'm bored" or" I'm hungry" still ringing in your ears. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
228. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Signs. [Humor]
... hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself," I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers" So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW-NUDIST COLONY. [Author Unknown-Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... that so you'd better write it down" With irritation in his voice, he said," I don't need to write that down! I can remember that" He then went fuming into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said," You forgot my toast" [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead ' (IwantTwisted @keepAhead.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. (THERE IS A LOT OF TRUTH TO THAT !) [Author Unknown-Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... portion of physical harassment from the backseat" shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory. Pre" shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse than what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress. A" shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a" shotgun" call from anybody else. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the trunk of the car, at which point the turkey slipped onto the shotgun's trigger, discharging a round through the body of the car, and lodging itself into the leg of Mr. Lands Sr. [Publisher's Note: The moral of the story? Always unload or fully discharge your shotgun after use, leave the safety on, and for heaven's sake, beware of the dying bird!] [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey ," I announced to the technician," It's open !"" I know ," answered the young man." I already got that side" [Author Unknown-from Dave (daves-daily @topica.com ), via Bill's-Punch-Line] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
234. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Why Women Lie. [Humor]
... I had said 'no ' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no ' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes, ' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm a poor woman and can not take care of three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
235. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Singing Voices. [Humor]
... the sopranos, because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read music. You can sometimes find part time work singing tenor. Altos get all the great intervals. When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words. When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt. [Author Unknown-Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness"" That Witch Doctor of Love I consulted was a fraud"" What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads ?"" I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck"" I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation"" Why aren't you thin ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... talk back and forth with him" The woman's voice rises in anticipation as she asks," You mean, I could communicate directly with my dear departed Hubert ?"" Not only that ," says the ventriloquist, getting just as excited as the woman," for two hundred dollars, you can actually carry on a two-way conversation with your husband while I'm drinking a glass of water !" [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
239. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Smart Dog. [Humor]
... . The butcher runs up and stops the guy." What on earth are you doing? This dog is a genius, says the butcher. The dog is smart enough to be on TV, for goodness sake !" To which the guy responds," smart, my foot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key !" [Author Unknown-from" Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List" (posts @cybersaltlists.org)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and doo doos all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks," What's going on ?" The handler nervously replies," He just found a bomb "! [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years." We trust in time you will learn to fully appreciate and enjoy this product! [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move). I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. I run things at my house! (e.g, the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc) [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer" The preacher smiled." Well, that's not so bad. 50 years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money ?" His wife quietly responded," Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them" [Author Unknown-from: RM9528 @aol.com, via 'Bill's Punch Line '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. Repeat all of the above daily until it's time for the REAL thing! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... who'll make love till my body's a ' itchin ' He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen. I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never compare me to my best friend. Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait, For I know you will send him before it's too late. Amen [Author Unknown-from Joy Roman, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
247. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- [Humor]
... your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. Repeat all of the above daily until it's time for the REAL thing! [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... congregation was still seated as if nothing had happened. Finally, one of the deacons walked out of the church holding the skunk. By this time the young preacher was extremely nervous and very confused. The deacon looked at the preacher holding up the skunk and said," I guess we should have told you about the neighbor's pet skunk. He occasionally comes to vist" [Author Unknown-from Keith 'The Sermon Fodder Guy ' (ktodd @vci.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... more loudly," And those who would like to find a place in hell, PLEASE STAND UP !" The weary man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says," I don't know what we're voting on here, pastor, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... came up with checklists ?) Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots. [Orginal source unknown. Thanks from all of us who like to fly.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
251. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Shopping Ages. [Humor]
... grandfather. In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Pass gas out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your CD's getting sloppy on the disc, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly now, turn off the computer and go and tell your mom! [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
253. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Will Rogers. [Humor]
... Eighth~One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been Ninth~Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth~Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. And finally~If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... have no politics"" Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke"" The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf"" The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets"" I don't want to complain, but every time they build a tax structure, the first thing they nail is me" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
255. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Say It With Me. [Humor]
... PC to pass it along .but even if it does come by e-mail, I'm sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forwarded's in it! Now, repeat this 4 times to yourself until you've memorized it and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will be constipated for the next 3 months. Have a good day. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... : use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (www.coloradocomments.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... : I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Q: What makes it rain? A: Rain is saved up in cloud banks. Q: What is the average temperature in the tropics? A: It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... conference. You might be a school employee if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons .and desks and chairs for that matter! You might be a school employee if the words" I have a college debt for this ?" has ever come out of your mouth. You might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year! [Jeff Foxworthy-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version of" The Christmas Song ," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy !!! M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S! [Author Unknown-from 'Thomas S. Ellsworth ' (tellswor @slonet.org)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the rain-deer make. Like you are going to force the rain-deer to wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training and walking dogs; regardless of the weather. Yup, Santa's a guy alright! M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S! [Author Unknown-from 'Thomas S. Ellsworth ' (tellswor @slonet.org)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... shoot him ?" the salesman replied." No but I'm fixin ' to" The man replied." Somebody came out to rent the dog and I told him like I told you. Call him Salesman and tell him what you want to hunt. Well the darned fool called him Sales Manager and now all he does is sit on his butt and bark at the other animals all day long. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of the leaves"" And where do they get this mulch ?"" They cut down trees and grind them up"" Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight ?"" Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about"" Never mind, I think I've just heard the whole story" [Author Unknown-from Dwayne] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of having to stop what I was doing, go remove the empty box on the scale, and then restart the line. Stopping and starting the line was hurting our overall production. Now, thanks to that little $20 fan, no more empty boxes. Good idea, huh ?” “ Yeah, good idea ” [Author Unknown-Edited-Received from 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " I-I-I-re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure ," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted." For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door !"" A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was ," Louis replied," W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks -o-o-o-or-wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Andychaps_the-funnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a man shouted," It's him! It's him! Look everybody !" Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said," How did you recognize me ?" The man looked at Santa and said," You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
266. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Sally and Andy. [Humor]
... lying. She hid it up in the attic ' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile ' The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning ' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.. ' The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here ' [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... everything from H to O. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places. [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... down over the nose. For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walk well. [Author unknown-'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey. The good news was I had successfully found my way home. [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... then leaped off of the scaffolding. Later, he regained consciousness after a short time, and feebly sat-up on the curb. Pat then glared at his friend Mike, reproachfully, and said:" For why did yez not kitch me ?" he asked, as the pain in bones sounded in his quivering voice." Begorry ," Mike replied sympathetically," I was waiting for yez to bounce !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque." Pastor McGhee, what is this ?" Alex asked." Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service" Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Then, little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked:" Which service sir, the 9 o'clock or the 11 o'clock ?" [Source Unknown-from Michael] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... No answer. He steps 5 feet closer and asks the same question, and still no answer. Again 5 feet closer, and again still no answer. Finally he moves to within inches of her ear and asks," Which way do you think it will break ?" She snaps," For the fourth and final time, I think the darn thing breaks to the left !" [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me! Friday A.M. Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother. Have a great day! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
275. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Seniors Unite. [Humor]
... along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too! Eunice [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... don't understand ," stammers the senator." Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable" The Devil looks at her, smiles and says," Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us !" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time"" Really ?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation." Aye ," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said," Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice. Mary had a Little Lamb Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells, and cockle shells And pretty maidens, all in a row. [Author Unknown-Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time"" Really ?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation." Aye ," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said," Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
280. "Sea Burial" | HUMOR - Inspirational and Christian [Humor]
... do" The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath." Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy ?"" Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is she selling drugs ?" she asked excitedly" No, she's not" he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have." Well, what is it, then ?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said." Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson"" Batteries ?" cried the wife." Yes" he replied." Sally sells 'C ' cells by the Seashore" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
282. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Sailor's Life. [Humor]
... yourself & your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for" liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been cancelled because they need to get ready for an inspection, & it will be another week before they can leave the house. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... there is always next year. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and / or write the first word, when I get around to it. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. [Source: The Flush (tm ), (www.funinmichigan.com / index.htm)-from 'WIT and WISDOM '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... and comes back home. Lena asked," vhy did you come back ?" Ole said," Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin ' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says" Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in" You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river" [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like some sort of tool. 'Hey boy, whatcha got there ?"" It's a Monkey wrench"" Wait up. I'll get my hat-this I gotta see" [Orginal Source Unknown-from Diana Gaertner (gaertner @osagecon.missouri.org)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the air like skinny old fence posts. Now they're in a free-for-all, the girls against the boys. They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all their toys My mother-in-law is snoring in my favorite TV chair. Those kids are stringing lights on her and tinseling her hair I oughta wake her up before the fireworks begin. But I wanna see those blue sparks fly when they plug her in. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
287. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Only a Mother. [Humor]
... the French Club to Disneyland. Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a last-minute science project. Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone. Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant. Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies. Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble. There's one thing about baldness. it's neat. There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have. He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash. It's not that he's baldheaded. he just has a tall face. [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... :" Poli" in latin meaning" many" and" tics" meaning" blood-sucking creatures". Only in America .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America .do we use answering machines to screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead ' (IwantTwisted @keepAhead.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... herd. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin ' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin ' it back in. If you get to thinkin ' you're a person of some influence, try orderin ' somebody else's dog around. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. [Author Unknown-from Hart Dowd (hsdowd @telus.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... town. The 7-11 is only open from 8-5. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd place. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction. There's no place to go that you shouldn't." Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. The New Year's baby was born in October. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
293. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Ode To Spam. [Humor]
... ’ t you drop a line? How are your kids? Is your life fine? How can I pray for you today? Read a good book or seen a play? What victories can you report? I ’ d love to read it – long or short! I'll be so glad you didn't spam. Thank you, thank you, Sam I Am. [by: Mary Egido, Copyright 2006-from Mike's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... cola, etc. Then you comfortably begin to fall asleep .while the maid pushes that special button that turns the chair into a full sized bed. you wake up to an alarm clock that sounds like a waterfall, then your maid brings you your breakfast .the limo is waiting to take you to your favorite place .your job .then you wake up .Yikes! Hey, we can still dream. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . DOCUMENTATION TEAM thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. QUALITY AUDITOR is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby. TESTER is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. HUMAN RESOURCES is one or more people who think that a donkey can deliver a 'human baby ' if given 9 months. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , nor your bamboozled kids, and the last I knew, dust bunnies weren't squealers. All that's left to do now is shower, get rid of all that pretend dust and grim you've accumulated, sit back, and take it easy until next Saturday -when you can pretend to do it all over again. If you ask me. you're nobody 'til some dust bunny covers for you. [Deborah Simmons 2002 (simmons @pathwaynet.com)-from 'editor2theheart '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . A fortune teller offers to read your face. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl. The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions. [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
298. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- On Line. [Humor]
... dog needs some attention. Oh, the other way around I mean! My brain is in suspension! I am running round in circles, I am getting nothing done, I keep thinking of the internet, I'm missing all the fun! I know I'm not addicted Though I hear that all the time, But I guess this stuff will have to wait, Cause today I'll be ON LINE !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
299. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- On Marriage. [Humor]
... marriage"" In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems"-Shelley Winters" No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a higher opinion of him than he deserves"-Edgar Watson Howe" The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted"-Heywood Broun [Author Unknown-from Leon Taylor, via 'GCFL ' (gcfl @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... me"" YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means:" I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse"" YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Means:" Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving"" I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE" Means:" No one will ever see us alive again" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
301. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Outhouse. [Humor]
... The kind that goes inside. And when I sit upon that throne-It fills my heart with pride. I think of all those winters The smell and all those flies. And the bliss that I have sitting there-Brings teardrops to my eyes. Now Pa's got into money-Throughout his later years-So now we all use Charmin Instead of books from Sears. [Rita-from SunAmy, via 'Buffalo Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... yes the earth was in decline-95 %is bad and only 5 %is good. God said this is not good. So, God decided He would send a letter to the 5 %that were good to encourage them-a little something to help them keep going on the right path. Do you know what that letter said? Oh, you didn't get your letter either ?!!! You better straighten up then! [Author Unknown-from Dwayne] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to be steering wheel burn. Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your water bed. Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice. You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty. It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas. Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this. A guest quotes a Biblical passage from" The Feeding of the 5000" [Author Unknown-from Keith Todd (Sermon_Fodder @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... s. You keep repeating yourself. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak .and you say" pureed" At parties you attend," regularity" is considered the topic of choice. [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
305. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Over The Hill. [Humor]
... store. You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low. You think a C.D. is a certificate of deposit. You have more than 2 pair of glasses. You read the obituaries daily. Your biggest concern when dancing is falling. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. You wear black socks with sandals. You know all the warning signs of a heart attack. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... him it's a life preserver. Use it as a base for flower arrangements. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked" lawn fertilizer" For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
307. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Ostrich.... [Humor]
... , but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live !"" That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there ," says the man. The waitress asks," One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich ?" The man replies," My second wish was for a chick with long legs. [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop. It's: 'Yes Ma'am! ' and 'No Ma'am! ' to me, young man, and don't you forget it! Y'all come back now, ya hear !! Bring back any memories ??? It Sure did for me !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... and you live in Arizona. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you. The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. People think you are 40. and you really are. You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed. Everyone is laughing but you. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
310. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- You're Late! [Humor]
... , as a matter of fact I don't ," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice." DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ?" the student asked again." No, and I don't care" replied the professor with an air of superiority." Good ," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I'll bet this calculator will break... I don't like the game... I know someone who's got a bigger toy car than this.." Tip-toeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was giggling." You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's 'gotta be a pony! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is being taken over by others. And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known," eBay ", he said," We need a name that reflects what we are ," and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators"" Whoopee !", said Abraham." No, YAHOO !" said Dot Com. and that is how it all began. [Author Unknown-from allwin, via Harold Brown] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? [Author Unknown-from 'Bill Rayborn ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it already. You notice everything they sell in stores is sleeveless. You've never heard of most of the celebs in People Magazine You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked daily. What used to be freckles are now liver spots. It seems that everybody whispers. [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... notebook." I ain't a Jets fan either ," the boy said." I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or at least the Jets. What team do you root for ?" the reporter asked." I'm a Cowboys fan ," the kid said with pride. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes," Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... that money came out, she removed it. Pressed the button to let it know she didn't want any other transactions-and, because she never took her car out of 'drive, she didn't put the car in*reverse*and back up over the guy behind her !" Union Planters had a camera on the entire transaction and plans to turning the film into a training video for the ATM-challenged. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , don't get me wrong, I love holidays; They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, if I live 'til next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
318. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Yugo Musings. [Humor]
... you call a Yugo on the top of the hill? A miracle. What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris?~A Ferarri can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.~A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds. The new Yugo comes with a tow package. It's in the front. What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire? Totalled. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)]] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... talking to that secretary. Generally, I say," I shouldn't tell you this, but" But I always do. I think I have nit-picking on the brain. I must rest now. I have several judgments to make tomorrow, so bye for now. Just try to stay out of trouble-you know one of us is always watching. [by: Larry Harp, Bedford, Texas-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
321. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- New Words. [Humor]
... forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. PUPKUS (pup ' kus)-n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay ' shun)-n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)]] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... was going to preach about everyone on the left side of the church raised their hands and no one on the right side did. They were going to get him to preach again one way or the other. As he surveyed the situation he simply replied," Well, those of you on the left tell those of you on the right and then you can go home. You are dismissed !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
323. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- New home. [Humor]
... for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity"" Did you know that the famous punk band" Grave Robber" holds their practice sessions right next door ?"" Yes it's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually been able to prove it was murder"" Don't worry, you can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... : 32CF: Incompetent User. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y / N) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. PENCIL & PAPER. User Error: Replace user. Windows VirusScan 1.0-" OS / 2 found: Remove it? (Y / Y )" Backup not found: (A) bort (R) etry (P) anic. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... The Day After Christmas (humor) 'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting-even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said" U.S. POSTMAN" With a handful of bills, he grinned like ...
