... take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned-that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned-that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself. I've learned-that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. ... learned-that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned-that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned-that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned-that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. ...

... Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans" He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying," You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights" Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard-but no Ark." Noah !" He roared," I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"" Forgive me, Lord ," begged Noah," but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport ...

... to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us, ' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put ...

... for me !" ~~~~~~ A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer" Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said," Wait a minute," How come you called God," Harold "? The little boy looked up and said," That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say," Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name" ~~~~~~~ And this particular four-year-old prayed:" And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets" ~~~~~~~ During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked:" Gary, whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered soberly:" I asked God to teach me to whistle. And He just then did !" ~~~~~~~ One night Mike's parents overheard this ...

... worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass against us, ' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because daymay confuse da plane's navigation system, which is done by da seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He ...

... , he said, 'My father's flunkies fare far fancier, ' the frazzled fugitive found feverishly, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour ' But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast ' But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of the former folderol. His fury flashed. But fussing was futile, for the far-sighted father figured, such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity? The fugitive is found!" Unfurl the flags, with fanfares flaring! Let fun and frolic freely flow !"" Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken! And forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortitude" [Author Unknown-from Keith Todd (Sermon_Fodder @yahoogroups.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights ...

... Award-winning writer: Jackie Papandrew Airing My Dirty Laundry! To Do or Not To Do When my children are grown and looking back over their childhoods, I hope they ’ ll forgive me for my Shakespeare phase. This was a phase in which I ’ d quote The Bard extensively, or as extensively as my Cliff Notes knowledge of him would allow. When it was past my kids ’ bedtimes, I ’ d order them “ to sleep, perchance to dream ” When my daughter was whining about something, I ’ d announce that “ the lady doth protest too much ” When I had to pick up my son ’ s stinky sneakers, I ’ d say sarcastically as I gagged at the odor wafting from them, “ a rose by any other name would smell as sweet ” And when my darlings would head out the door to school in the morning, I ’ d call out after them: “ Parting is such sweet sorrow ...

... and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her," Why are you crying ?"" Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river !" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Brad Pitt." Is this your husband ?" the Lord asked." Yes ," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious." You lied! That is an untruth !" The seamstress replied," Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no ' to Brad Pitt, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no ' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes, ' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands-so THAT'S why ...

... To My Darling Wife I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago. The children are doing well. Kevin is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Nikki turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Nikki, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I discovered that ...

... contact via the Internet. I will read a book. if I still remember how. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime. and the Internet will always be there tomorrow! [Author Unknown-from 'keepAhead ' (IwantTwisted @keepAhead.com)] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying ?"" Oh Lord, my husband has! fallen into the water !" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson." Is this your husband ?" the Lord asked." Yes ," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious." You lied! That is an untruth !" The seamstress replied," Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no ' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no ' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes, ' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm a poor woman and can not take care of three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson" ...

... What time is it? A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem. The young Jew asks," Excuse me, sir, what time is it ?" The old Jew doesn't answer." Excuse me, sir ," the young Jew asks again," what time is it ?" The old Jew still doesn't answer." Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me ?" The old Jew says," Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't ...

... too. Daughter: Me too. Son: Say, when I give the dog his cardboard dinner, should I, at the very least, provide a nice-sized meal for him? ' Me: I wouldn't. Daughter: No, don't do that. It's better when the dog is hungry. Me: But not the cat. When I let the dog back in, his accusing stare says it all: I know what you've been saying about me. He'll forgive me, though, as soon as I feed him.~Bruce Cameron~Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved [by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 2010 (bruce @wbrucecameron.com)-{ used with permission}] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... Paraprosdokians Examples A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Check out the following for examples: I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act ...

... Why Dogs Are Better Than Women (Humor-no disrespect to women intended.) Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't care if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs enjoy rough play. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit ...

... faster than a John Deere tractor. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Meanness don't happen overnight. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful. Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow. Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat. Don't corner something meaner than you. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. Don't go huntin ' with a ...

... then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like" Good Kitty" and" Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like" MEAN !!"" BITER !!!" and" GET HELP !!!!!" I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2: 00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. I will ...

... in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church"" Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him"" But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did"" And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a ...

... I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices too. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. [Author Unknown-from 'ArcaMax Jokes ' (ezines @arcamax.com)] Cartoons Daily Inspiration HOME Messages Poems Quotes Stories Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...

... out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. ...

... call: 1-800-Who-Cares. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!" Genuine Antique Person ," Been there, done that, can't remember! Our policy is to always blame the computer. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting. Take my advice, I'm not using it! Okay! I love you! Now can we eat? You know you are getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky. I love to give homemade gifts. umm, which one of the kids would you like? I have a million dollar figure-but it's all loose change! By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence! This house is protected by killer dust bunnies. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes. [Author Unknown-from 'Aiken Drum ' ...

... Old Farmers Advice Words of wisdom: Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered .not yelled. Meanness don't jest happen overnight. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. Don't judge folks by their relatives. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. Timing has a ...

... bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move." oh, Lord," the preacher prayed," I'm sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord !" That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:" Dear God, bless this food which I am about to receive" [Author Unknown-from Harold] Inspirational Humor SkyWriting.Net All Rights Reserved. ...