... be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minute before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... just tourists" Under Mouse Arrest-Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct." Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest" Uninstalled-Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment. WOOFYS-Well Off Older Folks. World Wide Wait-The real meaning of WWW. Xerox Subsidy-Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... first name. If you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset. There is a sign outside of McDonalds that says:" Park dog-teams in back". If the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school. You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground. [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is Supposed to know you're doing. I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies. I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do. [Author Unknown-from 'TheSermonFodderGuy ' (Sermon_Fodder @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy! It's your turn to wax the core. How come all the big shots are leaving? Is that a 60 minute film crew out there? Is this part really necessary? OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though. Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
331. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- No Pork. [Humor]
... . He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says," Wow-you order an apple in this place and look how it's served !" [Author unknown-'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the sheep in your flock. You've seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church Soft Ball Game. Your Bible has more side notes than printed text. You jiggle all the toilet handles before you leave the church building. The" Annual Church Meeting" and" Armageddon" are one and the same to you. Does any or all this seem very familiar to you? [Author Unknown-from 'jo-jokers ' and 'The Funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns." Oh, Lord! Now what ?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes." Show him your cross ," says Sister Mary Vincent." Hey! Now you're talking ," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts." GET THE HECK OFF OUR CAR !!" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
334. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Observations. [Humor]
... he says," I wish you'd have come to me sooner" You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. [From Mike Atkinson (Mike @UneekNet.com) via 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... eavesdropping in computer stores. and correcting the salesperson. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects. You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work. You've even calculated how much you make per second. Your favorite James Bond character is" Q". You understood more than five of these jokes. [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand-kids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? So... When I reach the Golden age, I'll face it with a grin-Just forward all my email to: me @Holiday_Inn! [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (http :// www.laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
337. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- No Gun Hunting. [Humor]
... the door !" They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too. Then the guy slams the door shut, and says," You skin that one. I'll go get another one" [Author Unknown-Received from Pastor Tim, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
338. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Novice Skier. [Humor]
... of nowhere, comes this crazy woman skiing backwards, at top speed, with her ski suit down around her knees. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I leaned over to get a better look. I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved, though. Sigh .I fell out of the lift" Then he turned to her and asked," So, how'd you break your arm ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the bottom line, cause (insert your name here) said so" #2-You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based solely on your knowledge from watching" ER". And the number one reason you know you've been watching too much TV.... #1-Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask," Is that your final answer ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " Useless, it is the same color as my dog and it has no pockets" When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply," Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline !" Dog cookies are starting to look good. What's a vacation? [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
341. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- No Copyright. [Humor]
... . Words keep me busy, sometimes dizzy, but ease inclinations to pout. So why would I, copyright my delight, to lose a part of my pastime? When all's said and done I'll still write on as long as my fingers define. It matters not if you're read or taught nor how many words you've heard. Pick up your pen, copyright be singed, give the credit to the Lord. [Author Unknown-from Chaplain777-owner @yahoogroups.com] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for the ears of those who think he's too loud! Hope to see you there! [Author Unknown-Submitted by: Tanya Foster] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
343. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Ozark Speak. [Humor]
... us fer a spell. Yeller-A color between orange and green.-Look at that Yellar dog over yonder. Yonder-Over there-Billy Bob went yonder to fetch hisn dawg. You'ns-You or all-You'ns better aim to come for vittles. Yourn-Yours -This aint mine is it yourn. Younguns-Children -You younguns better git to bed now. [Author Unknown-from Steve Sanderson, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ? Bruce: Don ’ t change the subject! What did I tell you about chewing my shoes? Dog: Uh, Dad? I ’ d like to talk about this, but I can ’ t. Bruce: Why not? Dog: Because .because there ’ s a squirrel in the yard!~Bruce Cameron~Copyright 2011 All Rights Reserved [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2011 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one. [Author unknown-received from Chris Long at 'Laugh & Lift ' (www.laughandlift.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
346. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Wrong Number. [Humor]
... me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now. 'At that point my telephone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said: 'Almighty God ' I was afraid to answer !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
347. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Wrong Number? [Humor]
... Jennifer at 10: 00. I thought you were her. Sorry. it was an honest mistake"" Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home" I smiled and said," Okay, I will. but Becky isn't going to like this" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
348. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Pope's Debate. [Humor]
... to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here"" Yes, yes,. and then ???" asked the crowd." I don't know ," said Moishe," He took out his lunch, and I took out mine" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
349. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Porsche. [Humor]
... ." Well ," she said," this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money. So I did" Are women good or what ?! [Author Unknown-submitted by: Eva Young] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says," I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican" The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies," The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... it's just having an" out-of-notebook experience" You're not sleeping in class; you're" rationing consciousness" You don't have smelly gym socks; you have" odor-retentive athletic footwear" You weren't passing notes in class. You were" participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations" You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're" going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... abundantly verbal" You weren't passing notes in class. You were" participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations" You're not being sent to the principals office. You're" going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building" It's not called gossip anymore. It's" the speedy transmission of near-factual information" The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's" digestively challenged" [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
353. "Pocket Taser" | HUMOR - Inspirational and Christian [Humor]
... wits (what little I had left ), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there ??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Still in shock, Tommy [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ." You miserable bird. you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah. why? Why did you do this to me ?"" Don't be stupid ," the parrot replied." Think of the odds on Yom Kippur !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffaloes)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please-Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas. Bless the love bugs, two by two, The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, In Texas, Lord, you've put them all! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for INSECT SPRAY !! [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... )" What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That ?" (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house (Southern) Egg-Suckin ' Dawg (Yankee) Any lazy dog (Southern) Good fer nothin ' Dawg (Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
357. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Polite Insults. [Humor]
... stork"-Mae West" He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. for support rather than illumination"-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)" He has Van Gogh's ear for music"-Billy Wilder" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it"-Groucho Marx" Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go"-Oscar Wilde [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can ' 2-'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail ' AND THE WINNER IS. 1-'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here ' [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the paper on. Take now soggy bow from puppy and tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks. Take pen from older dog, address tag and affix while puppy tries to eat pen. Grab present before puppy opens it and put it away. Clean up mess puppy and older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper. Put away rest of wrapping supplies and tell dogs what good helpers they are. [Author unknown-from 'TheFunnyBone '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented." I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't" [Author Unknown-from 'Bill Rayborn ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ." Ken ," she barked," I dropped you off !" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said," In that case, would you please come and pick me up ?" Diane retorted," I will. just as soon as I can convince this policeman I didn't steal your car" [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens. At work there are managers. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the fickle forgiveness of the former folderol. His fury flashed. But fussing was futile, for the far-sighted father figured, such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity? The fugitive is found!" Unfurl the flags, with fanfares flaring! Let fun and frolic freely flow !"" Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken! And forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortitude" [Author Unknown-from Keith Todd (Sermon_Fodder @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of soup and spirit.*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.*Volunteers are needed to spit up food.*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess.*We pray that our people will jumble themselves. [Author Unknown-from Lisa, via Frank Morris] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
365. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Working Out. [Humor]
... , and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the harpy 2 ), will choose a gift for me that is fun-maybe something like a root canal or a vasectomy. [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... times? Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair? Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets? Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon? Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase" Industrial Strength ?" Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech." I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... see if I've got this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined truck cab and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container" Trucker:" Yeah, that? s right. All lead" Assessor:" Then I can ’ t see any justification for your claim of radiation poisoning" Trucker:" I'm not suing for radiation poison. I'm claiming lead poisoning !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord !" That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:" Dear God, bless this food which I am about to receive" [Author Unknown-from Harold] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer." Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN" The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff." HALLELUJAH !", shouted the man. [Author Unknown-from Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child. Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing," I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent! [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... The bus driver looks at St. Peter and says" Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead ?" St. Peter just laughs and says:" The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people really prayed !" [Original source unknown-from Dwayne] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. IN CONCLUSION: Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Management [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , I feel a lot better now ," I assured them. The people closest to me were so relieved they had tears in their eyes. By nap time nearly all the students had left, which I thought was rather odd. After all that work, why wouldn't they stick around for kielbasa? It was the best part!~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2006, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... "" I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack." Why the sudden change of heart ?" Well, sir ," said Sven," we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners" MICHIGAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN If you're from Michigan, pass this on. GOD BLESS MICHIGAN! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... putting that in writing? Lord, keep me open to others ' ideas, WRONG though they may be. Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the search committee with his pointed questions. Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor. Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search. Sincerely, The Pastoral Search Committee. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman," You put it in your purse" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
379. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Pearly Gates. [Humor]
... smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!" St. Peter, duly impressed, says" Wow! When did this happen ?"" About three minutes ago" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... coming out of your mouth when you say," Not in your good clothes !" You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
381. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- "Pebble Beach". [Humor]
... that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: WAIT. STEP BACK. TAKE A PRACTICE SWING. So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again: TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING. He did. Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again: PUT THE OLD BALL BACK. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Someday we'll think back on all this and probably plow into a parked car. How did people look busy at work before computers? I hear voices in my head-but they don't speak my language. Every dog has his day-you missed yours. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (bbrabant @sault.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... are stalling until the next war. GOOD NEWS: Your biggest critic just left your church. BAD NEWS: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. GOOD NEWS: The youth in your church came to your house for a surprise visit. BAD NEWS: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to" decorate" your house. [Author Unknown-from Berry Jontz, via Bill Rayborn] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. [Author Unknown-Received from Becky, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... long it will take to crash. Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine. Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again. Rule #22-When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot. [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
388. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Parrot. [Humor]
... with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior" John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued," May I ask what the turkey did ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... inconvenience. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. If you fall in the Nursing Home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess Ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... yelling and screaming like mad men. The Devil is dumb founded," I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two ?" The Michiganders look at the Devil in surprise," Vell, don't ya know, if Hell froze over dat must mean da Lions von da super bowl.... [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... now, I hope-and he left ” Afterwards, all the guests were looking exhausted as they sat around the living room. Just then, the 17-year-old neighbor girl came into the living room and handed Janet a slip of paper. “ Mrs. Jones ,” she said, “ I've finished cleaning-up and here's the license number of the car that ran over Ol ’ Spot ” [Author Unknown-from 'Scream of the Crop ' (scream_of_the_crop @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not a kiddin! To understand this~it really helps if you are from Mitchegen. Ya. eh? [Author Unknown-Kathleen, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is a FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. CLICK. Editor: Story" posted" as received. [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... performance. They're chintzy, they're inexperienced; they're incompetent. They run a_operation. Greg will stay single for the rest of his life. Rather than settling down, he prefers to. ANSWERS: first base left field two strikes home run ballpark hardball smash hit touch base rain check off the bat screwball pinch-hit major league bush league / minor league play the field [By: Richard Lederer-from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... price, say" Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math" Order a one-inch pizza. Dance all around the word" pizza" Avoid saying it at all costs. If he / she says it, say" Please don't mention that word" Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell" OW !" when a bullet is fired. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... heard in the engine" explained the flight attendant." It took us a while to find a new pilot"" American 241, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees"" Center, we are at 35, 000 feet. How much noise can we make up here ?"" Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737 ?" [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
398. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Pied Piper. [Humor]
... he watches in amazement as the seething tide of vermin surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop." Ah, you've come back for the rest of the story ," says the owner." No ," says the tourist," I was wondering if you have a bronze sculpture of a POLITISHION ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I entertain because. I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over to dinner. I don't iron because. I choose to believe them when they say" permanent press". (I am trusting) I don't stress much on anything because." A-Type Personalities" die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty old woman !!! [Submitted by Orvie Jensen-from 'WIT and WISDOM '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
400. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Pet Place. [Humor]
... more than clean carpeting, clothing, furniture, floors or walls. I love thee bravely-enough to battle the indomitable flea on your behalf. I love thee monetarily-enough to put the vet's children through college. I love thee openly-I will bear any embarrassment for your furry sake. I love thee totally-more than free time, excess cash or a predictable life. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... photographer, and photographers take pictures !" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said," You mean you're not the instructor? I was suppose to learn how to land the plane today" Two men learned how to pray that day... Addendum-Proverbs 3: 5" Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author unknown-from Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... one more imbecile than you counted on. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. [Author Unknown-from Andy Chap] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts:" I KNEW IT. I'M NOT GOING !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. Wake up two hours before the alarm clock is set to go off, and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. Note: (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, so this will drive them nuts )! [Author unknown-from Pup] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . What are you going to do then ?"" No problem ," says the other guy," you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark" Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks," Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway ?" The other guy replies," I found it" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Cajuns crammed into another one just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their restroom and walked over to the one in which the Yankees were hiding. The Cajun knocked on the door and said," Ticket, please" There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won that war. [Author Unknown-from DL Wyche, via 'Good, Clean Funnies List ' (GCFL.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
407. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Threesome. [Humor]
... pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers," Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... God. Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers. Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin. Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint. Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully. Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices. Heaven: Sam Walton-now a resident! Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola-now on sale! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ," I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece"" That's amazing !" said the driver." How do they taste ?"" Don't rightly know ," said the farmer," we can't catch 'em" [Author Unknown-from LABLaughs] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and filled the pail on the ground from it. Again he noted that the problem had an exact solution, which of course he had found. The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring. At last he stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared," The problem has been reduced to one already solved" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
411. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Walk to School. [Humor]
... every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says," Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it. (Your PUN for the day-and hopefully a smile.) [Author Unknown-from" theodora" (theo2 @sunlitsurf.com ), via 'Sermon Fodder '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a wolf, but you wouldn't be calling me !" By this time, I am turning into the drive and I am plenty steamed up. As I jumped out and slammed the car door, my wife flung open the window upstairs." Okay !" I shouted up to her." Say it !"" I will ," she cooed softly." Want to borrow a jack ?" [Author Unknown-from Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Now, I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected living's popularity. How can there be self-help groups? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself hire someone to do it forbid your kids to do it There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. Those who say they" sleep like a baby" haven't got one. The best thing to spend on your children is time. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. However, I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet !!! Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
417. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Think About It. [Humor]
... the same side. Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. Life is 10 %of what happens to you, and 90 %of how you respond to it. [Author Unknown-from Keith Todd (ajokeaday7 @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
418. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Warning Labels. [Humor]
... a 30cm tall CD rack. Never iron clothes while they are being worn-on a household iron. Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire-on a smoke detector. Do not eat toner-on a laser printer cartridge. And on a pair of cyclist's shin guards-Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. STILL think you're having a bad day? A terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with" return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better? [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... travel without a ticket ?" says one perplexed engineer." Watch and you'll see ," answered an accountant. When they board the train all three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says," Tickets, please !" [Author unknown-'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , and my attorney called to tell me that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough, without being considered a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, 'gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... [Author Unknown-from Hart Dowd (hartdowd @shaw.ca)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible. Keep it crashing! [Author Unknown-from 'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best. Build Vocabulary-Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.*MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake !!! [George Costanza & Kramer-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , we have those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6 an hour. That would be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 180 days = $135, 000 per year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here !!! There sure is, huh ????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Author unknown-from Faith Sturgis (teacher ), via Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1, 000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds." That ought to be obvious ," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat." The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck !" [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . My mother on her knees, pounding her fist into the carpet, while my father, who until this time was prostrate on the Laz-E-Boy now seemed to be attempting to kiss his own knees. After composing themselves, the tea was located and dinner was served. I still have that little tin, which held my precious" Virginia tea ," and it has become quite the topic of conversation. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
427. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- T.K.O. [Humor]
... as they say in boxing)" saved by the nose"-Brad's, that is, which began to bleed furiously. At that age, blood was the color of panic, and when he saw he was bleeding he jumped up and ran off crying. When I glanced back at my family, they were still cheering.-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2003, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker! Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Repeat all of the above every weekend. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place-like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, the barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable. Annoying drips: Don't invite them over anymore. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
430. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Walk On Water. [Humor]
... Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother." Grandma ," he asked," it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him ?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said," Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January-you were born in July" [Author Unknown-from Lorraine, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I'm burning fuel at an inefficient rate. But here's the worst of it: almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, I leak fluids. I'm so ready for a trade in! Anyone know where I can get a good deal? Praise the Lord, we know one day we WILL get a new body, Amen ??? [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Real Woman-Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it. And finally the most important tip.... Ladies-Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Real Woman-Leftover wine ?? [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have" fixed" it. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help. If something looks level, it is level. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works,. then it isn't stupid. [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
434. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Walking. [Humor]
... flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them! [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... care if you have found another two strings, I'm done !"" You've just wound 'em around and around-I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year ?"" Have you been drinking ?"" Where's the cat ?"" If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father" [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
436. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Wash My Dog. [Humor]
... The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added," I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog"" Well ," the boy replied," I don't think it was the detergent that killed him"" Oh? What was it then ?"" I think it was the spin cycle !" [Author Unknown-from" Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List" (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Look before you leap. Birds of a feather flock together. Beauty is only skin deep. No use crying over spilt milk. Cleanliness is next to godliness. The pen is mightier than the sword. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Spare the rod and spoil the child. A watched pot never boils. All that glitters is not gold. Where there's smoke, there's fire. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
438. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Seamstress. [Humor]
... ' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands-so THAT'S why I said 'yes ' to Brad Pitt" MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. [Author Unknown-from Bob Francis (sirbob @pcez.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
439. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Sneeze. [Humor]
... walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then he delivered his speech. an astounding sneeze. The rest of the students rose immediately to their feet, and in unison they said," GOD BLESS YOU" The audience exploded into applause. The graduating class found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future. with or without the court's" SNEEZE" ruling. [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long and eye can put the error rite. Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it. I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains. Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
442. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Stove. [Humor]
... interrupted the theologian," I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries" The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct." Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe" [Author unknown-from Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
443. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Rules. [Humor]
... angry or upset at any time. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. The female must under NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm. If the Female has P.M.S, all of the Rules are null and void. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... stand and became aware that the tea was getting weaker and weaker. One day the young man confessed that sales were dropping and he attributed this to the fact that he was using less and less of the powdered-tea mix. Then one day he went out of business, as attempts to turn things around failed. The moral of this story is: 'Honest Tea ' is the best policy! [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
445. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Police. [Humor]
... woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error." But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken. They haven't muttered a single peep this whole time" the officer says." Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119" [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
446. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Plus Sign [Humor]
... structure, the uniforms. WHAT was it ???" Little Tommy looks at her and says," Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around" Addendum-Proverbs 9: 9 (NASB)" Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser. Teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning" [Author Unknown-from Digory] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... my war with malted milk is won, Let me stand with Heavenly throng, In a shining robe-size 30 long. I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me, the virtues of lettuce and celery. Teach me the evil of mayonnaise, And of pasta a la Milanese and crisp-fried chicken from the South. Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
448. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Pope. [Humor]
... I mean really important ," said the cop. The Chief then asked." Who ya got there, the Mayor ?" Cop :" Bigger" Chief :" Governor ?" Cop :" Bigger"" Well ," said the Chief ," Who is it ?" Cop:" I think it's God !" Chief :" What makes you think it's God ?" Cop :" He's got the Pope for a limo driver !" [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " The little boy said," That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started" The preacher said," I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been 'saved ' that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss" The little boy looked at him with a smile and said," Just keep pulling on that cord. It'll come back to ya !" [Author Unknown-From Denial] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... named them for you" The husband was thinking to himself," Oh no, what has he done now ?" and said with trepidation," Well what did you name them ?" The brother replied," I named the little girl Denise" The husband, relieved, said," That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son ?" The brother replied," Denephew" [Kevin-Off-the-church-walls (otchurch @hotmail.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it). A Quarter and a Phone Booth: (See #1 above) [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the words to thank him. My dad bought me a thesaurus, too. I thought that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable. I was doing geography homework and I asked him where I would find the Catskills. He said," I don't know, your mother puts everything away !" When my father saw my report card, he said I was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in history. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain, Sincerely, The Schoolmaster [Author Unknown-from PCD, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... check processing software to fail. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her an 'old fashion ' typewriter instead. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
455. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Worst Day. [Humor]
... massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said," This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk !" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... in! The boa constrictor got loose again. Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are! To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... over the backyard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration. I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... permission to go to the lavatory. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Unobtrusively draw your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out. Try to raise one eyebrow. Think about your chin for an entire minute. Twiddle your thumbs. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to the turkey" The clerk also votes! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands." Now ," she asked me ," has your plane arrived yet ?" She also votes! [Author Unknown-submitted by: Eva Young] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ? A cracker? Naaa! The IDF research lab looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the desert-maneuvers-ration kit. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis. It remains an eternal existential discussion topic. [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE? For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV and AOL users alone will take years to absorb. [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).-Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.-Solomon (1 Kings 11: 1-3) A wife?. NOT !!!-Paul (1 Corinthians 7: 32-35) [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again." Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold ?"" Absolutely ," the man replied." It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever"" How can you be so sure ?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied," The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy" [Author Unknown-from Geeta George (geetageorge2001 @yahoo.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... A cloud of dust was kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dirt." Yep, it's working ," he concluded. The technician yelled out to the others at the target end," The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving the rifle at this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end !" Sound familiar ??? [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
465. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Truth [Humor]
... minute sermon against lying, beginning," Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie ?" and ending with," Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie" There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said," All right, give him the dog" [Author Unknown-from DAILY DOSE!] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... an animal .stand up for what you believe in .smell the rain, feel the breeze, listen to the wind .use all your senses to their fullest .cherish all your TODAYS Today you were thought about by me. Send this to a friend and let them know they were thought about TODAY! Addendum-Matthew 22: 39 (GNB)" The second most important commandment is: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself" [Author Unknown-from Mary Ann] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it on the patio of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort to go, particularly in cold weather. Yours truly, Campground Director [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Vernors without coughing. You know what a Yooper is. You think owning a Honda is Un-American. You know that UP is a place, not a direction. You know it's possible to live in a thumb. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends. [by: Jeff Foxworthy-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... their final number and you haven't reached your last point yet! Always remember, those nods of agreement from our silvery-haired friends may just be nods! A good sermon is similar to a good sandwich. It has two ends: the bread, and lots of meat in the middle. However, unlike a sandwich, the two ends of a good sermon should be as close together as possible. [Author Unknown-from 'Sermon Fodder and Joke A Day '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... in gold. Real gravy don't come from the store. When" by and by" is. Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up. Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers. Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
471. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Ugliest Suit... [Humor]
... replied the clerk." That's great !" exclaimed the manager." I was afraid we'd never get rid of that horrid monstrosity! That had to have been the ugliest suit we've ever had! But, tell me, why is your hand bandaged ?"" Oh, that ," the clerk replied." Well, after I sold the guy the suit, his darn guide dog bit me !" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
472. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Truths. [Humor]
... misery. -Winston Churchill The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. -Mark Twain What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.-Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995 The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
473. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Trust. [Humor]
... a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a recess was promptly called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's" Best come-back" line and we think he'll win. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
474. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- True Floridian. [Humor]
... Summer. You've actually hosted a hurricane party. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoochee and Micanopy. You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself. You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim. You've worn shorts and used the A / C on Christmas and New Years (oh yeah !) You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern Cuba ' [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... tied up, so a busy tone you get? In case you haven't guessed by now-I'm on the Internet. My E-mail holds me spellbound, and an Addict I must be, For I can't wait to find out what my Inbox holds for me. So please forget the things you have in mind for me to do. I'll maybe think about them when my E-mail tasks are through. [Author Unknown-from Ross, via buffalos-g-jokes @yahoogroups.com] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said," Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land" [Author Unknown-from B. Brabant (buffalo @sault.com ), via 'Bills-Punch-Line '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
477. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- University Entrance Exam (Football Player Edition). [Humor]
... does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for? If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California? Where does wood come from? (a) TREES (b) Asphalt (c) Steel If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how much money do I have left? FOR EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent-or some similar combination. All 3-woods are demon-possessed. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather. In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Walmart. Go to Walmart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you. [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
480. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Truck Accident. [Humor]
... accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said," Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
481. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Unbelievable. [Humor]
... distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed," and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey-but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! [Author Unknown-Received from dadiodio, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is in Grandma's lap. Moms get mad when you cut your own bangs. Never put chewed gum in your pocket without a wrapper Moms gets even madder when you let your friend cut your bangs. Putting crayons in the microwave or the clothes dryer is a no-no. It's not a good idea to shine the bathroom floor with Vaseline. You can never put toothpaste back in the tube. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !! I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky. With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees. HAPPY EATING TO ALL! PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE! [Author Unknown-from 'ColoradoComments ' (www.ColoradoComments.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... club to do what they do. Then we wrapped while we waited, The fat guy was good! We tried to keep up as well as we could. At last we were done, and so was the tire. The man he arose from in front of the fire And we heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight." Merry Christmas to you and to you Ah ah ah CHOO! [by Donna Pryer-from 'Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... email. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime. and the Internet will always be there tomorrow! [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead ' (IwantTwisted @keepAhead.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said," Well ?"" Well, What ?" the man responded." When are you going to call them back ?" The game warden prompted." Call who back ?" The man asked." The FISH"" What fish ?" The man asked... [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms. MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize. MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all. MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is to low to remember. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Use it as a base for flower arrangements. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked" lawn fertilizer" For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry. [Author Unknown-'Mikey's Funnies ' (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore-But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! Diet ?? Did I say 'Diet ?? What Diet !?? (heh hehe) [Author Unknown-from Rita, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Where have you been all my life? SHE-Hiding from you. HE-Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE-Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE-Is this seat empty? SHE-Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE-So, what do you do for a living? SHE-I'm a female impersonator. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey. Thanks... oh, and Happy Thanksgiving too. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1995-2002-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
493. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Two Nuts [Humor]
... One for you. One for me. One for you" The boy then blurted out to his father," The devil and the God are dividing the souls !!!" The father grinned but was silent. A few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts, one Scout said to the other.." As soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all" [Author and original source unknown.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
494. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Turkey Poem. [Humor]
... As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the Turkey compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said" Christmas is coming" [Author Unknown-from Catherine Major, via Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded," Yes ," then offered complete roasting directions. Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded," I don't know, it's still running around outside" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say," Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head ?" You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak! [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere" The customer retorted," Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map !" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered" You don't mean Buffalo, do you ?"" That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (www.laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
498. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Unspoken Rules. [Humor]
... Remington, and even if he's never been within 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo. When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department. Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fan blades of Death. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 3-The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. 2-Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON. 1-The minister says," You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl"-but it's only November! [Author Unknown-from Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... play, sir, it's a sin on any day" #2 Golfer:" This is the worst course I've ever played on" Caddy:" This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago" #1 AND the best caddy comment Golfer:" That can't be my ball, it's too old" Caddy:" It's been a long time since we teed off, sir" [Author Unknown-from Bob Bartholomew and Mark Miller] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... your car. Unless your towing a moblie home. A Ditch: Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but since it can lift a 20 ton truck and up root a three hundred year old tree, I'd bet my life on out-running it in a car. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ; So, if you carrot all for me Let's let our tulips meet. Don't squash my hopes and dreams now, Bee my honey, dear; Or tears will fill potato's eyes, While sweet corn lends an ear. I'll cauliflower shop and say, Your dreams are parsley mine. I'll work and share my celery, So be my Valentine.-Jeanne Losey-[ By Jeanne Losey-Source: Colorado Comments (www.coloradocomments.com ), from Wit and Wisdom] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
503. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Tough Year. [Humor]
... was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. And, finally.... Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great !! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! [Author Unknown-from Gordon, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
504. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Tornado Info. [Humor]
... of the night, every light, every computer, your dishwasher, your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave and your fans will all come on all at once. 1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep. 2) And your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark once again. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . In general, women find them romantic while men do not. What? Answer: Love Notes! According to a Men's Health Magazine survey, 73 %of women say this is their biggest complaint about their man's cologne .what is it? Answer: He wears too much! We know why-55 %of men keep cologne in their CAR. [Author Unknown-from 'TheSermonFodderguy ' (Sermon_Fodder @yahoogroups.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
506. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Top Secret. [Humor]
... him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane .only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said," Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night !" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. [Author Unknown-from Dave, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
508. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Tools. [Humor]
... you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. Cordless Drill-A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90 %over a standard plug-in tool. Cordless Telephone-The handyman's 911. Chain saw-Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. Vise Grips-A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice. [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4: 30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards;" I Was JUST 92" Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again." I'm 100 and a half !" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half !! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for" Coffee Provides Resuscitation" Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof" Now, then" Synthetic natural gas Christian Scientists Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct Life Temporary tax increase Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Friendly Fire And the Number one top OXY-Moron, 1. Microsoft Works [Author Unknown-from 'Kevin Rayner ' (otchurch @hotmail.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , he emptied a bag of ashes and dirt onto her hallway carpet." If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of the ashes and dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder" The old woman stepped back and said," Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ) Computer-Camp Vacation! Spend an entire week trying to navigate a telephone tree in order to get to a live person! And, of course, with all of these vacations, a free supply of post cards will be provided, so that you can write your friends and tell them" you wish they were here" (Even if you wish you weren't)~Bruce Cameron~[ By: W. Bruce Cameron 2005-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
514. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Trading Places. [Humor]
... thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied," My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... : Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! Strange But True !: She Really May NOT Care What" Fourth Down and Ten" Means. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the" Action / Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a pyramid of such fabrication as to allow the warming of our nakedness before the location of burning within the area of living. Upon the occasion of the festival of the night, let us all join in a slobber of brewer's craft. I belong to you, Bruce Cameron (Apparently, this is how they talk in Brazil)~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2002, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse ?" The man replied," Yes it was! Do you think I'm crazy ?"" No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky ," said the rancher." Because I happen to know the black horse down there don't know diddly about cars" [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel (chocdr @gmail.com ), via 'Bill's Punch Line '-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
519. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Trash Day. [Humor]
... breakfast buffet this morning. My daughter is right; we do throw too much stuff away. By the time we're finished, we've dragged so much junk out to the end of my driveway it resembles the inside of my garage. The shredder falls silent and the kids go to school, and what passes for peace at the Cameron house settles over the morning. Until next Wednesday. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1999-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
520. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- To Your Health. [Humor]
... And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in fat and cholesterol. And Satan saw what he had done and said," It is good" And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs. [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (square-head) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle. Remove all food from the house that is recognizable and actual tastes good. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat-hangar and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall, while wearing your bath-robe backwards and holding it closed in the back. [Author Unknown-thanks James, 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job with-out my toys! It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , and falling down would cause giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors. [Author Unknown-from Steve Sanderson, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
524. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Up North. [Humor]
... a national holiday. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck. There is only one shopping plaza in town. The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo-its sausage making. You find -20F a little chilly. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Kevin, Nikki and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your hard-disk is booting. Love, Andy [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I started singin ' the Doxology! Yes, sir, Brother Blowhorn, I'm excited! I just know we'll be havin ' us a packed house next Sunday, what with all the sick and shut-ins revived by such a touch from Heaven. I look forward to givin ' you right nice report. Your good friend, Pastor William Robert (" Billy-Bob ") Devil's Town, GA [Author Unknown-from Lynn via 'Andychaps The Funnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze. The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones, so big and bright, Stop my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills. But what I'd really like to know. Is what tells each one where to go. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ? Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time). Jamie: Did you see the sky? Tommy: Yessssss Jamie: Tommy, do you see the teacher? Tommy: Yes Jamie: Do you see the teachers brain? Tommy: No Jamie: Then according to what we learned today in school, she must not have one. [Author unknown-from Ruthie (sugie01 @aol.com ), via Andy Chap-Ed: Anon] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there-you just have to look for her.-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2002-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... patrol car, and all was right with the world. About a year later the same couple was watching TV. The weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night? Without saying a word, the wife got up out of her chair, went straight into the bedroom, and went to sleep. [Author unknown-from Mark Miller-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... handle this: You're of legal age, now, you could just move out. I suppose it's inevitable that you're going to be doing so anyway. And then these rules will be unnecessary. Yet somehow I don't think I'll be happier; after nearly two decades of living with you, I sort of like having you around.~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2007, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Who the heck is she and why is she following us ?"" Well ," Timmy explained," every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life ," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it! [Author Unknown-from 'Andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... then ?"" Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people I call"" Why'd you ask me how I was doing then ?"" That's just a courtesy"" You don't like me do you ?"" Yes sir. I like you just fine"" So. You want to come over and 'pitch ' some horseshoes ?" (click) [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " It Wasn't a Party, I Just Had Some Friends Over !" test: Leave town for a weekend. When you come back, check to see if the house is still standing. If the structure passes all of the tests, you can live in it with teenagers. The question is, why would you want to?-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2004, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
536. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Tech Support. [Humor]
... up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now press the 'P ' key to bring up the Program Manager" Customer: I don't have a 'P ' key. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: 'P on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT !!! (Click-dial tone) [Author Unknown-from 'Bills-Punch-Line ' (tcmrlalk @airmail.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the teacher, He stepped back and admired the work of His hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And God smiled, for when He looked at the teacher, He saw into the future. He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers. And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created." SNOW DAYS" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... with glue too much. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he / she should sell. Student has a photogenic memory but the lens cover is glued on. The 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. If you give the student a penny for his / her thoughts, you would get change. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide). I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking). [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
540. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Teaching Math. [Humor]
... this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... their turn to stare at me with a blank look." Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored"~Earl Nightingale~[ Author Unknown-from Helen and Hart Dowd (http :// occupytillicome.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now press the letter 'P ' to bring up the Program Manager" Customer:" I don't see a" P". Tech:" The keyboard, Bob" Customer:" What do you mean, 'P ' ?" Tech:" On your keyboard, Bob" Customer:" I'm not going to do that !!!" [Author Unknown-from John Traver-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said:" We're prepared to offer you $200, 000 for your motel" Leola replies...." We'll take it........... but only if you change your phone number" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... A hello-copper ", answered the whispering voice." What is going on there ?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed, whispering voice the child answered," The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked," Why are they there "? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:" They're looking for me" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right ?" The telemarketer will agree and you say," Now you know how I feel !" Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke." Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma ?" And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... week before that unspeakable accident. I haven't had the heart to clean it" Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh," I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere" [Author Unknown-from Paul E. Sanders (psanders @iwon.com ), via Bill Rayborn] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU !!! [Author Unknown-from Pastor Harold Brown] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... thing more. When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws, He asked in a whisper," are you really Santa Claus ?"" Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think ?" And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink. Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl," To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida. [Author Unknown-Received from FranCMT2, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
550. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Texas Tales. [Humor]
... fact, one day last fall the wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens in the panhandle plumb fell over" During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned him," I'll have to come out and inspect the property first" The rancher replied," That won't be necessary. Here it comes now" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , Public Relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team. If they don't look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I want to play THAT course !"" Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever" St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said" I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with laughter." Oh, there aren't any" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
553. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Ten Inches [Humor]
... ask the reason for this resumed jubilation." Wow !" exclaimed the boy happily," God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in only 10-inches of water !" Addendum-Proverbs 3: 5 (NIV)" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author Unknown-from Stan] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... hot bath. Swedish cars don't start. -40 Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. [Author Unknown-Bob, via 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... having internal bleeding. Are there any more cookies ?" Grumbling, he went off to search for the ball. I gazed up at the sky and made a mental note to complain to the homeowner's association about the presence of a tennis court in our neighborhood. I mean, what kind of thing is that to have in a place where there are children around?-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2003-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... salary annually, and increase it as a symbol of love and appreciation. Thou shalt not speak too often of the former pastor, and when thou dost, may it be kindly. Thou shalt not forget the new pastoral family at Christmas and on their birthdays with thoughtful remembrance. Thou shalt not forget to pray for the new pastor and (her / his) family regularly. [Author unknown-from 'John A. Bright ' (johnlynnbright @gmail.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... reduced them to four. Four public servants full of loyalty, Their jobs were all advertised-then there were three. Three public servants under review, One left on secondment-then there were two. Two public servants coping on the run, One went on stress leave-then there was one. The last public servant agreed to relocate, Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... shepherd ?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself. A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd" The young priest, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy," Well, then, who am I ?" The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug," I guess you must be a sheep dog" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... meant was, did you have any other income or expenses? Fine. Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can do some quick calculations. I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2009 tax? I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of language. [Author Unknown-from Dianne, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... checked with such grate flare, There are know faults in awl this peace, Of nun eye am a wear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud. That's why eye brake in two averse Cuz Eye dew want too please. Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye This soft wear four pea seas. [Author Unknown-from Jeff] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... clocks them traveling at 120 mph. The trooper radios ahead to another officer and says," You've got two vehicles headed your way and they're both doing over 120 mph"" 10-4 good buddy ," replies the fellow trooper." I'll get 'em" The first trooper hesitates a moment, then adds," And, you're not going to believe this. there's a guy following on a bicycle and he's honking to pass !" [Author Unknown-from Anonymous] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says," It is not good for man to be alone" He only ends up getting himself in trouble. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said," I can do better than that" [Author Unknown-from Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... your husband ever beat you up ?"" Yes ," she responded," about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked," Lady, why do you want a divorce ?"" Oh, I don't want a divorce ," she replied." I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
564. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Step On It. [Humor]
... the two guys tried to calm each other down and forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping." OH NO! He's back !" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror," WHAT NOW ?" The old man gently replied," You want some help getting out of the mud ?" [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... steam room altogether: I've seen two guys stay in there so long they looked like they should be dipped in butter. But if you go in and then come out again before anyone else, you will be considered less of a man. Unpoached, but less of a man. These rules may seem harsh, but just think of the alternative: Exercise.-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2004-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving" And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the man turns to his wife and barks," WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP !??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks," Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am ?" She replies," Only when he's been drinking" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... know that he is not always worthy of adoration" And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other. [Bruce Fischer-from Stan] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
568. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Why I Love Mom. [Humor]
... the accomplishment of her goals. About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular." I'm going to bed" And he did .without another thought. Any thing extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer? CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL. (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do !!!!) Now: GO TO BED! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
569. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Spam-O-Gram. [Humor]
... and turning their taste buds to your luscious wrists! Most joyously do I face the soup of your embalming of my sister. My beamings are upon all of the Suck companies, with wishes for continued integrity at every turn of the pipe. Yours most impeded .Bruce They never wrote back, but I'm sure the transfer is coming soon!~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2010 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is to hamper work. PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o-the-hill on their bed between 2 and 4 a.m. SUMMARY: Begin people training early. So you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to learn certain basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent! [Unknown-from John Traver (jhtraver @spiritone.com)-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... polite to tell the whole truth. AND My favorite one: QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing-Sat and Sun I rest! Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to. [Author Unknown-Jim, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... dog and cuddle-up to Jesus ' from time to time. Lets always remember that Jesus ' is there for us, during the good times or bad. Night or day, seek Him out, like this smart" Shepherd" dog did. Feel free to share this with your friends, to brighten their day, and to help everyone remember that Jesus is the reason for the season. Merry Christmas [Original source unknown-received from Rhonda S. Galizia] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , I've had a calf massage, and my toes positively twinkle. Energized, I decide to have salad for lunch and subscribe to a couple fashion magazines. And best of all, my daughter and I have bonded over something I've always longed for: an activity that cost me less than a hundred dollars.~Bruce Cameron~Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2010 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Three words: carpal paw syndrome. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears," You've Got Mail" It's too messy to" mark" every Web site he visits. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms. He can't stick his head out of Windows XP. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. You can train a dog. You can force a dog to take a bath. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... curving road that doubles as a runway. After unloading the medical supplies, you take a break from the sweltering heat, and have lunch in the shade of the make-shift hospital. You are eager to get to your next appointment. You return to your plane to find some very BIG cats (lions) in the shade of the wing." Now what should I do, Lord... ?" [A Fellow Pilot-from Web Servant, SkyWriting.Net] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness"" That Witch Doctor of Love I consulted was a fraud"" What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads ?"" I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck"" I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation"" Why aren't you thin ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
578. "Talented Rat" | HUMOR - Inspirational and Christian [Humor]
... stranger in exchange for the money." Are you insane ?" the bartender demanded." That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500, 000 !"" Don't worry about it" the man answered." The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist" [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired" The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog." Ten dollars ," the guy says." Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap ?"" Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff" [Author Unknown-from Scott, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
580. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Why, Why, Why? [Humor]
... try to keep the house as warm as it was in the Summer, when we complained about it being to hot? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE. Statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends-if they're okay, then. it's you. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
581. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Talking Turkey. [Humor]
... :" Nibble, nibble, nibble" A one-legged Cockney turkey "'Obble, 'obble, 'obble" A turkey who argues a lot:" Squabble, squabble, squabble" What does Dr. Seuss ' turkey say?" Tweedle, beetle, paddle, battle, puddle, wobble, hobble, gobble" Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went:" Wobble, wobble, wobble !" [Author Unknown-'Mikey's Funnies ' (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
582. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Survival Tips. [Humor]
... is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic. Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time. If you want to hide candy bars so you can eat them after the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled" Fish" Know when to leave the stage. Like right now. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , very casually, the" JAG" officer gave a friendly waved to the sharks, as they swam away from the island. The Chaplain said," That was a miracle !" The Doctor said," Medically, I don't understand how you could get the sharks to do that !" To which the JAG Officer replied," No big deal, it was just a matter of professional courtesy" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Addendum:" Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know" Proverbs 3: 5" A cheerful heart is good medicine" Proverbs 17: 22 [Author unknown-from Keith Todd-Ed: Anon] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? [Author Unknown-from Stephen, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog. Save a place in lines for your friends. Just keep banging until someone opens the door. Making your bed is a waste of time. Make up the rules as you go along. It doesn't matter who started it. Ask for sprinkles. Hang on tight. Ask" why" until you understand. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven." Does that answer your question, son ?" And he said," Not really, Dad" And I said," No ?" And he said," No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago ?". [Author Unknown-from Thomas Ellsworth, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... wish I had my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change ?! Anyone see where I left my scalpel? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? What do you mean you want a divorce ?! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
589. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Texas Triva. [Humor]
... comes from the Hasini Indian word" tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females). The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... : I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door. Before children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car, and trendy clothes.-After children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes. Before children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.-After children: I am thankful for my wonderful family. [by Debbie Farmer (familydaze @home.com)-from 'Heartwarmers '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... is going to be so surprised"" Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper"" Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night"" You too, Tiffany. Good night" The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin," This is going to be the easiest robbery ever !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
592. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Holiday. [Humor]
... celebrate the atheists ' holiday !" The ACLU lawyer pompously said," We are not aware of any such holiday for atheists-just when might that be, your honor ?" The judge said," Well it comes every year on exactly the same date-April 1st" The fool says in his heart," There is no God" Psalm 14: 1, Psalm 53: 1 [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
593. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Laws. [Humor]
... what has some. They gets more." Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug." Law of Drunkedness" You cannot fall off the floor." The Law of Management" The first myth of good management is that it exists." Osborne's Law" Variables won't-constants aren't." Washington's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... sucker" LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... know I could never love anyone else" Really means:" I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse"" You look terrific" Really means:" Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving"" I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" Really means:" No one will ever see us alive again" [Author Unknown-from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , but we wouldn't be caught dead saying"" When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you"" Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross"" You really shouldn't say 'I love you ' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget" [Contributed by: Jimmy & Jennifer-via Jeff Nickerson] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ?" That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says," You are very rich" That's Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say," I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback. [Author Unknown-from" Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List" (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... moving the fingers. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Irritated, he answers," Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House" She responds," Well all right I guess I'll come" The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Sandra." So, Gilda, tell me what's new ?"" I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving !" Gilda replies." The doctor ?" asks Sandra. Gilda replies," No. the other one" [Author Unknown-LABLaughs] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... known is DIARRHEA"" WHAT !?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response." Let me explain ," said the fourth man." You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I was TO LATE !" HE GOT THE JOB! [Author Unknown-from Kari, via 'Scream of the Crop ' (scream_of_the_crop @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ." I dunno ," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they ignore it, don't be to hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling His children, what makes you think you can do better than Him? [Author unknown] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... : No, don't do that. It's better when the dog is hungry. Me: But not the cat. When I let the dog back in, his accusing stare says it all: I know what you've been saying about me. He'll forgive me, though, as soon as I feed him.~Bruce Cameron~Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2010 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... (Age 62) Doesn't scare small children Remembers where bathroom is Doesn't require much money for upkeep Only snores lightly when awake, though loudly when asleep Remembers why he's laughing Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself Usually wears some clothes Likes soft foods Remembers where he left his teeth Remembers that it is a weekend What I Want in a Man-Revised List (Age 72 and over) A heartbeat. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate !!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:" I brought you into this world, and I can take you out" My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:" Stop acting like your father !" My mother taught me about ENVY:" There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do !" [Author Unknown-from 'Better Preaching Through Intimidation '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it" Adam asked God," What will a woman like that cost ?" God replied," An arm and a leg" Then Adam asked," What can I get for a rib ?" The rest is history. [Author unknown-from Denial] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked," What Happened here today ?" She again smiled and answered," You know every Day when you come home From work and you ask me what in the world I do all Day ?"" Yes ," was his incredulous reply. She answered," Well, today I didn't do it" [Author Unknown-Jim Tenn, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers !" I told nine-year-old Heather that someday we would have glorified bodies. She asked," Do you think we'll look like Barbie ?" One day my five-year-old grandson, Brett, who frequently went fishing with his dad, told his mother," If Grandma's going to heaven with us, God had better have a pretty big fishing rod to haul her in !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... offer, but just offer 900, 000" WOMAN:" OK. I'll see you later! I love you !" MAN:" Bye, I love you, too" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks:" Anyone know who this 'cell phone ' belongs to ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Jason's EMail ' (jubilate @clearsail.net ), via (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... and they now know where i am, so they'll use their planted spyware to send me lots of spam. i've had to quickly shut down, 'cos something froze the screen and when i turned it on again everything was green! now having trouble starting up, must be worse than it looks. is it a virus or a worm? oh well, back to reading books! [Author Unknown-from Helen and Hart Dowd (http :// occupytillicome.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
610. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Pessimist. [Humor]
... all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend," Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog ?"" I sure did ," responded the pessimist." He can't swim" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
611. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- What A Play! [Humor]
... and Schultz began throwing the ball back and forth. Finally, the runner made his break back to his last base, which happened to be home. Schultz tagged him and the umpire bellowed," You're out !" Schultz had only one question. He turned to the umpire and inquired innocently," What would you have done if he had been safe ?" [Author Unknown-Sports Illustrated, April 1971-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , he gave me a thumbs up." Did you see that awesome fall ?" he called. I pictured his mother's reaction when she saw what he had done to his last clean pants, and sighed. Maybe by the time the photographer got here, the only thing left to take a picture of would be our chalk outlines on the floor. [by W. Bruce Cameron 2000, 2003 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... church we're in. Of course, it's not a perfect church, That's simple to discern But you and I and all of us Could cause the tide to turn. What fools we are to flee our post In that unfruitful search To find at last where problems loom God proudly builds His church. So let's keep working in our church Until the resurrection. And then we each will join that church Without an imperfection. [Mavis Williams-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , that I ’ ll work myself out. There are skeptics among us, those crabby old tokens Who point out that resolutions are usually broken. They try to be downers and make a strong case That New Year ’ s intentions end up paving a warm place. But I still believe, still expect muscles sore After all, isn ’ t that what January is for?~Jackie Papandrew~Copyright 2011 All Rights Reserved Jackie Papandrew is an award-winning writer, syndicated humor columnist, coffee addict and mom to a motley crew of children and pets who provide a steady stream of column ideas and dirt. She's also wife to a very patient man who had no idea, years ago when he still had time to escape, what he was getting himself into. Visit her website at: JackiePapandrew.com [by Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2011, (me @jackiepapandrew.com)-submitted by: Jackie Papandrew] Inspirational Stories SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... sensible. After you've fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd better lie down for a while. Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins? Stage 6: Try gargling or something instead of just sitting around barking like a seal all evening! Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me ?!? Are you trying to give me pneumonia ?!? [Author Unknown-Gilbert, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... way. The other is to let her have it. LONGEVITY: Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... little bit, the Priest said" I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but the odds there" So the Rabbi interjects," And could you be anything higher than that? What is there higher than the Pope ?"" What !!! I should be the Messiah himself !?!" The Rabbi leaned back, smiled, and said," Well you know, one of our boys made it" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer-Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
619. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Mommy Test. [Humor]
... We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information." OH .I get it !" she beamed." So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy"" EXACTLY ," I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom. [Author Unknown-Rose, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... What women want in a man at age 62: Doesn't scare small children Remembers where bathroom is Doesn't require much money for upkeep Only snores lightly when asleep Remembers why he's laughing Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself Usually wears some clothes Likes soft foods Remembers where he left his teeth Remembers that it's the weekend What women want in a man at age 72: Breathing Doesn't miss the toilet [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears. U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's" dizzy" you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have -in my mind. [Author Unknown-from Andy Chap (andychaps_the-funnies @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... presenteth entertainment before me and keepeth me from doing important things with my family, it fills my head with ideas which differ from those set forth in the Word of God. Surely no good thing will come of my life because my TV offereth me no good time to do the will of God. Thus I will dwell in utter darkness with the servant who buried his talent. [Author Unknown-from Melba Stultz, via Dawn Henthorn, via Owen Lorion] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
624. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Attack Of The Killer Bunny (for childern and big kids too). [Humor]
... There is something to be said for turning the other cheek. But I found out that day, there is also something to be said for standing your ground. Becky never bothered Flower again. In fact, from then on, whenever I let her out the back door she would sit on the deck for a while, scanning the yard, making sure it was free of marauding bunnies. Flower had conquered. [by Sylvia Carroll-from 'Themestream '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... They will also be extremely hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and ambassadors of peace" Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed," What about balance, God? You said there would be balance" God smiled." There is another Washington. wait until you see the idiots I put there" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance !! Pass this on to everyone you know who has children. or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children. (the older the mother, the funnier this is !) GRANDCHILDREN: .God's reward for allowing your children to live. [Author Unknown-from Lorraine, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
627. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Barber [Humor]
... he returned to the barber shop." I thought $20 was high for a shave ", he told the barber's wife," but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back" The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded," You were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved !" [Author Unknown-E-Mail Ministry (emailministry @emailministry.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... man making contest" To which the scientist replied," Okay, great !" But God added," Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam" The scientist said," Sure, no problem ," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said:" No, no! You go get your own dirt !" [Author Unknown-from chaplain777 @hotmail.com] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... anything else you need to do while you are down there. You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down. Should you be fortunate enough to remember which direction you were going on the stairs, chances are good you won't remember why you were going up if you get to the top or going down if you get to the bottom. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5: 00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So, you'd better" e-mail this to a friend" NOW, before it is to late !!! [Author Unknown-from Huggybear60, via 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . I bet by now you're probably thinking that it would be a lot easier to just toss the leftovers in the garbage can or feed them to the dog. And, you're right. However, I'm going to celebrate by stocking up on plastic wrap and tin foil. Call it what you will, but, in the words of my friend Julie: a Thanksgiving without leftovers is just no Thanksgiving at all. [By: Debbie Farmer (www.familydaze.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
632. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Thank You, Lord [Humor]
... monotonous, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job. Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest, Thank you, Lord, for life. Addendum-Ephesians 5: 20 (GNB)" In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, always give thanks for everything to God the Father" [Author Unknown-from Stan and Harold] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
633. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Theme Park. [Humor]
... you to this hellish place. Brakes cut in and you slam to a stop. You gingerly touch your face to confirm it has fallen off." Wasn't that fun, dad ?" your kids ask." Why are you kissing the ground ?" At the end of the day, you let your teenager drive home. (After the theme park, you are impervious to fear) [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2000-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to ask for a*very big*sign, but just as he said," Oh God ," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned," HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT !" The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said," Well ?"" So ," shrugged one of the other rabbis," now it's 3 to 2" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
635. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Boat Ride. [Humor]
... had joined us in the boat. Our pants were soaked, and my daughter couldn't wait to tell her siblings that in the midst of drowning, I insisted on torturing her with algebra. Also, her shoes were" ruined ," so the twenty dollars I gave her would go toward a replacement pair. She borrowed the rest.~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2007, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... creates a sorta tie-dye effect in the water When you're at the beach, the suntan oil is free We no longer have to add oil to fry our shrimp Coating all the Louisiana swamps with oily sludge should certainly put a dent in the mosquito population Any wildlife that survive will evolve into some sort of super-animal No crowded Gulf Coast beaches this summer! Plenty of room for volleyball! [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... use the telephone" the boy stammers uncertainly. With a quick glance back at my daughter, he scampers out of the house." Oh, Dad, how could you do that ?" my daughter demands, whirling and bolting from the room. I stand there in the middle of the kitchen, scratching my head. How could I do WHAT? [by W. Bruce Cameron 2002-2003 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
638. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Couple. [Humor]
... problems, arthritis, jaundice ?" Pharmacist:" Yes, a large variety. The works" Jacob:" What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease ?" Pharmacist:" Absolutely" Jacob:" Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers ?" Pharmacist:" All speeds and sizes" Jacob:" We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry" [Author Unknown-from Daine, via Lab Laughs (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... my own Accord." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that" the roar of Moses ' Triumph is heard in the hills" Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:" Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land" And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda." The Apostles were in one Accord" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the societal ills we might associate with bread. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to young children) may be used to promote bread usage. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please pass this message on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue. Remember: Think globally, act idiotically. [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... tongues." This should fix you up" The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works..." Everything seems to be normal" Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all." I'd like to run some more tests" I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to her mother. 9" of new snow predicted. December 31-I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8-Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But wonder why I am tied to the bed? Keep Smiling... Enjoy the Season! [Peggie C. Bohanon-from 'fun-n-faith ' (Found on the Net)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to get out of her chair to rush and tell the hostess all about it. However, before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said," What a beautiful cake !" Alice could only sit back in her chair and watch, when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say:" Thank you, I baked it myself" [Author Unknown-from 'Mountain Wings ' (wings @mountainwings.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... off the grill and puts it on a plate for the woman. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed" her night off from cooking ?" And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... grass. Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay, black) Special order colors are available (dun, gray, palomino) and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available (overo, tobiano, blanket, leopard). No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
646. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- The Bricklayer [Humor]
... , however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And then. Note: I doubt that this is a true story-it sounds more like a cartoon. I certainly don't feel we should laugh at someone else's misfortune. [Author Unknown-from 'The Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are*not*a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. CAMERON: Momma?~Bruce Cameron~[ By: W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2005-{ used with permission}] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... throw one away, And play in the mud until the end of the day! When I'm an old lady and live with my kids. And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan," She's so sweet when she's sleeping !" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
650. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Son To Israel. [Humor]
... son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons ?"" Brothers, we must take this to the Lord ," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated:" Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too" Passenger:" An amazing fellow. How did you meet him ?" Cabbie:" Well, I never actually met Moishe" Passenger:" Then how do you know so much about him ?" Cabbie:" I married his widow" [Author Unknown-from Eva Young] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... will be. Life is what you make it. Cross your bridges when you come to them. Forewarned is forearmed. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. One man's meat is another man's poison. With age comes wisdom. Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings. The more, the merrier. Two's company; three's a crowd [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
653. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Computer Woman. [Humor]
... have their own rules about the way to live and do things, some are very quirky and arbitrary and even nasty if you don't behave as they think you should. Some are great fun to be with. No general rules about these. MAC WOMAN: They have a superior attitude, which may or may not be justified. A minority group, they tend to seek other like minded people. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
654. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Computer Wife. [Humor]
... has a new pastor, the president has been impeached, and oh yes. and I have a new job! Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself, honey. We all miss you very much, and look forward to seeing you again. next time. the power goes off!: )) Love, Your Husband [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
655. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cooking Terms. [Humor]
... the food is removed, but when it is put in the oven. Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. [Author Unknown-from Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. Editor: Although this is suppose to be a joke, some might find it to be more truth than fiction. [Author Unknown-from Al Ashman] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
657. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Country Doctor. [Humor]
... a patient buys my tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is doing some good"" Then, in a few weeks I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure they're in good health. I also tell them to bring in a urine specimen-and that's how I get my bottles back !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
658. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Counting Sheep. [Humor]
... . Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation" The man says sure." You are an economist for a government think tank ," says the shepherd." Amazing !" responds the man," You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that ?"" Well ," says the shepherd," put down my DOG and I will tell you" [Author Unknown-Submitted by: Lauraine, via The Twisted Straw.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind. I've even used the internet But nothing could I find. I asked Jeeves in desperation My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found online. So, if someday in your 'InBox ' My Grandpa you should see. Please 'Scan, 'Copy ' and 'Paste ' him In an E-mail back to me. [Author Unknown-from WITandWISDOM (witandwisdom @lists.tagnet.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. [Author Unknown-from 'Bill's Punch-Line ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Flags. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you. Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the Raiders. When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh. You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels" sticky ," and you notice the sky is no longer blue. [Author Unknown-from Mike Hillman, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... full._Could not be located last Saturday night._Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training. Parties:_I don't inhale_I only go to meet people_Haven't been to one since this morning. Hope you:_Miss me_Can live without me_Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence Salutation:_Your Daughter,_Your Son, [Author Unknown-Patricia, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. After the Game: NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game. Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
664. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Come In. [Humor]
... his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot," Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'come in ' ?" Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, Sic him !" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... perfect love once you pass this chance. The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did not have to explain his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered:" Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the person of my dreams" [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys that have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company (or church) policy begins. [Author unknown-received from Chris Long at 'Laugh & Lift ' (www.laughandlift.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... no match for Natural Stupidity! A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. Two days without a Human Rights Violation! Your job is still better than asking," You want fries with that ?" If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never quit until you have another job. The floggings will continue until morale improves! [Thelly-from 'arizona_humor-owner @yahoogroups.com '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
668. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Country Wisdom. [Humor]
... critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. Don't go huntin ' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug. You can't unsay a cruel thing. Every path has some puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. And don't name a pig, calf or goat you plan to eat. [Author Unknown-from Harveythefrogprince, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... shot from the bunker! He retrieved the ball and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and said, very calmly," Honey, well we managed to salvage that hole, and I'm sure we can do better on the next hole" To which she replied," I certainly hope so! And just remember, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
670. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dear Santa. [Humor]
... monkey. Dear Boy: A monkey? You cannot have a monkey. Dear Chris Crumple: I'm the only kid in my school without a pet. But Son, I refuse to believe anybody in your school has a monkey. It is illegal. Dear Santa Laws: Well then can I have a guinea pig? Dear Son: Well. we'll see.~Bruce Cameron~[ By: W. Bruce Cameron 2005-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Johnny P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? [Author Unknown-from 'JokeBank '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the results. [Author Unknown-from Murphy Hunt, via 'Good, Clean Funnies List ' (GCFL.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... see the TV on, the father urges the scientist to give the canine some food to shut it up. It gobbles up the treat without appearing to chew and immediately commences barking again. More food is dispensed. Step Ten: The dog has discovered that if it wants a treat, it need only to bark. This is called" conditioned response" Pavlov would be proud. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2001-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one long look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this message on the screen: DEAREST WIFE, JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. [Author Unknown-from Julie] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
675. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Deep Trouble. [Humor]
... budget. The simple instructions enclosed-aren't. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
676. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Deep Thoughts. [Humor]
... hear any father-in-law jokes? Why do men forget everything and women remember everything? Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things, right? Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to? [Author Unknown-from Keith Todd (ajokeaday7 @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
677. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dear Boss. [Humor]
... Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition. Day 5:" Those Marvelous Morays" This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef. We hope you will enjoy your trip! Your loyal and loving employees. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... struck by a bolt of inspiration! Running to the living room he carefully removed the little Mother Mary figure from the family's manger scene, and then he carefully wrapped it in a sock, placing it in his top drawer. Returning to his desk, he took out a clean piece of paper and began to write:" Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your Mother again" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of the bills were fake, Cartwright fled, leaving all the cash behind. Upon returning home, she had her boyfriend, Carl Weston, 24, call the police, and ask if they could come by the station, and claim the money she'd left behind, that wasn't fake. The cops said," Sure ," Cartwright and Weston were arrested, when they arrived at the police station. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
680. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Creek Jumping. [Humor]
... " Ok dad ," replied the son. Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and. well you know the rest. He came home again soaked. His dad said," I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek !"" I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... on." That would be the usher ," Charlie explained." Well, the usher led me down the chute ," Joe said." You mean the aisle ," Charlie said." Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there ," Joe continued." Pew ," Charlie retorted." Yeah ," recalled Joe." That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her" [Author unknown-from Andy Chap] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
682. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Crying. [Humor]
... The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy. Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked," Why are you crying, my son ?" The man said," Lord I work for the public school system". and the Lord sat down and cried with him! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's" 2-something" or" 3-something" The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... finally said," Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead ?" The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking," Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first !" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
685. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dat Dog. [Humor]
... why I married you" Boudreaux took the dog, drove all around and zig zagged a lot then dumped the dog out. He started back home but pulled over and parked and called Clothilde on his cell phone." Has dat dog come back yet ?" Clothilde answered," Yes, he just came in" Boudreaux said," Well, put him up to da phone-I'm lost" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... 2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in one's underwear. ZERO: (n) The number of times you've gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered. ZOO: (n) What dorms would look like if they were a little neater. ZOOLOGY: (n) The study of animal life (See:" Frat boys at Homecoming "). [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , 000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested." Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says," I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn oath to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... do you do at Christmas ?" Isaac said," Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we Drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all The empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas" [by: Jeff Foxworthy-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me. After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces. A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
690. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cat Quiz. [Humor]
... to 8 yes answers: Moderate-working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there. 9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme-just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself. 14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here !) Addicted and proud of it, I say! [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the crud, While they pierced me with long needles Taking samples of my blood. Doctors came to check me over, Probed and pushed and poked around, And to make sure I was living They then wired me for sound. They have finally concluded, Their results have filled a page. What I have will someday kill me; My affliction is OLD AGE! [Author Unknown-from Paul E. Sanders (psanders @iwon.com ), via 'Bills-Punch-Line '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked," Now, where are your mittens ?" He said," I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots" The teacher will be eligible for parole in three years. [Author Unknown-Rose, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised." And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)" Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him." Well ," said the boy," I KNOW the answer must be JESUS. but it sounds like a squirrel to me !" [Circle Joke List] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the way, Son, I too have a BILL OF RIGHTS, That goes into effect today. What's the matter, why are you crying? What are you doing down on your knees? You mean you are asking God to help you, Instead of C. S. D? Addendum-Ephesians 6: 2 (NIV)" Honor your father and mother-which is the first commandment with a promise.." [Anonymous-from Ronald] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
695. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cat Person. [Humor]
... .you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the cat-box. .you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal. .you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers. .you are lost for conversation with non-cat people. .you meow so well, you confuse the cats. .you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore .at length. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
696. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cat Laws. [Humor]
... immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter+Antimatter+It Doesn't Matter. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying: You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish. [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... It's probably that human I have to share my house with, or the dog's fault! WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that weird dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars. HOME PAGE: My papers-newspapers, that is, that I used before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think they were the" Wanted: DOG" ads. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
699. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Casual Day. [Humor]
... review the chapter" You Are What You Wear" and consult the" home casual" versus" business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. [Author Unknown-from Lorraine, via 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded," What happened, Father ?" All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost! Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you! The priest nodded wisely and said" That's the problem with you Protestants. you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
702. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cat In Heaven. [Humor]
... roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him," How are things since you got here ?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies," It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels ' you've been sending by are the best !" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
703. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- "Cat Food". [Humor]
... the ladies suddenly blurted out," You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband ?" The wife stoically replied," I didn't kill him. He fell out of a tree, while trying to catch a bird" [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)-Ed: Anon] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you"" Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave ," said Johnny." I asked Him to help you put up with me" ~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying:" Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am. [Unknown-From: Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resigning. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in:" Why Not Tonight" Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist:" What A Friend We Have In Jesus" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... buildings Is run over by a locomotive Is not issued ammunition Dog paddles Talks to walls SUPERVISOR Runs into buildings Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times Wets himself with a water pistol Can't stay afloat without a life preserver Mumbles to himself SECRETARY Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance She is God [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
707. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Civil Servants. [Humor]
... them to four. Four civil servants full of loyalty, Their jobs were all advertised-then there were three. Three civil servants under review, One left on secondment-then there were two. Two civil servants coping on the run, One went on stress leave-then there was one. The last civil servant agreed to relocate, Replaced by 10 contract workers at twice the hourly rate. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
708. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Church Steeple. [Humor]
... When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap. Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words:" REPAINT AND 'THIN ' NO MORE !" [Author Unknown] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the students" You have 1 hour on-the-clock to complete the exam" The professor then proceeded to collect all the erasers from around the room he could find, and then gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully" jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the exam and collected all the exam papers. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
710. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Class Reunions. [Humor]
... my old hearing aid; My pacemaker's been turned up on high. My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled; And I've bought a new wig and glass eye. I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party, I'll dance until dawn's early light. It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one Other person can make it that night. [Author Unknown-from Christine, via William Brabant (bbrabant @sault.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You help Your dog chase its tail. You soak Your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when You're parked. You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. [Author Unknown-from JokeBank] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
712. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cleaning Poem. [Humor]
... I was just admiring my work. I didn't mean to 'click ' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into. I was into it all night. « Sigh » Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess. While I sit here on my hiney. [Author Unknown-from 'Scream of the Crop ' (scream_of_the_crop @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
713. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Church Signs. [Humor]
... a song, they give him $100" The third boy says," I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money !" Addendum-Proverbs 17: 22 (NRSV)" A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones" [Original source unknown-from Ken and Cathie] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said," I'll take him and him and him" [Author Unknown-Received from Skipp LeMay, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... up at the top"" I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"" You've just wound 'em around and around-I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year ?"" Have you been drinking ?!!?"" Okaaay! Looks like we're*finally*done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey .wait a minute, where's the cat ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... need to know to be a first rate choir member. 4 or more B's .your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir. 4 or more C's .your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to almost any choir. 4 or more D's .it is recommended you take-up soccer or get group therapy counseling. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Christmas time? A: Because so many people ring them. Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time? A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say. Q: What can't words say? A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear then what words can't say. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... in the church's bulletin:" The May meeting of the church finance committee will be hell as usual" Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the rec. hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference:" The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals" [Original source and author unknown-From: Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Trap-You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run-Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. Flex Defense-The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Halfback Option-The decision of 50 %of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz-The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer. [Author Unknown-from 'The Funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... walks into buildings, almost drowns in the bathtub and mumbles to himself. The Church Secretary Catches speeding bullets in her teeth, chews them up and uses them for staples, could stare a locomotive off its tracks, if a building gets in her way, she just knocks it off its foundation, parts the water to walk through on dry ground and when God calls she asks who is calling and puts him on hold. [Author unknown-from Denial] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
721. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Deer Hunting. [Humor]
... with mud. 6: 38 P.M. Dirty my pants. 6: 39 P.M. Climb a tree. 9: 00 P.M. Bear departs-I wrap gun around the tree. MIDNIGHT Home at last. Sunday Following church services, watch ball game on TV, while tearing hunting license into pieces, place them into an envelope and mail to Game Warden-then I promise God I'll never hunt again. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to cure DND or discover what exactly causes it, we as mothers and fellow sufferers can still help one another to recognize the illness and learn to live in harmony with it. The next time you hear yourself shouting," CLAUDIA-CODY-BETSY-LOGAN-JILL. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! GET IN HERE !", you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that mothers all over the world are doing the same thing. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough-Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... compositions reports and things like that we use commas. to keep a string of items apart. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. Avoid unnecessary redundancy. A writer mustn't shift your point of view. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with. Avoid cliches like the plague. [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
725. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Engineers. [Humor]
... frog asked," WHAT is the matter with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and I will do anything you want. WHY won't you kiss me ??" The engineer replies," Look, I'm an engineer. I simply don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog... now, that's really cool" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ! With a loud slam of the door that technically isn ’ t hers, she retreats. I expect that soon she ’ ll shift tactics, requesting money for unobjectionable things (like books) that will wind up in her Euro-Disney budget. It ’ s what she ’ s learning to do in college.~Bruce Cameron~Copyright 2010 All Rights Rerserved [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2010 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies.yahoogroups com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... not" Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked," Why did you let him do that ?" The Lord smiled and replied," Who is he going to tell ?" [Author Unknown-Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League 100 Senators = Not 1 decision [Author Unknown-forwarded: Dan Acuff, via Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... me. Unless he works for the government, a man has to have principles, and here are mine: Chocolate should be light, sweet, and wonderful. Cakes should contain flour, sugar, butter, and dimes. That's just how it is. I'm sure you'll join me in wishing my Aunt Pat a speedy recovery.~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2008, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-submitted by: Bruce Cameron] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
732. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Elephants. [Humor]
... the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants [Author Unknown-from Mark, via 'Scream of the Crop ' (screamofcrop @cfl.rr.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistels were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Five-year-olds actually do say," deliver us some email" during the Our Father rather than" deliver us from evil"" It's getting so bad ," I said to my colleague," that pretty soon if you forget your contribution envelope, there'll be one of those credit card slides in your pew so you can charge it"" You mean your parish still uses envelopes ?" he asked. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
735. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Elevator Rules. [Humor]
... last drag off their cigarette putting it out then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped inside. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the balloon is a strong temptation. I would rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs alone! [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of a loaves-and-fishes thing. They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds. and fourths. You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks. You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run. Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats. [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project !"" I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions"" We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the boss ' daughter finishes her summer classes" [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little agreement at last year's Christmas party. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands. The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot. Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
741. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Feline Physics. [Humor]
... must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
742. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Farming -- USA. [Humor]
... business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically Yours, A soon to be Gentleman Farmer. P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese? [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
743. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Farmer Joe. [Humor]
... hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said," Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling ?" It was then that I said," I'm fine" [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out and looks at the man and it IS the old man !!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says," Omigosh! Is there anything I can do for you ?" The old man whispers in the young man's ear," Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror !" [Author Unknown-submitted by: Alfred H. Dill] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to a son, and will call him Immanuel" Several HUNDRED years later... Matthew 1: 23" The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel-which means, 'God with us" I hope you all have a" true" Merry Christmas, and joyfully give thanks for the priceless gift God gave us. WHAT ARE YOU GIVING GOD? [Original source and author unknown.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
746. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- First Kiss. [Humor]
... the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says:" Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button !" [Author Unknown-Thomas S. Ellsworth (tellswor @slonet.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , atheist or gay dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any another country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. The Seattle Times, The Austin American Statesman and Nashville Tennessean are read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in. [Author Unknown-from Dianne, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " Pull the pin and count to what ?"" Rat poison only kills rats"" So, you're a cannibal"" Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing"" That's odd"" These are the good kind of mushrooms"" This doesn't taste right"" What does this button do ?"" Which wire was I supposed to cut ?" [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to me like that"" My God preacher, that you ?"" Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk"" You OK preacher ?"" Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me"" You better let Him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill Him" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... alternate) Run after dog-pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable. Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to" French Kiss" you when you least expect it. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Jumping on the bandwagon Balancing the books Running around in circles Eating crow Tooting my own horn Climbing the ladder of success Pulling out the stops Adding fuel to the fire Opening a can of worms Putting my foot in my mouth Starting the ball rolling Going over the edge Picking up the pieces Happy Exercising!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful. [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
753. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Explain God. [Humor]
... "" It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids"" But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases"" And that's why I believe in God" [by: Danny Dutton (age 8)-from Sarra] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Men are like portable heaters that snore. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say," Oh, my, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo" Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Question: What does the term" lava" mean? Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar GEOGRAPHY Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country? Answer: Malaria GEOGRAPHY Question: Name one famous Greek landmark. Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse HISTORY Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed? Answer: At the bottom. [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
756. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Facts Of Life. [Humor]
... , Jesus would have only had ten disciples! I don't approve of political jokes .I've seen too many of them get elected. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, so you might as well keep the first one. Travel is very educational. I can now say" Kaopectate" in seven different languages. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a wimp, I'm sure he'd be afraid to put the power pole in front of my picture window. Ah, the feeling of power.... that is until I got home that evening and found out they put the electrical pole directly in the middle of my driveway. Sooo, a word to the wise, be careful what you say to the nice folks at the power company. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock-Early Bird Special) FWB: Friend With Betablockers FYI: For Your Indigestion. JK: Just Kvetching TTYL: Talk To You Louder MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out LWO: Lawrence Welk's On MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor SUK: Speak Up, Kid WIWYA: When I Was Your Age GOML: Get Off My Lawn [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... especially if your human is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, your human will love you in return. [Author Unknown-from Mark Miller] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
760. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dog-er-cise. [Humor]
... alternate) Run after dog-pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable. Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to" French Kiss" you when you least expect it. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house Tolerate children Turn on your charm big time. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO 'NOT ' BITE HIM !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments ' (TheBible @USA.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... throat to wash down pill. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill wedged under your right eyelid. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. Arrange for SPCA to find and pick-up the mutant cat from hell. Then call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. [Author unknown-from Jake, via Jeff Nickerson] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Pointer = Moot Point, owned by. oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie+Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you Bloodhound+Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun Pointer+Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Collie+Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport [Author Unknown-from ArcaMax Jokes, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
764. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dog Dictionary. [Humor]
... . Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
765. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dog Credit. [Humor]
... words I normally don't like my dog to hear. He manages to chew while he runs. When I finally pick up the phone again, the telemarketer has hung up. I decide it doesn't matter -why do I need a picture of a dog with a bird in its mouth when I already have the real thing at home?~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2007, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... insulting one of their staunchest members. The dog hadn't caused any trouble, they pointed out, and the dog had been accompanying the man to church for years. After the service, the pastor called to apologize." Don't worry about it, Pastor ," the man said." It all worked out okay. I wouldn't have had my dog hear that sermon for anything in the world" [Original source and author unknown-From: Stan M.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... cat as well? Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along? When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them? Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on theinstead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it? [Author Unknown-from Kelli, via 'ScreamOfTheCrop '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
768. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Diary Of A Cat. [Humor]
... to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. [Author unknown-from 'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ," You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (pointing to the farmer ), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else ?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls," Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me. I've been married to your sister for 36 years !" [Unknown Author-from Denial] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
770. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dental Help. [Humor]
... The speaker said," They fit perfectly" With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him." I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist" The man replied," I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker" [Author Unknown-from 'Bills-Punch-Line '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... *en*tinez dae) n.-A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and ro-mance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.-Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
772. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Diet Excuses. [Humor]
... sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles. [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... nodded, squinting into the distance. He raised the mail flag, igniting the retrorockets strapped to his back. He throttled to full power and then dropped the flag, firing off into space with his arms outstretched like Superman. He was nowhere in sight when, half an hour later, I went out to get the mail.-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1999, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. [Author Unknown-Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
775. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dog Food Diet. [Humor]
... particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital? I said no. I'd been sitting in the street licking my 'behind ' when a car hit me. The tall guy in line behind her was laughing so hard I thought he was going to have to be carried out the door. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
776. "Dog Lovers" | HUMOR - Inspirational and Christian [Humor]
... down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore. Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself. Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog. [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
777. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dumb People. [Humor]
... All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter. A few bricks shy of a full load. [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... another picture of handcuffs. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
779. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Duct Tape. [Humor]
... / cliff / tree, just cover yourself in duct tape-sticky side out. Tape your cat's paws together when you bathe it so you don't get scratched all to pieces. Two words: Hair removal! Ouch! A downspout on your house (not a repair mind you, an actual downspout). A" flashy" new suit for Sunday Church (yes, I've seen this one for real). [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed. See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before anyone catches you. Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room. Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration, that I have attained, is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile. SPECIAL NOTE: Bob's funeral was on Saturday, June 15th. Nancy was acquitted Monday, June 17th. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
782. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Eating Worms. [Humor]
... saw the plate. Everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool said," Ok, now eat !" Josh refused as he sobbed," No way! You ate my half !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... road? A: Because it was the chicken's day off. Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants? A: A smarty pants. Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken? A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg! Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? A: A receding hareline. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
784. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Drug Problem. [Humor]
... , she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place. God bless the parents who drug us to where we should be. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
785. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Driver's Test. [Humor]
... where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're the type of person we all like to ride with. Well, all of us except your mother, because" you're going too fast! Watch out for that car in front of you! You're going to kill us all !" 36-45 Points Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive defensively? You're the reason! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this beautiful woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said:" What have I done to deserve this ?" The woman responded:" I don't know about you, but I hit a duck" [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
787. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dog Therapy. [Humor]
... health insurance carrier. On the way home, I tested my new language skills." Duchess, when you pull your head in from out the car window and sneeze all over me, it makes me unhappy because I don't like dog slobber on my face"" See ?" my daughter praised." Was that so hard ?"~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2004, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. When the Officer says" Gee Son. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking ?" You probably shouldn't respond with," Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts ?" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ) the heavy ball used in the sport of curling Rowel a) the spinning star on a cowboy's spur b) a small oar c) a tool used in the application of brick mortar Wamble a) stomach rumbling b) the unsteady gait of inebriation c) the short, sharp feeling of warmth you get right after shivering The answer to each of the above questions is:" a )"! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
790. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Dried Peas. [Humor]
... as he had been the week before." Hey ," said the first." How is it that you are walking so freely? Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes ?"" Of course I did ," said the other." How could I disobey the Rabbi ?" He started to walk away, paused, and then said," But I boiled them first" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
791. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Don't Despair. [Humor]
... . The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied," That's the fifty bucks you have coming. 'Don't Despair ' paid 10-1" [Author unknown-'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
792. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Castaway. [Humor]
... on this island. There is No food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die" Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said," Don't make me say this again. I make $100, 000 per week. I pay a 10 %tithe to the church. My pastor WILL find us !" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
793. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- "Car Accident". [Humor]
... before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way"" Well ", said the Software Engineer," Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again" [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. I've run away to join a different circus. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Steve. [Author Unknown-from Kevin Aurelio, via 'Mikey's Funnies ' (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
795. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Aussie Speak. [Humor]
... To be fired from a job. Shiela-Female Shoot Through-To leave or disappear. Strewth-An exclamation, often of surprise. Thongs-Rubber sandals. Togs-A set of clothes. Tucker-Food. Australian schools call their canteens a 'tuckshop ' Winge-Complain and carry on unnecessarily. Wog-An illness such as the flu. Yakker-Work-usually hard work. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... dust. One guy was hiding under a blanket in the driver's seat with his foot flat to the floor on the burnt out brakes and the other guy had kicked the windscreen out and with a broken bottle, was lying across the hood of the car trying to cut the tow rope. Both looked like red mudmen and it is possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen in the Territory to date. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Virtual reality is its own reward. Modulation in all things. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. There's no place like home.com Know what to expect before you connect. Oh, what a tangled web-site we weave when first we practice. Speed thrills. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken's Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. Happy Thanksgiving... from our house. [by: Barbara A. Tyler, Copyright 2000 (batyler65 @earthlink.net)-from Barbara A. Tyler] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will. VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good. EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. [Author Unknown-from 'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
801. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- At the DMV. [Humor]
... the guy in the cubbyhole next to me hisses." What's the Gross Vehicle Weight for a car shaped like a hot dog ?"" With or without the bun ?" I shoot back. He gives me a panicked expression. After failing the test, I wind up in another line. Waiting for the pay phone. To call for a ride home.~Bruce Cameron~[ By: W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2005-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... When's it gonna be ?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied," It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day" Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked," Well, please don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much. If she hears about it she'll wanna go all three days" [Author Unknown-from 'Bill's Punch Line ' (tcmrtalk @mail.airmail.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... that old thermostat war. When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go right. Then you get his great symphonic snore. He was once so romantic, and witty and smart. How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old fart? So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets. Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to him, just as nice as you can! Or he'll compress HIS mouth! Like he's cleaning a spoon! Next thing you know, HE will look like a prune! It's best you share a life, full of laughter and love, until we get home to Heaven above! Because if you're not careful, to always laugh through the ouches, you will both wind up just a couple of grouches! [by Dot Wilson-from 'Themestream '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Cyclamates'll too Red dye'll stain your innards And give you Green Gomboo. Salt'll boost blood pressure up. Pepper makes you sneeze. Florides freckle up your teeth, And knobby-up your knees Pork'll give trichinosis Which makes your muscles balk. Rabbit'll" tootleream" you Or cause your jaws to lock. So don't partake of nothin ' And you won't die. I guess. Everything is dangerous. Some more and some less. [Wallace McRae-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
806. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Are You Normal? [Humor]
... up at a yellow light. 1 / 3 of us don't wear seat belts. 12 %of men never use their car blinkers. 44 %of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. 25 %of us drive after we've been drinking. 4 out of 5 sing in the car. Are you more normal or less normal than you thought you were? [by: B. Kanner-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
807. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Arizona. [Humor]
... Forgot to crack the window and blew the darn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix the windshield, and said," Hot enough for you today ?" My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Arizona !! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here ?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes" [Author Unknown-from arizona_humor-owner @yahoogroups.com-Ed: Arizona native] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Stay off the MIR space station. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. Associate with even worse business clients. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. Not take spaceship rides behind comets. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison. Wait around for opportunity. Focus on the faults of others. Mope about my faults. Never make New Year's resolutions again. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... south or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insects or animals. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports. If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from GA-and those who just wish they were! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " to the machine:" Kids everywhere know me; I come every year; The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer; But you won't get anything-that's plain to see; Too bad your programmers forgot about me" Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug," Merry Christmas to All" as he pulled out the plug! [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel, via 'Scream of the Crop ' (scream_of_the_crop @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying." A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file," But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a while" And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota," He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota" [Author Unknown-submitted by George Nobler, via Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
812. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Kiss. [Humor]
... and the party of the second part have reached a mutually beneficial understanding that two (2) pair of lips shall co-exist in, for all practical purposes, the same space and time for a temporary period" POLITICAL SCIENCE" A kiss is that which will cost your career if experienced with anyone other than your spouse" ENGINEERING" I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with that word" [Author Unknown-from Dianne, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck? The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM !! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him." Go see if that was a duck, will you? [Author Unknown-from 'AndyChaps The Funnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, my claws they are prickly For the morning's here and it's time to play I always seem to get my way. Oh thank you Lord for this day. And thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night! [Author Unknown-from 'Funny Bone '-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
816. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Lesson. [Humor]
... ?" Mr. Crow shouted back down," I don't see why not !" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In less than 30 minutes a fox came along and ate the rabbit. The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but ONLY if you are really high up. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way:" How was your meal TODAY, sir ?" The old Jew replies:" It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It should be such a simple change for you. Sincerely, The Person Who Lives Here (and buys your food). [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin. And we'll never mention our short shrunken frames When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, when the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, I simply remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. I SIMPLY REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD, AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOOO BAAAAD. [Author Unknown-Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world. Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life. Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world. [Source: Sunday Funnies, (www.net153.com / best.htm)-from 'WIT and WISDOM '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a leisurely pace, But I waited 'til the last minute. It seemed like a race. They said 'Exchange names between family and friends. Start new traditions so excessive gift giving ends ' They suggested I make gifts rather than buy. Now I'm in debt. I just want to cry. A lesson can be learned from the tale told here. Start saving and plan early for next year! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . to remind you to list your blessings every day. Tea Bag. to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings. This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day Wishing you 365 days of love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, warm feelings in your heart and soaring with the eagles. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
823. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Cowgirl. [Humor]
... , but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss" The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs." Oh, no, everybody's just fine ," she explains," It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking"" It hasn't affected my sisters though" [Author Unknown-from (TNunn34119 @aol.com ), via (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by. And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night in the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite! Try my seafood diet, I see food, I eat it. [Suz and AllWorld's Jokes Archive-from Jeff Nickerson] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But, they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed MY blessing? [Tina Gunther (tina_gunther @peter.biola.edu)-from 'Bills-Punch-Line '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Get a watch. One+one = two. Try to remember that. Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science. If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint. For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times. April 1st is Your special high holy day. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
827. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- A Dog's Life [Humor]
... prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man"-Mark Twain" Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane"-Smiley Blanton" I've seen a look in dogs ' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts"-John Steinbeck [Author Unknown-from 'Jokes Central ' (jokes777 @hotmail.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised, To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Behind the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set, And then the devilish tyke Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear." Please use the other hole, We're painting under here !" [Author Unknown-from andychaps_the-funnies] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I finally reach the page That promises relief, I'm staring at a document That's far beyond belief. For, where there should be answers To frequently asked questions And online help and knowledge-bases, Is naught but indigestion. For, there in type italics, Underlined and bold, Is the number for The help desk phone. I should have stayed on hold! [by Jim Sterne-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life ' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do ' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School ' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car" [Author Unknown-from Sherry, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of children. ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS-For indoor or outdoor use only. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR-Not to be used for the other use. ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS-Warning: contains nuts. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS-Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW-Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. [Author Unknown-received from Chris Long (chris @laughandlift.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff"" I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck"" Is the basement upstairs ?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)" I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... never doubted it would"" But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off ?"" Bernie ," the Rabbi intoned," I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once-NOT ONCE-has the matzoh broken on the perforation !!! [Author Unknown-Rose, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
836. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Ads Gone Wrong. [Humor]
... Stock up and save. Limit: one. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross medical insurance and salary. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... age: -Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 years of age: -That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 years of age: -Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 years of age: -Before we decide, let's get mom's opinion. 45 years of age: -Wonder what mom would have thought about it? 65 years of age: -Wish I could talk it over with mom. [Author Unknown-from Sermon_Fodder] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
838. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- About Golf. [Humor]
... and your personality might not be right for golf .it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand? Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... I'd rather not be counseling" Refer them to a helpful article in your favorite professional journal: the National Enquirer. Suggest counseling by fax machine. In front of the counselee, phone your spouse and ask for his or her opinion on what to do. Recite tales of people who are a lot worse off, and call the counselee a crybaby. Engage the counselee's mother-in-law as a co-therapist. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies ' (Andychap @aol.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making" vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway. You keep losing dates on left turns. Your gas gauge measures in cubits. Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups. It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it. [Author Unknown-from 'Cleanlaugh -Pastor Tim '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... overeat. The smoke alarm was due for a test. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout. You'll get to the desserts even quicker. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches. [Author Unknown-from 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
842. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- 1950's Wives. [Humor]
... talk first. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. My how times have changed.... [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
843. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- 50 Plus. [Humor]
... is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 50+year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+year olds when they enter antique stores? A:" I remember these". [Author Unknown-from Mary Jane, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy." Don't you remember being that age ?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?~Bruce Cameron~[ By: W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2005-{ used with permission}] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... we see the baby now ?"" No, not yet ," replied the mother sternly. Growing very impatient, they asked," Well, when CAN we see the baby ?"" WHEN HE CRIES !" she told them." WHEN HE CRIES ??" they demanded." Why do we have to wait until he CRIES ??"" BECAUSE. I forgot where I put him !" [Author Unknown-from Marialyce, via Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
846. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Age. [Humor]
... brown, With the help of Miss Clairol; Sure I ’ ve lost a little bit, But still I am not bald. I don ’ t look bad for 65; Years have been kind to me. I don ’ t look bad for 65, But then I ’ m only 43.~Joyce Guy~[ by: Joyce Guy (Joy Of Art Shop)-Copyright 2004 (jguy453 @bellsouth.net)-submitted by: Joyce Guy] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG !!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail. Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER IF I SENT IT OR NOT !!! [Author Unknown-from Gary Ivan, via Tim Davis] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750, 000. to each. Last year business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars"" So what ?" shouted Benny." Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're going to find me ," smiled Dr. Eskin. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... said the centipede." Who stopped the rhino ?"" Uh, that was me too" said the centipede." And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss ?"" Well, that was me as well ," said the centipede." SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF ?" demanded the coach." Well" said the centipede," I was having my ankles taped" [Author Unknown-from posts @cybersaltlists.org] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of roof is actually the driveway. This explains a lot. Five-thirty: Though my wife seems unhappy there are so many pieces of plastic left over, I'm done. I fall into bed and drop instantly to sleep, not moving until my children wake up fifteen minutes later." Santa brought us a Barbie Dream House with an outdoor kitchen !" they shriek happily. Merry Christmas. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2002-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right. real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... teacher for the third time this year-Press 8 To complain about the bus transportation-Press 9 To complain about school lunches-Press 0 If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be held accountable for his or her own behavior, class work, and homework; and that it's not the teachers fault for your child (ren )'s lack of effort-hang-up and have a nice day! [Author unknown-from Keith Todd] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
853. "" | HUMOR - Inspirational and Christian [Humor]
... I quit because I wasn't a very good golfer. I consistently shot in the seventies" He looked at me intently, and with a long low in-take of breath, and said:" The seventies ?"" Yes ," I admitted. I really wasn't very good." Consistently ?" he asked, with an intent look on his face." Almost every hole ," I confessed. [Author Unknown-received from 'Pastor Tim ' (posts @cybersaltlists.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... (Then listen) Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. Please leave your name and number-But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q+5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome! [Author Unknown-Nick, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... at a fire hydrant. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
856. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Analogies & Metaphors Found In High School Essays. [Humor]
... or something. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the ships I'm used to. so you'll have to give me some leeway. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 30, 000 feet and. Oh my Don't worry! That one is always on E. Get the parachutes ready. Drinks are on me. I'll have what the Captain's having. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Now sit back and relax." OH, MY GOD !" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said ," Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss! [Author Unknown-Thomas S. Ellsworth (tellswor @slonet.org)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
860. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Alaska Living. [Humor]
... of Avon's Skin-so-Soft in your tackle box. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. The last thing you do before going to bed is plug in your vehicle. You see a car running in the parking lot, with no one in it, and two dogs in the front seat. You install security lights on your house and garage and then leave them both unlocked. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... cruise ships ready and willing to take you where ever you would like to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home. Just plan on calling me on" shore-to-ship" satellite telephone. P.S. And when death comes, there are no ridiculously high funeral expenses to be paid-they give you a sea burial-no extra charge. [Author Unknown-from Sherry, via 'LABLaughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said," My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain .which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars ?" The guy says," Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who PUSHED me in that WATER !!! [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... playpen. Add 1 / 3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for your child having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie child to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven !!! The brownie recipe yields a serving for 6-whether they like it or not! [Author Unknown-from Debi, via Jeff Nickerson] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the carpet will look like. A paper with a purple crayon scribble on it might be a masterpiece to your child. Inalienable truths: Treat your children the way you want other people to treat them. Never leave a PTA meeting to use the restroom. There will never be a realistic" mother-of-two" Barbie. The most important things you know about being a mother-you learn from your children. [by: Debbie Farmer-from 'Family Daze '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... into base of fire. Apply burn ointment to nose. When fire is burning, collect more wood. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled" kerosene" Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. Relabel can to read" gasoline" When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. When the thunder storm has passed, repeat all steps. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
866. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bubba. [Humor]
... boss comes to, he asks:" Boss, what happened ?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says" OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see George Bush. heck, I can even believe the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there on the balcony with Bubba? '-that's more than I can take !" [Author Unknown-Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Brother Dominic Transcribing [Source Unknown-from Paula] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
868. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Business 101. [Humor]
... themselves too seriously. Love your enemies in case your business acquaintances turn out to be a bunch of bastards. I've made so many lateral moves in my company, I'm beside myself. There are moments when everything goes well-don't be frightened, it won't last. They always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait ' My cup's been run over. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... quick byte" In a Restaurant window:" Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up" Inside a Bowling Alley:" Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop" In the front yard of a funeral home:" Drive carefully, we'll wait" In a counselors office:" Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... out at ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, 'We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps! GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've made a BIG mistake. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
871. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Buy a Bad Car? [Humor]
... the previous owner. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in. When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you go by, it silently falls in behind you. The little" Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads" Me Again" [Author Unknown-from 'Colorado Comments '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
872. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bronze Rat. [Humor]
... and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop." Ah ha ," said the owner," You have come back for the story ?"" No ," said the man," I came back to see if you have a bronze politician ?" [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ." Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment." Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day" [Author Unknown-from: Marsha, via 'Bill's Punch Line ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask," Why is the male brain so much more ?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group," It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains. because they've been used" [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the_funnnies ' (andychaps_the-funnies-owner @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
875. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Brain Teasers. [Humor]
... Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. How Are a" Texas Tornado" And a" Tennessee Divorce" The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched a" Pokemon" movie three times in a row. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys. [Author Unknown-from Irene A. Mystery-Ed: Anon] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
877. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bran Muffins. [Humor]
... Heaven !" The old man inquired," No gym to work out at ?"" Not unless you want to ," was the answer." No testing my sugar or blood pressure or"" Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself" The old man glared at his wife and said," You and your-bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago !" [Author Unknown-Rose, 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... all smiled and Suzie had that look on her face, you know the, 'isn't that romantic ' look women get? Then Kevin said to Liz 'please pass the honey, honey ' Suzie gave a big sigh and smiled as she looked at me. Then the last thing I remember before waking up in the emergency room was turning to Suzie and saying: 'Please pass the tea-bag" [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... or milk first. The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066 they've pretty much been a bunch of losers. The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they got lucky that one time in the late 1700s. And finally... The ability to utter the phrase:" British Way of Life" without cracking even the hint of a smile. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars and flashes of lightning." Ah, wonderful ," said Robert's mother ," this will teach him a lesson" Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. From there, just after another flash and roar, the boy's voice was heard saying," Heck of a fuss to make about a few stupid prunes" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
881. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cajun Airlines. [Humor]
... got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport !" Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say," Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport !" A long pause-de silence was deafanin." We needs to know who you next of kin..." [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... by God's House. Yo mama an ' yo daddy dun did it all. lissen to dem. Killin ' duck an ' fish, das ' OK. people-No! God done give you a wife. sleep wit ' jus ' her. Don't take nobody's boat. or nuttin ' else. Don't go wantin ' somebody's stuff. Stop lyin. yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... No little boy. The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures. The choir thundered into the line. The curtains belled slightly from the sound-"... AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE !" And into the silence, which followed, came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right,"... and the cat peed on the matches !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... winter, still winter, And road construction, You may live in Canada. If you have more miles On your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada. If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly, You may live in Canada. If you actually understand these jokes, And forward them to all Your Canadian friends & others, You definitely live in Canada. [Jeff Foxworthy-from Ellcitykid, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
885. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Canada. [Humor]
... . (USA) A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first. [Author Unknown-from Hart Dowd (hsdowd @telus.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... in the above fashion provides only temporary relief and can extract a greater toll in the end if your head reacts to tequila by calling some of the throbbing in your back to “ come on up to the penthouse for a visit ” In the end, it ’ s all a real pain in the butt.~Bruce Cameron~Copyright 2011 All Rights Reserved [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2011 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... stung by a bee; you should have warning signs"" A McDonald's would be a nice sight at the trail-head"" The places where trails do not exist are not well marked"" Too many rocks on the mountains"" A deer came into my camp and stole my bag of chips. Is there away I can get reimbursed? Please call...." [Author Unknown-from 'The Daily Dilly ' (dailydilly @dailydilly.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
888. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Cartoon Laws. [Humor]
... with great velocity. Cartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for" cool" characters. Cartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky. Cartoon Law Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Cartoon Law Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in" C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of the years I've been raising children, there are two other important things I've learned about life: 1) deep down it's not really the prize that matters, it's the fact that I made the day more special for my son and 2) no matter how much money I spent trying to win a giant stuffed animal it could've been worse-at least we didn't try the goldfish toss. [by Debbie Farmer, Copyright 2001-from 'Family Daze '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
890. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Camping Tips. [Humor]
... never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. [Author Unknown-from 'Bills-Punch-Line '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... like some info about your golf course. Staff: OK, what would you like to know? Caller: I don't know, that's why I called. Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back? [Author Unknown-from Thomas S. Ellsworth 'GCF ' (good-clean-fun @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... A: Make eye contact and wave" hello" if she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. [Author Unknown-Christine, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
894. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Californians. [Humor]
... barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. HEY !!!! Is pot illegal ???? Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons. The Terminator is your governor. If you drive illegally, they take away your driver's license. If you're in the USA illegally, they want to give you a driver's license. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated ):" Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale" Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... indicating impending urinary explosion. I lie there and calculate the odds of being able to discharge out the front of the tent from my current position. I'm untroubled by the idea that I might drench Fred, but my son also lies in the path of my contemplated trajectory. I grab a flashlight and, shivering, I step outside. It is then that I hear the bear. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1999-2003-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Scott ?" Scott is silent for a moment, then says," Tom, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent" [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... bear ," Fred seethes." I think what's more important is that you left the cooler out ," I respond archly." We're just fortunate that I discovered your oversight before a fleet of wild raccoons, more dangerous than any bear, descended out of the night like locusts and stripped us to the bones"" Cool ," the kids breathe. It's a lesson they'll never forget. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1998-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
899. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Birds - Brains? [Humor]
... pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his haead. First der was Sven with his budgie jumping. den Knut parrotshooting. and now Lars is hengliding !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again ' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit" -John 3: 5-9 [Author Unknown-from Keith 'The Sermon Fodder Guy ' (ktodd @vci.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
901. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bad Day. [Humor]
... car, but he didn't respond. When they finally dragged him out, he was unconscious and bleeding, from slamming his head into the underside of the car each time he got zipped by surprise! [reportedly a true story] Addendum-Hebrews 10: 30 (GNB)" For we know who said, 'I will take revenge, I will repay; ' and who also said, 'the Lord will judge his people" [Anonymous-from Jo] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
902. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Baby Talk. [Humor]
... . If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat. Who's that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about? If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up? Who are you two, to tell me how important it is to sleep alone? What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a hanky. I love to give homemade gifts. umm, which one of the kids would you like? I have a million dollar figure-but it's all loose change! By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence! This house is protected by killer dust bunnies. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... was re-built, the police got a new patrol car, and all was right with the world. About a year later the same couple was watching TV. The weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night? Without saying a word, the wife walked into the bedroom. and went to sleep. [Author unknown-from Mark Miller-Ed: anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... together at once. The intoxicated 250 Kg transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you" are just too sweet" The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you, but her secretary won't tell you what it's about. The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off. The psychiatric patients ' delusions are beginning to make sense. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
906. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bad Fat Coffee. [Humor]
... hours later the room stopped heaving long enough for me to fall into bed, which the dog didn't seem to appreciate. I lay there and vibrated, my heart fibrillating wildly. So switching to regular coffee may not be as healthy as the good folks at CALM say it is. Some of us just need that bad fat.~Bruce Cameron~[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2007, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
907. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bad Dog! [Humor]
... stammers and says, 'Um. no. um. what happened?. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there! ' [Author Unknown-from 'LAB Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal. [Author Unknown-from Thomas Ellsworth, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... might as well be in a cyberjail! My stomach's growling -it's so unfair; No clean dishes and no clean underwear! Drink me a Coke, stare at the walls; I'll pick at my teeth and roam the halls. Laughing and typing, what a sight I get to see. Can you believe she's there -when she could be with ME! [Peggie C. Bohanon-source: 'fun-n-faith ' (Author Unknown)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
910. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- "A Rider". [Humor]
... look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. He then approached the bartender and asked," Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to" riders "?" The bartender simply smiled and said." a" rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. I hope that you are satisfied"" Now, may we have our Title ?" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... find it there, too. WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room. XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying." YIPPEE !": What mother's shout the first day of school. ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it. [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... No one else has any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a token cost of living increase. I am not here for the money anyway. [Author Unknown-from 'andychaps_the-funnies '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... tired to dry the dishes. A young woman who loves the cat and barely tolerates her brother. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday-he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... think you're pretty stupid ," he concedes. We agree that he needs time to pick out the boat he wants, so we schedule the surgery for next month. As I leave I catch sight of myself in the mirror and wonder what I would look like with teeth jutting out of the side of my face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. [by W. Bruce Cameron 2001, 2003 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are still unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY !! I realize this condition is serious and I'd get help, BUT FIRST. I think. I'll check my email. !!!!! [Author unknown-from 'Twisted Straw '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
917. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bad Science. [Humor]
... owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian" pahks" his" cah ," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to" warsh" his car and invest in" erl wells" [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead ' (IwantTwisted @keepAhead.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
918. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bagpipe Jokes. [Humor]
... a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt. Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche. Q. What's a piper's definition of" optimism "? A. A piper with a beeper. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
919. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Be A Kid Again. [Humor]
... Giggle a lot for no real reason. Do that tap-someone-on-the-shoulder-while you-stand-on-their-opposite-side-and-they-turn around-and-no-one's-there thing. Enjoy your all-time favorite candy-bar. (Forget you've heard of calories !) Throw something and when it lands make a cool exploding bomb noise. Squish some mud between your toes. Buy yourself a helium balloon. Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people. Be a kid again. [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead ' (IwantTwisted @keepAhead.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call xxx-xxx-xxxx and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting. Page down. She's got beautiful eyes. Warning. she's not wearing clothes! Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society. You've gotta ' email this to a friend. [Orginal source unknown-received from my brother Bill] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... A: When Rebecca walked to the well with a pitcher. Q: Why didn't they play cards on Noah's ark? A: Because Noah sat on the deck. Q: How did Jonah feel when the great fish swallowed him? A: Down in the mouth. Q: When is high finances mentioned in the Bible? A: When Pharaoh's daughter took a little prophet from the bulrushes. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same"" Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you" Luv Ya, MAMA [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a police car. A somewhat shredded police car. but it was all his. no question about it. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. and a large box of Band-Aids. George [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)-Ed: Anon.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple On feeding the 5, 000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED" Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed [Kevin Rayner (http :// groups.yahoo.com / group / off-the-church-walls)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... become very rich, you would make millions !"" Millions, senor ?" replied the Mexican." Then what ?" The American said," Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos" [Author Unknown-from John Traver] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license in hand. Next they ask to see his car-and she asks why? They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: a police car, lights still flashing. [Author Unknown-Aiken Drum (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly." Three chairs. For the Baptists ," he enunciated. The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation." All right, everybody ," he called out to the assembled worshipers." Three cheers for the Baptists !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss." How come ," the supervisor inquired," you didn't say anything when you were overpaid ?" Unperturbed, the employee replied," Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row !" [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
930. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Baseball Fans. [Humor]
... is there baseball in heaven ?"" Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first ?"" Tell me the good news first"" Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl"" Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news ?"" You're pitching tomorrow night" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... are here too. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired !"" Really ?" says Moe," That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news ?"" You're pitching next Tuesday" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
932. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bear Preaching. [Humor]
... praising Jesus" The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says," Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start" [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
933. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Bear Hunting. [Humor]
... knew you wasn't that good !!" Boudreaux, remaining calm, says" No man, all it took was one shot-that's it !! You see, it was pretty dark when I shot him. I put my flashlight up like that and shined it at his eyes. When he saw the light, he put both his paws over his eyes to cover them, and that's when I shot" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the plan. At the end of the service the preached called the man by name and asked him to offer the closing prayer. On cue, the man reached to the hat rack behind him, and picked up a hat. As planned he started the prayer. In a loud voice he said," DEAR GOD. this is NOT my hat" [As told by John Conn of Henderson, Kentucky-from Keith Todd (ajokeaday7 @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
935. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- First Day. [Humor]
... ?"" Well ," says the pirate," I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye !" The children, thoroughly confused, exclaim" How did THAT cause you to lose your eye ?" The pirate replies," Well, it was me first day with the hook" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. Nothin ' much happened. Write more often. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. [By Philip Thompson-from Twisted Straw] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina ** Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron ** Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston [Source Unknown-from Thomas Ellsworth] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... when it's past curfew and my teenage daughter is parked in the driveway with her date. You're the only one who likes my cooking, and you share my opinion that we don't need a cat. After nine years of living with you, I suppose life just wouldn't be the same without you. Wanna go for a walk?-Bruce Cameron-[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2003, (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the Ancient Hierarchical Order. SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so. PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb? [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' (JdJ @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Little Johnny: SIX. Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny: SEVEN! Tester: Why in the world you say that three lots of two rabbits would add up to a total of seven rabbits? Little Johnny: 'Cuz I've already got one rabbit at home now! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed. They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said," Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well ?"" Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... BEEP. (Then listen) Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. Please leave your name and number-But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q+5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going gray. THURSDAY: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why? I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school. FRIDAY: Asked instructor when I would be able to solo? I had never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
945. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Laws to Know. [Humor]
... THE STEEL LAW OF DISTRIBUTION They what has some... They gets more. LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY There is always one more bug. LAW OF DRUNKEDNESS You cannot fall off the floor. THE LAW OF MANAGEMENT The first myth of good management is that it exists. OSBORNE'S LAW Variables won't; constants aren't. WASHINGTON'S LAW For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. [Author Unknown-Nick, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
946. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Laws Of Work. [Humor]
... of a cocktail hour. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy Soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors ' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. [Author Unknown-from Doug Viar, via Keith Todd (ajokeaday7 @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... , he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks," Well, so what IS the answer !?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... off. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is the total opposite. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.... Have a wonderful day.... PS. A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now-it's too late!!! [From Danny Holdren, via 'Grace Mail ' (gracemail-subscribe @MyInJesus.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30 %higher electric bill ????? Drywall is a compound word, take away the" dry" part and it's worthless. I can walk a lot farther than I thought. Water will indeed fill the Midtown tunnel if the floodgates aren't shut during a flood. I was pretty sure that was true but it has now been proven. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . A little dog showed-up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed-all from just one shot-gun shell"" Now, little Johnny, how's that for a story? You do believe me don't you ?" Little Johnny said," of course I do. That was my dog and that's the third bear he's gotten this year !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
953. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Little Johnny [Humor]
... picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person." Yes ," said the policeman." The detectives want very badly to capture him" Little Johnny asked," Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"-When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that you rejoice, and the world cries when you die. Indian Proverb [Source Unknown-from Ashley] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . What felt like two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said." Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset ?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... in responding (-10) You reply," Where ?" (-35) Any other response (-20) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+ 50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+ 500) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000) [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? At income tax time, did you ever notice when you put the two words" The" and" IRS" together it spells THEIRS! [Author Unknown-from 'Heartwarmers ' (publisher @heartwarmers.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
957. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Man-Flu Facts. [Humor]
... it is a commonly recognized medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers. Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
958. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Man and Cat. [Humor]
... another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife:" Jen, is the cat there ?"" Yes ," the wife answers." Why do you ask ?" Frustrated, the man answers:" Put that lousy cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions !" [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband," Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week !" The husband scratched his head and replied," I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy:" My wife's an angel !" Second guy:" You're lucky, mine's still alive" Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex. [Author Unknown-from Sherry, via 'LABLaughs Admin ' (LABLaughs @LABLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
961. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Lutran Air. [Humor]
... in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin! Right now I'll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close. [Author Unknown-forwarded: Karen Linden, via Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner @lists.MikeysFunnies.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... said" Sure !" They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting," Ace! I win !" The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said" No, I won. That was my ball" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, He went to pay for his groceries." That comes to $121.85 ," said the clerk." How come so much, I only bought 5 items ?" The clerk replied," Yes, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too" MORAL.... Don't trust little Old Ladies !!! [Author Unknown-Nick, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... immune. Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (bbrabant @sault.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... minutes, Lil ' Johnny stated loudly," Look how the fat hangs over her belt" The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child. So, Johnny's mother threatened him with a severe spanking. Suddenly, the fat lady's pager started beeping. Lil ' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice," Run for your life, she's backing up !" [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan. If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Michigan. If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently," From the land of sky-blue waters ," you might live in Michigan. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... where exits should have been built. Else-where, they are called frontage roads. Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say" Exit the feeder road and use the loop-d-loop" If you don't live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who call this home. it's nothing but the truth and you know it !!! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any other computer with which yours connects on any regular basis. The" Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove generally unavailable. The" Deadbeat" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... his sanity." Never mind ," I sighed, retreating like a wounded duck. That's when I understood that football and I could never be allies; we'd have to remain wary competitors, sharing the love of our loose end. Then I went to fold my laundry.~Jackie Papandrew~Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. [by: Jackie Papandrew Copyright 2006-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... you are. LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. BROWN'S LAW: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. OLIVER'S LAW: A closed mouth gathers no feet. WILSON'S LAW: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. LAW OF REALITY: Murphy was an optimist. [Author Unknown-from 'Joke du Jour ' 1995 (JdJ-subscribe @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... razor blades could be attached to the disc. (" You could maim and kill with that thing ") The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it) The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. (" Just one more !") [Author Unknown-from Stan Kegel, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... before we are 18. -Ryan C, age 12 Philadelphia, PA Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets. -Michael P, age 8 San Diego, CA [Author Unknown-from Ross, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to light an explosive. It's always darkest before 9: 30 p.m. Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister. There is nothing new under the bed. The grass is always greener when you put manure on it. Don't count your chickens-it takes too long. [Author Unknown-from Thomas Ellsworth, via 'Good Clean Funnies List ' (gcfl-info @gcfl.net)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... after them" Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?" There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck" Ricky, age 10 The Bible says" out of the mouths of babes"-aren't these cute? [Source Unknown-from Stan] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... stuck with you. thats what I would do. Eddie Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. Charles Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tues. That was Cool. Eugene Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Frank [Original source unknown.] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked," What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know"" We've thought about that, too ," the little boy replied." We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it !" [Source: The Daily Dilly (www.dobhran.com)-from 'Wit and Wisdom '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... age 7" Don't forget your wife's name-That will mess up the love"-Erin, age 8" Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash"-Dave, age 8" Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch"-Natalie, age 9 [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (AIKENSLongJoke @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which, is another name for marriage. Addendum-Of course, none of us ever said or wrote things like this when we were in school. :) [Author Unknown-from Wayne Barney, via 'ScreamOfTheCrop '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
980. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Kayak Lessons. [Humor]
... I was still wearing the rubber skirt from the kayak, which stuck out from my hips like a Tupperware tutu. It may not have been my most manly moment." Tom ," I said," if God had meant for me to kayak, he wouldn't have invented the outboard motor" I went home and watched a bass fishing show on television. Now, THAT'S boating. [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1999-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... " Warn me, HUH ?" Who are you?" Moses ," the parrot replied." Moses ?" the burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses ?" The parrot promptly answered," Probably the same kind of people that would name their Rotweiller dog Jesus" Addendum-Proverbs 3: 5" Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding ;" [Author Unknown-from Jim and Paula] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... . He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked," Tell me, old man, how many did you catch this morning ?" The old man took a long drag on the cigar, blew a smoke ring and replied," You are the sixth today, sir !" [Author Unknown-from 'Lab Laughs ' (LABLaughsClean @topica.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
983. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- I Love My Job. [Humor]
... using it once in a while. I'm happy to be here, I am, I am. I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam. I love this work; I love these chores; I love the meetings with deadly bores. I love my job and I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men: These men who've come to visit today, In lovely white coats to take me away! [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
984. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Jewish Dog. [Humor]
... The neighbor is absolutely amazed. stunned. In astonishment, he says," I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us"" I know, I know" says the owner." He's not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch" [Yiddish = a constant complainer] [Author Unknown-from Randy, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... put them in Marketing. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress. [Author Unknown-Joan, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... ," says Juan." I'm taking a months vacation before I start a new job"" Juan, even though I've never found anything illegal on you, my 'gut ' tells me you've been smuggling something. So, now that you've quit your job, just between you and me, what were you smuggling ?"" Bicycles ," Juan says. [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
987. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Jonah. [Humor]
... story is in the Bible and we studied it in Sunday school today !" Then the pastor asked," How can you prove that the story about Jonah is true ?" She thought for a moment, and then said," When I get to Heaven I'll ask Jonah" The pastor then asked," What if Jonah's NOT in Heaven ?" She put her hands on her little waist, and sternly said:" Then YOU can ask him !" [Anonymous] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird"" I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones"" When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you"" You can break love, but it won't die" [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now .what is the moral to this story? The moral is. If you don't let a woman have her own way. Things are going to get ugly. [Author Unknown-from 'Bill Rayborn ' (bills-punch-line @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
990. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Lawns. [Humor]
... down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE:" Dumb and Dumber ," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about. GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. [Author Unknown-from Aiken Drum] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
991. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Last in Line. [Humor]
... the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again" So, the next time you are last in line smile! [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
992. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Larry's Quotes. [Humor]
... twice? Why do psychics have to ask you your name? Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering," What the heck happened ?" Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. [Author Unknown-from Kent, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... to see if he can donate. Me: No to everything except the eye stuff. Opposing Counsel: Eew! My Attorney: That's really gross. Opposing Counsel: Well, let's take a break here so we can continue billing while we drink coffee. My Attorney: Good idea! (Deposition ends)~Bruce Cameron~Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2010 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... clutching oversized satin hearts. Any mall containing a theatre will have an aroma of popcorn frying in rancid canola emanating into the hall. The smell will be strong enough to gag a badger. And patrons will buy it at prices per ounce greater than those for top sirloin, under the impression it's somehow" healthy" for them, and that the 4 tablespoons of salt on it somehow don't count. [Author Unknown-from 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... parent's enjoyment. The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. A child will always eat exactly what he or she has loved for the past year-unless it is the only food in the fridge. The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' (Aiken @AikensLaughs.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... family genealogical materials to a flea market dealer" Somewhere in New York City" Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional to the value of the data recorded. The 37 volume, 16, 000 page history of your county of origin isn't indexed. You finally find your great grandparents ' wedding record and discover that the bride's father was named John Smith. [Author Unknown-from Ron, via 'Scream of Crop ' (screamofcrop @cfl.rr.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked," When's it gonna be ?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied," It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day" Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked," Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days" [Author Unknown-from 'LABLaughs '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
... the company. I blame the parents for this one) On a Swedish chainsaw-" Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands" (Oh my God .was there a lot of this happening somewhere ?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle). [Author Unknown-from Ross, via 'Buffalos Chips ' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
999. Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Kitchen Signs. [Humor]
... is a sign of a misspent life. Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen-just vending machines. Gardening forever... Housework, never! Dull women have immaculate houses. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. [Author Unknown-from 'Comedy On Tap '] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...
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